I am wife of bloke with SApnea and losing sleep/ intimacy.

[partner]

I seem to be coming from the oppositie direction here, but feeling low and was looking up what support is out there, found this site. I miss being able to sleep properly next to my partner. Before he was diagnosed with sleep apnea we slept in different rooms for about 3 years because of his snoring. When he got the machine it was wonderful because I pretended it was an air conditioner and at least we could be in the same room. It does take me a while to get back to sleep after waking up though this is also due to my own back pain. I have also had to use a hot water bottle to place on the pained area, to help get back to sleep, for many years. .We have used separate doonas as well, because I feel like when he is facing me, I have a cyclone of wind on my back. It's also not very inviting to lean over even for a simple kiss goodnight when the mask is on. I have never talked to anyone about this. I don't know what to do - if there is anything. We are only 38. I don't want to think about another 50 years like this. I would welcome any suggestions.

[cajapato]

This subject was sort of, almost, obliquely addressed this past week. Sleep intimacy is truly a most private issue and some are not real comfortable with public discussion of it.
I'm not one of those. My wife and I have the same concern. We've never got to the separate bed solution but there were a lot of sleepless nights on her part as she listened to me struggle with breathing. Even then, we snuggled and spooned a lot. Close physical contact has always been a must for us. Even if it's just a foot touching a leg. I know, that's getting personal.
I'm now on the mask and it exhausts forward and hisses pretty good as well. She does not like the air blowing on her. My S8 is not loud and I have a washcloth laying on top of it that muffles it pretty good. So, what's out solution to the snuggling? My wife snuggles against my back so my mask does not blow on her. She wears foam ear plugs to cover the mask noise. If she turns away from me, I'll lay on my back and slide against here. Again, all we are after is enough contact to know the other person is there. It's a comfort thing. It's not a perfect world but we are both sleeping well now and we do get to lay together. It's not impossible to overcome, it's just not what we had as youngsters. I'll take it!
As far as kissing, the mask doesn't allow for that. Kiss before the mask goes on. Take the mask off and make the kissing worthwhile. Kiss a cheek or forehead. It's all good. We are alive, healthy and happy.

[CollegeGirl]

Just a tip for others who may be wondering:

The Aura (now known as the TwilightNP) vents upward towards the headboard, and not out towards your spouse. Next time anyone concerned with intimacy tries a new mask, it might be worth trying.

My .02. Hope that helps!

[Sleepy Dog Lover]

I agree with CG, I love my Aura Twilight NP and it vents up instead of out.

[pedroski]

As far as kissing, the mask doesn't allow for that. Kiss before the mask goes on. Take the mask off and make the kissing worthwhile.

Well said. Let's face it, papping interferes with our lives, but the great news is that the papper will probably be around for another 10-15 years to be intimate with thanks to pap. A pretty good trade for some inconvenience I reckon!

Peter

[joeyv20]

Hi there! I am a married woman, using xpap. Hubby has always kept a good sense of humor regarding the machine. He has wn entire routine he does of "pilot to co-pilot" monologues to keep me laughing. It has helped to make it more comfortable to stap the mask on nightly. A supportive spouse is such a great resource.

I asked him last night of all the masks I had used over the past few years which one was the easiest to live with from his persective, he said, without hesitation that the CL2, Comfort Lite 2 is the less windy and quietest to date. I know that he has slept better since I have gotten good treatment with the xpap. All my snoring and tossing and turning and getting up and down in the night has ended. ON the down side, I now sleep like a log most nights and the dogs wake him to go outdoors in the night (we have 2 elderly dogs that often can not make it through the nite)

Best of luck to you both,

Joey

[Goofproof]

I have never talked to anyone about this. I don't know what to do - if there is anything. We are only 38. I don't want to think about another 50 years like this. I would welcome any suggestions.

I must be doing it wrong, when it comes to intimacy, I don't plan on sleeping, then. The party is over before I Mask up.

Ok! Now I'll tell the truth, Sometimes after thirty minutes of begging, I turn over and put the mask on.

