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Juliebove wrote:Do they even make beepers any more?

Wulfman wrote:Just out of curiosity.......what's his rank?


Den

mars wrote:Hi

Would suggest you keep this forum private, so these posts remain for your eyes only.

You have to start putting yourself first, and you may need counselling for you to start doing this. His work contact is his problem, it does not have to be yours, especially when you are trying to sleep.

There are solutions, but you may need support to use them.

In the meantime "Women Who Love Too Much" may be helpful, but again, keep that private.

Mars

DreamDiver wrote:

Juliebove wrote:If it's *him* and I don't answer the cell he merely fills my phone up with so many text messages that it runs the battery down by the time I delete them all. Or he leaves a ton of voice messages. I have missed out on importanct calls when he has done this. I just assumed the 17 messages were all from him and deleted them all. Oops!

As for the counselors, we have seen many. Nice concept in theory, but I won't get into all of that here.

Excuse me --- Did you say he 'whistles' for you when you don't answer the phone? Like you're a dog or something?
Sometimes when we're in Walmart, my wife and I will whistle to each other across the aisles to find each other - more like 'Marco Polo'. But to whistle for your attention like a pet. Ugh.

A lot of people don't even have land lines anymore. Do you still need one? If not, get rid of it, and tell any of his military contacts not to contact your cell, but to contact him, and that they should contact his cell phone only. They should only contact you in event of medical emergency.

No he doesn't whistle if I don't answer the phone. What he does is leave some sort of annoying message into the answering machine that may include whistling, humming or whatever seems to come off the top of my head. My machine is such that I even if I reach the machine as the message is starting, I can not make it stop. I have tried. I can not answer it, I can not shut it off. I just have to listen until the entire message is through before I can erase it.

As for land lines, I would never do without it. I HATE cell phones and do not personally feel that they are a healthy thing to use on a regular basis. I keep mine mainly for emergencies, but have used it on occasion while on the way to someplace and running late, so I can inform whoever of that.

Get a job, even part-time, and get out of the house. Volunteer at a local non-profit. Get a house-cleaner to come once a week or once every other week. Block all SMS capability on your cell phone. Turn off the phone when your at work or volunteering.

Froro wrote:

OldLincoln wrote:

He's not selfish, he's just a normal red blooded horny man!

And a childish, inconsiderate dolt!!

I'm sorry, I don't mean to come across as harsh but that was the stupidest thing I've ever read. (and I really hope it was meant to be a joke)

I'm sorry your husband is doing this to you. I don't know the circumstances of your relationship but to me it does sound rather controlling/domineering, and you need to be selfish now. Your health is at risk.

I do a heck of alot around here for my husband too but there is a limit....just do what he tells you to do?? (from a counsellor no less??), give me a break. Turn off the phones. Get yourself a personal number that is meant for your friends/contacts. Look for an "identicall" feature with your local phone company. I have my own number aside from the main phone line as do my kids. We all have our own mailboxes plus the main house line. That way you won't miss your important calls (it has a different ring) and you can ignore the nonsense calls. This is seriously the most childish thing I've ever read. I can tell you what I'd be saying to my husband if he ever tried this nonsense on me. (and just so you know, my husband has a wicked temper, never physically abusive ever, but he teeters on it sometimes verbally...it took me a long time to get up the guts to say enough, but things have been far better since and he knows I"m not a doormat, nor will I take any crap from him....I would say our marriage is actually better because of it as we are equals)

Juliebove wrote:His mother once told me that he loves to torment. And it's true, he gets his jollies that way. I have told him countless times not to call me when I am fixing dinner or at the dance studio unless it is in emergency. So of course he calls me repeatedly at those times. I have pretty much learned not to tell him ever not to do something! Ignoring the behavior doesn't work either. He can keep up such behavior for as long as 2 hours. Might be longer. That's just as long as I've held out before blowing up. I think he just never grew up and I think he never will.

DreamDiver wrote:

Juliebove wrote:His mother once told me that he loves to torment. And it's true, he gets his jollies that way. I have told him countless times not to call me when I am fixing dinner or at the dance studio unless it is in emergency. So of course he calls me repeatedly at those times. I have pretty much learned not to tell him ever not to do something! Ignoring the behavior doesn't work either. He can keep up such behavior for as long as 2 hours. Might be longer. That's just as long as I've held out before blowing up. I think he just never grew up and I think he never will.

Do you have kids?

kteague wrote:Juliebove,

Your husband sounds like a friend's husband whose immaturity and warped sense of appropriateness drives her (and everyone who knows him) nuts. She's spent nearly 30 years fighting tooth and nail for every inch of respect she's gotten, but when these things don't come natural, they really don't get what you try to say. He's a hard working man who provides well for his family, but that's the only way he knows to show love. His emotional capabilites are severely stunted, but he's doing the best he can with what he has to work with.

Only you know what the rest of the relationship is like, and if it's worth the sometimes aggravation. Sounds like you'll have to stand your ground about your sleep. As long as there is no fear factor, you may have to play hardball with him. Tell him your expectations about the phone, that you see his actions as disrespect, and if his conduct doesn't change, all I can say is you can show him better than you can tell him. Become 100% unplugged.

Many years ago my ex used to find humor in biting my nose, supposedly playing, but it hurt. I gave him fair warning, that the next time he was gonna get a mouthful of something he didn't want. He didn't believe me. I made a believer out of him. Maybe if you called your hubby repeatedly when he was sleeping he'd get the picture. (I'm sorry - probably not good advice.)

I guess just control what you can, then decide how important the other things are to you.

Juliebove wrote:There are many issues I won't get into here. Both he and my dad have almost the same personality, so I can see the attraction there. But... They have a lot of issues and problems. Others can see these. They can't. And I don't think they ever will.

Paul56 wrote:I'm on call with a BlackBerry. When it sounds off I turn the machine off, remove the mask and have a look at what the issue is.

The bigger issue for me is the interrupted sleep... as I can feel the difference the next day. Sometimes I'm caught with dealing with an issue and don't get back to sleep that night. <shrug> ...goes with the territory.

DreamDiver wrote:

Juliebove wrote:There are many issues I won't get into here. Both he and my dad have almost the same personality, so I can see the attraction there. But... They have a lot of issues and problems. Others can see these. They can't. And I don't think they ever will.

Juliebove,
It can be hard at first for children to see the flaws in their parents, but at the right point, it might be worth your while to allow your daughter to know your opinions about toxic relationships and how to avoid them.