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I didn't get to read the posts you deleted, Jaylee, but I realize something very bad and troublesome, to with your cruel ex occured. I'm sorry about that.
And I also understand that one of the responses did not the give you the comfort you hoped for.

Jaylee wrote:This is why I stopped coming here. There is always someone around who wants to make you feel worse than you already did.

There probably is (though I'm not sure it happened on this thread) - but did you notice how many people really tried to make you feel better?
Don't they count?

Yes, it is a fact of real life (not forum life) that there is always someone around who wants to make you feel worse than you do. And it is an even sadder fact that there are times when all the kind, well meaning people cannot protect us from the one person who tries to hurt us. Sometimes life hurts us - none of us manage to go through life without being hurt by it - and it's worse when the people in our lives - the very people we thought we loved and were loved by - hurt us. But kindness and caring exist and count, even thought when the hurt is very fresh, it's very difficult to remember that.

Your ex would probably love it for you to color you own world with the blackness he experiences - abusers are incapable of feeling, understanding, or even recognizing kindness. Nothing gives them more relief than inducing that experience in the lives of others.

I expressed wonder at the seeming paradox of the many intelligent abuse victims.

I did not intend to push any buttons and would not intentionally do anything to exacerbate your pain. Sorry if that happened. Hope you are better.

M.D., I'm so glad you responded. I, for one, felt the sadness of your words.

Jaylee, I'm sure you've heard this before but it's true! THE BEST REVENGE IS LIVING WELL!!

Well, it's a new day. I am thinking of you and hope that somehow today may be looking brighter for you. Take care.

Thanks for posting, Jaylee. It helped others, and I hope that posting helped you, too.

I am sorry I missed being able to read your posts, but you have a right to delete whatever you wish, if it helps to do that.

M.D. expressed confusion, as I read those posts, and a wish for answers that could be helpful, seems to me. But I can see how the words could be painful to read, depending on frame of mind.

Why are some highly intelligent, loving, caring, wonderful people abused who then find it difficult to extricate themselves from the abuser? I have an opinion on that. I'm just opinionated that way.

I think some people are abused for the same reason that some banks are robbed and that some people with desired identities are often prime targets for identity thieves.

Some of the sweetest, kindest, most tender-hearted, loving, and wonderful people I've ever met are people who have survived, or are surviving, abuse.

Abusers seem to want to strip the dignity away from the people who have it, and they seem to want to hurt the people with hearts deep enough, and loving enough, and forgiving enough, to feel the hurt most profoundly over and over again.

It is many times particularly important to sufferers of abuse to see themselves as good people, just as it is for most people on the planet. And so they, like everyone else, tend to look to the people around them for reassurance about that, including, unfortunately, the abuser. Abusers know how to manipulate others' admirable traits to their own advantage, and do so, which, in my opinion, is what makes it so sinister and appalling.

The cycle of hurt and forgiveness can be addictive to everyone involved. Expecting a sufferer alone to be able to push away the abuser without support and reassurance from others is a lot like expecting a "Mother Teresa" or a "Gandhi" to be able to throw a good punch, I think. The politeness and restraint may be built in, which is a perfectly valid type of person to be.

Maybe the abused need help in a particular way from others, but ALL of us need help from others in some aspects of our lives, don't we?

Banks need help from the police when they are repeatedly robbed. People whose identities are under constant attack need help from experts to protect what others are trying to take. Similarly, people being hurt and manipulated need support from others to be able to protect themselves from it.

There is honor in helping people preserve their money, their identity, and their dignity whenever those things are under attack, in my opinion. I admire those who get that help, and I admire those who give it.

Just my 2 cents.

If Kathy wrote a book on it, I'd buy it, though. Just sayin'.

jnk wrote: If Kathy wrote a book on it, I'd buy it, though. Just sayin'.

Thanks - but you don't need to. You've pretty much covered everything except the gorey details.
Kathy

Jaylee wrote:My husband beat me and wanted me dead because I wasn't good enough.

Hmmmmm.... I suspect this is more accurate:
"My husband beat me and wanted me dead because HE wasn't good enough."

radaddict wrote:"My husband beat me and wanted me dead because HE wasn't good enough."

Exactly, Jaylee. He is the defective one, not you.

I know that heartstopping feeling of running into an abusive ex in a grocery store. It's been nineteen years since I escaped that relationship, but I would still have the same feeling if I saw him today.

Hang in there, girl. We are here for you.

MD, I understand that you meant well; sorry about the 'goading' quip.
I know because I have seen myself following the 'common belief',
and later realizing that my musings were bringing more pain than comfort.
I only hope Jaylee can beat her depression and get back with the people here who value her.
We hope you are reading this, Jaylee. You are a fighter--fight the depression.
It's one battle you can win; and it leads to more victories.