The thing you want to take into consideration, If you don't take care of Sleep Apnea, you won't have to worry about that fifty years, It might not be that long. Jim

[SleepySandy]

Well said. Let's face it, papping interferes with our lives, but the great news is that the papper will probably be around for another 10-15 years to be intimate with thanks to pap.

This drills it down perfectly. Except for one thing. Partner said they're 38. I sure hope XPAP keeps her husband around for more than another 10-15 years.

He has an entire routine he does of "pilot to co-pilot" monologues to keep me laughing.

What a sweety. I think you should share some of the dialogue with us so we can laugh as well.

he said, without hesitation that the CL2, Comfort Lite 2 is the less windy and quietest to date

This is ironic. I had a night when my CL2 was so noisy it woke my husband up at 3am and he couldn't go back to sleep because of the noise. This was unusual, but it did lead to a discussion about him needing to wake me up if that happens. First, I don't want to disturb his sleep - I can nap during the day; he can't. Second, if it's leaking loudly enough to wake him up, it's leaking enough for me to not be getting appropriate therapy. Silly man didn't want to disturb ME.

[pedroski]

Well said. Let's face it, papping interferes with our lives, but the great news is that the papper will probably be around for another 10-15 years to be intimate with thanks to pap.

This drills it down perfectly. Except for one thing. Partner said they're 38. I sure hope XPAP keeps her husband around for more than another 10-15 years.

Yeah, I meant their life expectancy could be increased by 10 -15 years if they remain compliant.

Peter

[apneaicinisrael]

Hi Partner,
I hope you are still following this thread...

I just wanted to say that the fact that you reached out for support already says that you are in a good direction. OK, so most people on this forum are looking at the situation from the other angle. But anyone who has a sleeping partner has dealt with these worries/issues. I think we all need to remember that xpap therapy is an adjustment for everyone in the family - and that includes spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends/children/dogs/cats. Did I miss anyone? I think that accepting that - the adjustment period - is very important. Don't expect it to be an instant cure. The early needs for changing masks, pillows, new sleeping positions, new bedtime routine - etc - is a transition for all involved, not just the one with the mask! So you're ok. If you've read other posts, there is a lot of discussion about what mask is quieter, what machine is quieter, which one shoots the exhaust this way or that, what the dog thinks of the machine, what the kids think, etc.

You are back in the room together - that is a huge step.
You're partner is on a therapy that can save his life - that is not insignificant!
It's "only" a little mask! I'm not trying to minimize it, really, but I think that as time goes on, it really becomes like that. Trust us,

And please post again to keep us in your loop,

AII

[HappyHoser]

He has wn entire routine he does of "pilot to co-pilot" monologues

I had just finished watching a WWII film about the Memphis Belle. I'm still laughing, thanks for that!

[ready2sleep]

Hi Partner, I, too, originally came here for support. My husband had gone on the mask first, and I was having a very hard time getting used to it. I was in the room, and had moved out of the room when he was on the mask, which then caused problems with him and comliance, until I moved back into the room. I thought the moving out of the room was the answer, he wouldnt hear of it. Needless to say, life got me back. I went to my rheumatologist less than a month later, and he sent me for a sleep test, and I am now on the mask also. Now he is much more compliant, and I feel compelled to push him to be compliant. My sleep test did not show my problem as being as bad as his so I push him to be compliant. I rarely use mine, but at least it has given me a deeper appreciation of what he is going through. Im sorry, my point for this whole boring story is that I had to appreciate what he was going through and now I have. Have you tried his mask on? I would do that, if he lets you. When he had brought it home, I stayed away from it. If I were you, having been there, I would see what it feels like. I am not very compliant because I am embarassed. As far as the intimacy goes, we still touch during the night, like another poster mentioned, even if we hold hands we are touching during the night, and thats after we finish whatever else we might decide to do. Please dont let this hurt your relationship. I truly wish you the best of luck in this. I was there and know how you feel.