Dating and CPAP

[Bookworm821]

I'm fairly new to the forums, so this may be a dead horse that has already been beaten, but I am really curious about dating and CPAP.

I am divorced, have been for two years. I've had my CPAP now three whole days. I keep thinking that if I'm fortunate enough to get into a relationship again and get to the point where we're sleeping together, how does one introduce the idea of CPAP?

Can you imagine, after a romp in the hay, turning over to slip on the ol' CPAP and watching the guy bolt for the front door? I realize that any guy who truly cared about me wouldn't do so, but let's face it. CPAP isn't sexy, no matter how you slice it. Rolling over in the middle of the night and seeing me with THAT on my face may deter even the most ardent of suitors.

Has anyone had this experience? Do you discuss it in advance of getting to the point where you're going to be sleeping together. Do you mention it on your dating profile? First date?

Any insight you have would be much appreciated!

[Kilgore Trout]

I would bring it up when they've earned the right to sleep over, and not a moment sooner. I believe in the need-to-know basis. Think about it:

"I'd like you to stay with me tonight, but so you're not surprised, I have a sleeping condition that gives me trouble breathing. I have a quiet little machine I use at night to get any real sleep. I'm miserable all day without using it. It's no big deal, and I'll tell you all about it over breakfast."

vs.

"Nice to meet you! Say, every heard of sleep apnea?"

If someone's really into you, they'll understand that the version of you they like is the one under CPAP therapy.

[MaxDarkside]

I'm new here and not looked about on this topic, so I'm game... I'm married, not dating, but even then when starting out you have such thoughts, even with your spouse (mine is loving and very supportive in me not dying again).

However, that said, I think you pose an opportunity for an entrepreneurial spirit to market masks that become a source of "turn on" than "turn off". Imagine a Venetian mask, or something a bit more "S&M" or perhaps some would like to be Darth Vader more closely. Some people might REALLY like that, if you know what I mean Oh, ya.... GRIN.

[xenablue]

You've received the same answer from KilgoreTrout that I would have given - couldn't have said it better myself!

Don't scare 'em off before they've had a chance to experience all your great qualities - the CPAP will pale into insignificance - specially if you word it as KT suggested

Hey, I was a little uncomfortable wearing my mask with hubby, and he was also a little squirmy. I think he made some little harmless quips to lighten the awkwardness so I wouldn't hit him over the head with the machine.

Cheers,
xena

[Kairosgrammy]

Being single myself, I quite understand. I tell a lot of people that I use a cpap. Most people that know me, know my bedtime friend, Mr. Cpap. Since I don't think I'd jump into bed with the first guy on the first date, I'd be pretty sure he knew about it before we got that far. You can always tell a funny cpap story or just be up front early on. You sure don't want to date a guy for a month, tell him about the cpap and then he goes missing.

I'm fairly new to the forums, so this may be a dead horse that has already been beaten, but I am really curious about dating and CPAP.

I am divorced, have been for two years. I've had my CPAP now three whole days. I keep thinking that if I'm fortunate enough to get into a relationship again and get to the point where we're sleeping together, how does one introduce the idea of CPAP?

Can you imagine, after a romp in the hay, turning over to slip on the ol' CPAP and watching the guy bolt for the front door? I realize that any guy who truly cared about me wouldn't do so, but let's face it. CPAP isn't sexy, no matter how you slice it. Rolling over in the middle of the night and seeing me with THAT on my face may deter even the most ardent of suitors.

Has anyone had this experience? Do you discuss it in advance of getting to the point where you're going to be sleeping together. Do you mention it on your dating profile? First date?

Any insight you have would be much appreciated!

[shelly56]

Great question I'm single and was allways thinking the same thing when is the best time to tell them about using cpap

[Kilgore Trout]

When I was using a full-face mask, I put it on, and the first thing I said is, "this is awesome! I'm like a fighter pilot!"

And that was her first impression. I think that went a long way to how she sees CPAP

[MaxDarkside]

"this is awesome! I'm like a fighter pilot!"

... and watch my high speed maneuvers, sunshine!

She: "What's that thing?"
He: "Its my supercharger"
She: "What's it do"
He: "Improve my libido"
She: "Ohhhh, Nice!"

This isn't so much a medical device for a defect, no, it's an enhancer that a lot of others don't have (wink).

[Kody]

Or when the time is right you can whisper sweetly into his ear.. "I'm kind of kinky and Hospital settings really turn me on, so I set my bedroom up like one, want to play?"..

