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Ok, I guess I need to weigh in on this subject. We've been married for 36 years and have experienced it all. We've had good days and bad days. We've had good years and bad years. Moreover, we've had acceptance. Neither of us are the same person each other fell in love with. There have been huge changes with each new job, each cross country move, each experience. We never know who is going to wake up beside us in the morning. So, I know I have changed and can't expect nor want her to be the same girl I married. I actually like the current one better. She is educated, hugely successful as a manager, full of life, loves anything new and always drags me along for the ride. YeeeHaw!
I've had my mid-life crisis and now drive a big truck. It was safer than driving my neighbor's wife in more ways than one...LOL. My wife had her mid-life and we both got over it. But it took me awhile. My wife had a pretty rough menopause but we muddled through as well. There were some nasty nasty fights though. It took me a while to understand that I was not the reason for her moods but just an available outlet. Once I understood that it was not me she was mad at, both of our lives got easier.
I've had my own form of angry womenopause too. She has put up with me as well. Now we OK again.
But, as the years rolled by, we each developed and accepted a relationship role. I don't do bathrooms. She doesn't do windows. I do the yard and vehicle maintenance. She does the bill paying. We both do laundry and housework. She does 80% of the cooking. Oh, yes, and we both do each other. In the beginning years I had the larger sex drive. In the middle years we both tapered off some. But now, after menopause, she is on fire. As Emeril says, "let's kick it up a notch". She is wearing me out and I will not complain.
I learned though that, as mention earlier in this thread, there is a direct correlation to the amount of house chores I do. The more I do, the more we "do". A small effort on my part, like sweeping and mopping, garners a huge effort from my lover. It's energy that would have been put into the chores by her. Benefits!
Now, don't get me wrong. We still have our bad days. After all, we are still individuals with independent streaks. But we talk them out. We reach compromise or at least a truce and agree to disagree.
Oh yeah, did I mention that I am happy. Pat seems happy as well. I've have learned to listen and intuit some things.
Babette, I've learned that all things don't need fixed. Fixing sometimes makes it worse.
Last but not least, she is glad I am compliant with my CPAP. She still snuggles and the hissing does not bother her. I really think she likes having me around.
I know we are becoming a rare thing though. Older people still with their first mates.
Boy, this is sure a disjointed post.

at this time in my life i don't embrace the LAT relationship, i only bring it up in reference to babette's post about living together being the KOD for her relationships...but i will say that having had an almost perfect marriage for the last 17 years, if anything should 'happen', god forbid, i doubt that i would want to get married again((ha! assuming anyone would have me)...i've definitely peaked in that regard, and, judging by the men i meet, and the significant others of my friends, no one could be as good to me as my hubby has been...especially considering my health issues, and the strain they have placed on both of us...so i do think that if i were to find myself single again, the LAT would probably be the way to go for me, because i would want to experience "consistency and stability in a mutually gratifying, soulfully intense but NON-abode sharing union, etc. etc."-what you said nodzy...i just don't think that "deep love, respect, consideration and balanced desire" and cohabitation are necessarily mutually exclusive...

and nodzy, i hear what you're saying, but, again, i bring up the LAT, not intending to sublimate the 'traditional' relationship, but simply to point out that, as i quote in my signature line, "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got", and that is reason enough for me to consider alternatives to whatever i've done before that hasn't worked; the sad fact is, what you refer to as your "traditionalist romantic nature" is something of an oxymoron where some men are concerned, at least in the experience of many women...perhaps you are an exception, and if so, i wish you all the romantic fulfillment you can stand

cajapato, you illustrate my point beautifully...thanks for weighing in

cajapato wrote:Ok, I guess I need to weigh in on this subject. -=-=-=-=-=-shortened-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Babette, I've learned that all things don't need fixed. Fixing sometimes makes it worse.
Last but not least, she is glad I am compliant with my CPAP. She still snuggles and the hissing does not bother her. I really think she likes having me around.
I know we are becoming a rare thing though. Older people still with their first mates.
Boy, this is sure a disjointed post.

