Ethical Angst about an elder who loaned me his ResMed

[SleepyCPAP]

I’m visiting extended relatives. It has been a while due to COVID.

I brought up how my machines are being recalled. I knew this guy (in his 80’s) had once been on BiPAP therapy. He said he hadn’t needed his ResMed Aircurve 10 VAuto machine in years, and I could use it. I asked him why he had discontinued, and how long ago. He couldn’t remember when he stopped, but guessed about 5 years ago. He said he stopped because it was always leaking and his study numbers were borderline anyway, plus something the provider said about not understanding why he needed the settings he was on. Plus I’ve definitely noticed his weight loss, so maybe that had helped.
He no longer drives, he is not a danger to others.

He agreed when I asked him if I can read the SD card to see his last date of use. He was right, it was 2016. But OSCAR also showed me his AHI. It was over 29. I showed him the screen and explained all the blue hash marks were times he’d stopped breathing. Maybe shouldn’t have looked at it, maybe I shouldn’t have shown him, or maybe I should have gone deeper.

Now I’m in a moment of trying to figure out what I should do. I’m the kind of person who would advocate up and down how he should ask about being back to using a machine at night. I’m not really the right person to be doing that - family relationship structure. And I have no confidence in his provider(s), as the months of data on the card were blatantly clear that his top pressure was too low. Were they doing that to make it comfortable? Had it been higher (and more disturbing to his sleep) earlier in treatment? (It is clear he had the machine provided to him earlier than the existing data, I’m guessing they erased previous months from the card, or got him a new card or something).

He is a generous guy to let me use this during our vacation visit. He may even suggest I take it home to keep using after our visit is over.
I am not sure how I should proceed.

[Pugsy]

Ask him what he wants or doesn't want to do and go from there.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

I am a big animal lover and the hardest realization for me to accept is the fact that I can't save them all.
I have adopted that realization to people as well. It hurts...really hurts...but sometimes we can't save them all.
If they don't want to be saved....nothing we can do about it. They have to do their part as well.

[chunkyfrog]

Accept his offer.
After ~5 years, chances that you can help him are slim to none.
On an airplane, the flight attendant will teach you how to use the safety equipment;
and how to help others do the same.
They will always stress the fact that you MUST help yourself first,
as you cannot help anyone else until you are OK.

[ChicagoGranny]

He is a generous guy to let me use this during our vacation visit. He may even suggest I take it home to keep using after our visit is over.

You left out some key information. Why did you want to use this machine on your visit? Why would you want to take it home? (I can speculate, but speculation is often wrong.)

I am not sure how I should proceed.

Oh, you knew how to proceed - come here to get somebody to tell you to take the machine so you can feel guilt-free at the old fellow's funeral.

[SleepyCPAP]

You left out some key information. Why did you want to use this machine on your visit? Why would you want to take it home? (I can speculate, but speculation is often wrong.)

I’m glad to have a few nights of not using a Philips Respironics machine. I used my PRS1 CPAP the first nights, then this Respironics machine was offered.

As for taking it home, I am fine with using a machine which is not recalled, if it really won’t be used. If it stays in his closet, I will keep using my PRS1 CPAP.

We love him very much.

[chunkyfrog]

. . .
Oh, you knew how to proceed - come here to get somebody to tell you to take the machine so you can feel guilt-free at the old fellow's funeral.

If you really meant this--cold, granny, cold.

[SleepyCPAP]

After ~5 years, chances that you can help him are slim to none.
On an airplane, the flight attendant will teach you how to use the safety equipment;
and how to help others do the same.

I was pretty enthusiastic about the use of CPAP, since 2010 when I started and every year since that. He knows that, maybe it is what opened his mind to having his snoring looked into and his agreeing to a sleep study (years after I’d started CPAP). I’ve been very respectful in asking him about his situation, and was obviously glad when he was actively trying to make the BiPAP work. I definitely put my mask on first, as a good example to him - to use the flight attendant advice you wrote. But I’m not the person to make him put his mask back on.

I’ve discreetly approached a family member about this, and my concern about him not using his VAuto. I’ve been told my heart is in the right place, but to drop it. He’s been very vocal to family that it wasn’t something he was going to do anymore. They know he needs it. They also know he is still calling the shots in his life.

I appreciate Pugsy’s variation on how to approach him.

Ask him what he wants or doesn't want to do and go from there.

If he offers the machine, or says to put it back in his closet, I’ll delicately try that angle, despite the other family member’s advice to drop it. I have no belief he will say “your dedication to CPAP showed me I should be dedicated to putting on the mask again too.”

[SewTired]

My Mom is 87, needs a cpap but refuses. I understand her reasons and don't disagree, but it is frustrating. As already said, you can lead a horse. She'll probably outlive me. I would just let him know that you are grateful for his generosity but if he changes his mind, you will be happy to bring it back. Then enjoy your sleep.

[SleepyCPAP]

Update:

The visit is over. His machine will remain in his closet, unused… except he has an appointment with his doctor to discuss his sleep apnea, and he’ll bring the machine with him.

I’ll sign off from this thread now. Thanks everyone for comments and care. We love this guy.