Seriously though I also go with Kilgore's way of doing it. Any guy that's worth keeping won't care, good luck.

[SleepingUgly]

I agree with a lot of what's been said.

The answer to your question probably depends on the timing of the encounter... If you just met the person and you spend the night, you're obviously going to be telling them about your condition pretty much right away. If you wait until you've been dating awhile to spend the night together, there's more time to establish a relationship before having to disclose this. (Keep in mind that you can have all kinds of encounters without actually sleeping, and those would not require a CPAP). IMO, it's premature to tell anyone right off the bat about any health conditions you have, how you feel about your ex-husband, and other personal matters. I think the assumption that if the person is "the one"they will stick with you, only applies once a real relationship has been established. Personally, if someone tells me all their problems as soon as I meet them, it feels like they are forcing greater intimacy than we have and/or I wonder about their boundaries. It's a turn off.

When you are ready to tell them, I wouldn't make it a huge thing. IMO, your functioning during their day is a bigger deal than the gear you wear at night. If you're going to need a lot of accommodations during the day to function, that's more of a relationship stressor than strapping on some gear at night. I don't feel "attractive" in my gear, either, and if I had to let someone new see me like that for the first time, I'd probably feign more comfort with it than I felt (After all, hearing someone's huge insecurities right off the bat falls under what I said before: too much information too soon.)

All this said, I don't think I abided by anything I just said when I was single. I wasn't on CPAP, but I probably disclosed too much too soon about all kinds of other things. Still, you didn't ask for what I would do, but rather what I should do, right?!

[SleepingUgly]

Or when the time is right you can whisper sweetly into his ear.. "I'm kind of kinky and Hospital settings really turn me on, so I set my bedroom up like one, want to play?"..

A Star Wars joke or "do you want to play doctor?" joke can make it seem like you feel more comfortable with it than you do. And you know what they say, "Fake it 'til you feel it" (no idea who "they" is...).

Seriously though I also go with Kilgore's way of doing it. Any guy that's worth keeping won't care, good luck.

I don't know about that. It depends how it's done and when. If I was in the infatuation phase (you know, the period of time early in a relationship when one can subsist on air alone + the anticipation of being together), and he seemed very comfortable with it like it was no big deal, I'd probably be OK with it. But if a guy sat me down on the first or second date and had a totally serious, detailed conversation with me about his OSA, his struggles to breathe all night as he gasps for air, and tells me that he spends time every day downloading his data and scrutinizing it, and that he feels ugly in his gear and is worried it will be a turn off to me... Oy vey.

[MaxDarkside]

My prior posts were mostly in humor but in reality dating is a means by which one may create acquaintances, a few of which may transition into a friendship that may deepen over time and as the persons get to know each other, starting in generalities and more detail as time goes on, that at some part in that process you may be discussing your sleep apnea (and their list of maladies as well) and if they are friends and care for you, then really, they will be happy that you are getting the treatment you need that improves your life. In my case, I married my best friend and there's nothing more I can ask for than that.

[DynoDad]

Agree not to rush into it, but it probably needs dealt with before you spend the night together, otherwise having the conversation on the night could be a bit of a dampener. If he cares about you he won't care about the mask, unless you make a big deal of it.

That said, I've been married for 20 years to the most wonderful woman who is very supportive ... but I still put my mask on in the dark. Weird, huh?

[Slartybartfast]

I had sort of the opposite experience.

After being divorced for 8 years, the proverbial "one that got away" 23 years ago came back into my life. We picked up where we left off; both now reading off the same page of the map regarding where we wanted the relationship to go. Being an R.N. she diagnosed me right off the bat. After drifting on the Great River for a while (De Nile), I finally relented and got tested after an anesthesiologist told me the same thing after a minor sturgery. The wife (now) is still a little miffed that I took the gas-passer's word and not hers. I just quoted Proverbs 15:22 to her:

"Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed."

Don't rush into things. And don't be anxious about it. You don't want to waste your time with someone who would make an issue of it, anyway.

Pithy quote:

Dirt-on-the Nose: "I'm an imortant man. More important than you. I have a wife and four horses."
"Little Big Man: "I have a horse and four wives."

- Little Big Man

[kwcrnp]

I'm new to this CPAP issue and married but my thoughts are:
1. Tell him before the "big night" but not right in the beginning of the relationship.
2. Don't just go without it for a night...not healthy, you'll feel like crap in the morning and most of all....don't want to scare him off with loud snoring!