Many GREAT POINTS......I have 38 yrs {If I remember right?} It was to be twenty and out???? Negotiated when I was snoring or something???
Your story and facts match mine --- You learn the BIGGEST thing is to listen and talk not "Fix everything!" .............. This is my second wife--- Didn't learn the first time???
I'm a bull headed oldfart & proposition ALL females -but- My saying is when I stop looking throw dirt in my face "I'm dead!" Also don't know what menopause did but wish it would of happened earlier .......
NOTE: the say they have only a few friends with parents still together? thats a sham it hard but that was why it takes work -- TALKING and sometime getting pissed.
This is also rambling??

Bert

sharon1965 wrote:but i will say that having had an almost perfect marriage for the last 17 years, if anything should 'happen', god forbid, i doubt that i would want to get married again((ha! assuming anyone would have me)...i've definitely peaked in that regard, and, judging by the men i meet, and the significant others of my friends, no one could be as good to me as my hubby has been

Sharon, I feel the same way. At this point in my life I would not have the drive to get to know somebody. Nor would I want to expose myself to somebody else for them to get to know me. My wife loves me inspite of me. Nobody else would be able to do that. So, I would just golf more I guess. Let's pray I don't have to test my theory in the next 20 years. But, I think after awhile I would be like Babette...in need of full contact indoor sports occasionally...

First off, let me say Sharon, that your sig line alone has made a huge difference in my life. I'm quoting that to myself constantly. I am such a creature of habit and routine and RUT!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Second, Cajapato (sp?), your post is amazing, and brilliant, and I envy you two immensely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU FOR POINTING THAT OUT! I WAS THINKING THAT TO MYSELF AS I POSTED THAT COMMENT ABOUT TRYING TO FIX THE EX BF'S LIFE BY MOVING HIM IN WITH ME!

I've done that with three men that I can directly remember - tried to fix their lives by either me moving in and helping out financially, or moving them in with me and thus out of whatever horrible situation I thought they were living in, or attempting to get them to move with me to another city to get them away from their 'bad influences'. It was a mistake all three times. Pity I didn't learn it the first time...

I think I'm going to type myself some big sheets of paper with the words:

SOMETIMES IT'S BETTER NOT TO FIX EVERYTHING.

and

IF YOU ALWAYS DO WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE, YOU'LL ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU'VE ALWAYS GOT.

Definitely words to live by. I'm posting them over my desk at work, and at home.

Nodzy, it's not that I don't LONG for the perfect marriage, it's just that it hasn't worked for me, all the attempts I've made in the past, and I keep coming back to the idea that if I had my own space, it might work better.

Plus, despite what you might think on this board, I am a perfectly 50-50 introvert/extrovert. All those personality tests come out the same with me. Most folks assume I'm an extrovert. It's really not true. I like to be alone. I spend LOADS of time alone. I get VERY STRESSED if I don't get enough ME time. It's a very uncommon trait, to be perfectly split between the two. Must folks lean one way or the other. I'm an uncommon gal. One thing it does to me, though, is that I have very little respect for men who can't stand to be alone. Bugs the heck out of me. Why do I keep meeting these needy guys??? Because I actively offer to fix them, no doubt...

And lastly - I've had some INCREDIBLY MEANINGFUL overnight relationships. And I don't mean just sexually. I mean a true spiritual meeting. I guess I just am one of those people that can do that with someone I've only chronologically known for a short time. I will say it's rare, and wonderful, and not something you can predict or plan or control. Or repeat. Sometimes it just HAPPENS, and when you try to turn it into a relationship, that turns out to be a mistake.

And it never happens with the neighbor's wife, husband, dog, or chicken.

It only happens with the planets are correctly aligned and all the good karmic points are hit.

Cheers,
B.

sharon1965 wrote:...but i will say that having had an almost perfect marriage for the last 17 years, if anything should 'happen', god forbid, i doubt that i would want to get married again(...i've definitely peaked in that regard, and, judging by the men i meet, and the significant others of my friends, no one could be as good to me as my hubby has been...

Sharon,

I share the same feelings you do. After 23 years of marriage, I still think that I have a great wife. We were both "babies" when we got married, and have grown up together, and I couldn't imagine life without her.

I've already told her, that if I go first, she should feel free to remarry, but if she should go before me, that I will never get remarried.

It's too complicated, I doubt I could find another woman as great as her, because essentially we grew up together, and I doubt another woman my age would put up with all my little quirks (the ones my wife swears that she loves ).