Re: Discouraged
Posted: Thu May 05, 2022 8:06 pm
The American Sleep Apnea Association has a free program that provides CPAP and supplies for people in need. I'm not 100% sure it's running right now because of COVID, but you can contact them to ask: https://www.sleepapnea.org/community/cp ... plication/ And you can even request particular machines and masks. In addition, if you want to try a particular mask, many of us have unused extras we are willing to share. That would permit you to bypass all the BS from the "nurse" (was it really a nurse? Nurses cannot write prescriptions. Nurse practitioners can, though--there is a difference).
I think you could learn to be comfortable with CPAP if you took a careful approach and weren't under the gun to meet anybody's compliance requirements, which seem to add another layer of stress for you since you already experience having one machine taken away for non-compliance. Avoiding that pressure may help.
And you might start with a mask before you even get a machine. Practicing putting it on, just breathing room air when you are not trying to sleep with it. You can use your MBSR techniques or listen to calming music (you have the MBSR skills, you can use them again even if they don't work sometimes. Don't assume they are no good "anymore", they are still there for you when you try them). Start with wearing a mask 5 minutes and gradually increase the time. Do you have any masks from your previous attempt or have an idea what kind of mask you'd like to try if not? We might be able to help you get your mask of choice--somebody might have one to share.
I had a terrible time getting used to masks at first. I was terribly claustrophobic, which I learned was due--in part--to untreated sleep apnea. Think about the fact that when you have untreated apnea you are spending a significant part of each night bathed in stress hormones as your body tries to get you breathing. Those stress hormones carry over into your daytime life too. In my case, I had panic attacks driving over bridges or in the far left lane of freeways when there is a wall or barrier next to the lane. It's still there, but much better now that my apnea is treated.
I would panic and literally rip off the mask and throw it across the room. So I made up some self-imposed rules:
1. I would not go back to sleep without the mask (When you are doing the 5 minutes plus acclimation above before you even have a machine, your rule could be that you will put the mask back on to make it for 5 or more minutes instead of sleeping with it).
2. If possible, I would take deep breaths and count to 10 slowly before removing the mask. If I managed to get to 10, I'd try to count to 10 again before removing the mask. Then only removing the mask if I absolutely had to. Often, the panic would subside so I didn't have to remove the mask. Sometimes I had to repeat this several times per night.
3. I made reasonable goals. At first, it was to sleep for 1 hour (in your case it could be wear the mask for 5 minutes), then 2, then 4, then 6, and finally sleep all night. And that first night I slept through it was like I woke up in heaven. Calm, relaxed, feeling great. It made me want to have more nights like that. I didn't remember ever feeling that refreshed waking up since I was a baby in the crib (I have distinct memories of waking slowly and calmly in a crib when I was little).
4. I recognized that there would be good nights and terrible nights, and another goal was to start having more good nights than bad nights. (In your case, it could be to have more successful practice sessions than not).
Sometimes it's going to SUCK. That's reality. It's HARD. But so is living the way you have been. So it's time to choose your hard. The key is not to stop because there are times when it's hard, or you'll never give yourself a chance to feel better. Persistence is important. You CAN overcome the hard parts. Take it 1 night at a time, 1 hour, 1 minute if you have to. From what you've said you CAN do the work. MBSR itself takes persistence and practice and you completed that course. You can do this too. You are worth it, give yourself this chance.
I think you could learn to be comfortable with CPAP if you took a careful approach and weren't under the gun to meet anybody's compliance requirements, which seem to add another layer of stress for you since you already experience having one machine taken away for non-compliance. Avoiding that pressure may help.
And you might start with a mask before you even get a machine. Practicing putting it on, just breathing room air when you are not trying to sleep with it. You can use your MBSR techniques or listen to calming music (you have the MBSR skills, you can use them again even if they don't work sometimes. Don't assume they are no good "anymore", they are still there for you when you try them). Start with wearing a mask 5 minutes and gradually increase the time. Do you have any masks from your previous attempt or have an idea what kind of mask you'd like to try if not? We might be able to help you get your mask of choice--somebody might have one to share.
I had a terrible time getting used to masks at first. I was terribly claustrophobic, which I learned was due--in part--to untreated sleep apnea. Think about the fact that when you have untreated apnea you are spending a significant part of each night bathed in stress hormones as your body tries to get you breathing. Those stress hormones carry over into your daytime life too. In my case, I had panic attacks driving over bridges or in the far left lane of freeways when there is a wall or barrier next to the lane. It's still there, but much better now that my apnea is treated.
I would panic and literally rip off the mask and throw it across the room. So I made up some self-imposed rules:
1. I would not go back to sleep without the mask (When you are doing the 5 minutes plus acclimation above before you even have a machine, your rule could be that you will put the mask back on to make it for 5 or more minutes instead of sleeping with it).
2. If possible, I would take deep breaths and count to 10 slowly before removing the mask. If I managed to get to 10, I'd try to count to 10 again before removing the mask. Then only removing the mask if I absolutely had to. Often, the panic would subside so I didn't have to remove the mask. Sometimes I had to repeat this several times per night.
3. I made reasonable goals. At first, it was to sleep for 1 hour (in your case it could be wear the mask for 5 minutes), then 2, then 4, then 6, and finally sleep all night. And that first night I slept through it was like I woke up in heaven. Calm, relaxed, feeling great. It made me want to have more nights like that. I didn't remember ever feeling that refreshed waking up since I was a baby in the crib (I have distinct memories of waking slowly and calmly in a crib when I was little).
4. I recognized that there would be good nights and terrible nights, and another goal was to start having more good nights than bad nights. (In your case, it could be to have more successful practice sessions than not).
Sometimes it's going to SUCK. That's reality. It's HARD. But so is living the way you have been. So it's time to choose your hard. The key is not to stop because there are times when it's hard, or you'll never give yourself a chance to feel better. Persistence is important. You CAN overcome the hard parts. Take it 1 night at a time, 1 hour, 1 minute if you have to. From what you've said you CAN do the work. MBSR itself takes persistence and practice and you completed that course. You can do this too. You are worth it, give yourself this chance.