Spouse Just Diagnosed

[Perris]

My spouse was just diagnosed with sleep apnea and was given a CPAP to use each night. I know this is wrong to say but the sight of him with the mask on repulses me. Overnight, with no warning, my lover became an sickly old man. Please forgive me for sounding harsh, it is how I feel even though I know it is wrong. I came here looking for help in dealing with the issue.

Anyway, we had a fairly active sex life but I can't get the picture of him with the mask out of my mind. I don't want to be touched by him anymore while at the same time, I hate losing the physical intimacy of cuddling and sex. I know he is still the same man, but physically he is not. Before you flame me too much, we would all understand losing the attraction physically if someone gained 100 pounds. While the situation is different, I can't help what attracts me and what doesn't. I am sorry to be shallow, I don't want to be but I can't seem to make the feelings go away.

Is there anyone out there that can help me?

[oak]

I do understand where you are coming from, but you need to understand that your spouse is the same person, and you need to understand how important it is for you to be supportive. As far as sex, just have sex before he uses his equipment. sleep is sleep, with or without cpap. you dont have to be attracted to him with his equipment ON. here is a recent thread I would recommend reading:

viewtopic.php?f=1&t=90951&st=0&sk=t&sd= ... st+married

i am not sure i copied the link correctly. if not, search for "just married"

[kaiasgram]

Hi Perris, welcome. First and foremost: If you were truly a shallow person you would not be here asking for help with how you're feeling.

Nevertheless you should still be prepared for some flaming based on prior responses to people who have posted requests for help similar to yours. But your honesty is really the best first start and trust me you don't need to spend energy defending yourself about this.

Of course I don't know your relationship history with your spouse, but it's very possible that a few good couples counseling sessions could help you with the adjustment you're both going through. This is a crossable bridge for sure but it's new and I understand why it's creepy right now. I'm guessing you are both on the younger side (at least compared to many of us here). Don't let the flaming make you feel ashamed for what you're feeling, just get some support to help you and your spouse grieve the loss of the ease and freedom of bedtime that you signed up for and navigate a new reality that truly can become your "new normal" and you will be ok. Really. I'm a couples therapist and if you had called me with this problem I would have thought to myself, "Ah, this one is a can-do for this couple!"

Good luck, feel free to PM me if you'd like some tips on finding a good therapist in your area. You guys will be ok if you work on this together.

[ironhands]

Energy levels will increase, so, if things were already pretty active, they may get more active.

I know what you're saying though, it's a sudden shock. My ex had a breast reduction, it took a while for things to recover for us, especially since we're talking about a now scarred up and smaller sexual part.

It will just take some time for adjustment.

[kteague]

When something changes about the person we are with, yes, it can be an adjustment. These and any other such circumstance is a chance for us learn learn more about ourself, our spouse, and about our relationship. We will either grow as a person and as a couple - or we won't. I certainly hope you adjust to this change and begin seeing it with more than your eyes. You may get to the point that you love what this machine is doing for the man you love more than you hate how it looks. I'm guessing that (hopefully with your encouragement to get everything he can from this therapy) you will find that the changes make him the opposite of a sick old man, but rather, give him the sleep needed to live life with more vitality. And it is just air. Give this some time. I'd really be interested in hearing how you feel a few months from now.

Just a tip from someone who has done a lot of living... I'm thinking of times when I've yielded to the inclination to be shallow or critical and judgemental - all human nature - but so many times, shortly afterward I was humbled by doing or being the very thing I'd openly expressed disdain for regarding someone else. Stay married long enough and this table may turn. You are right now setting the standard for how you want HIM to treat YOU if that happens. Sobering, eh?

Give it some time. I'm guessing how you feel about this will mellow in time. It's all still new.

[Julie]

Have you considered getting some counselling? I know it's almost a cliche to say that, but in your case you need help (and so does your husband - have you considered what he must be feeling knowing what you think - and I have no doubt that he knows)?

It is so crucial to a man to feel virile as he gets older and if you stop confirming his attraction for you, who knows what lengths he might go to if he needs to get back that feeling?

I DO understand that it's a shock to you - I really do - but you can't just let it stop there. Go and do whatever you need to to fix it.

[kaiasgram]

kteague, you have a gift -- I'm so glad you posted on this thread.

[DJD52]

My spouse was just diagnosed with sleep apnea and was given a CPAP to use each night. I know this is wrong to say but the sight of him with the mask on repulses me. Overnight, with no warning, my lover became an sickly old man. Please forgive me for sounding harsh, it is how I feel even though I know it is wrong. I came here looking for help in dealing with the issue.

Anyway, we had a fairly active sex life but I can't get the picture of him with the mask out of my mind. I don't want to be touched by him anymore while at the same time, I hate losing the physical intimacy of cuddling and sex. I know he is still the same man, but physically he is not. Before you flame me too much, we would all understand losing the attraction physically if someone gained 100 pounds. While the situation is different, I can't help what attracts me and what doesn't. I am sorry to be shallow, I don't want to be but I can't seem to make the feelings go away.

Is there anyone out there that can help me?

The site of your husband in full CPAP mode must have been pretty shocking! Esp if you have never seen anyone in it before. I know I shocked myself when I started and saw myself in the mirror! YIKES! My husband thought it was cute... OMG!
I think I can understand, esp if you both are young. (well young compared to some of us)
The physical attraction is very important, and what we see to attract us is a key to feeling desire, who would normally be attracted to or desire an alien with a hose out of his nose? Don't beat yourself up, just back up and think about who is under that "MASK" and hose and what attracts you when he doesn't have it on.
Good idea to be intimate during a good time through the day/evening when you see him as he IS, not as the alien, and you feel that old attraction.

I actually do understand. As we age, or even when we just become familiar with a mate, we see things that just do not appeal to us. As some one said, this can be worked through when the key to your relationship is love, respect, and with some time maybe you can think of him as wearing an ugly costume that comes off except one that will prolong his life and give him more energy to do all you both want to do in life?

[ironhands]

who would normally be attracted to or desire an alien with a hose out of his nose?

[DoriC]

We're probably an older couple than you are but nevertheless we have a very close, loving relationship. I was totally shocked when he put his full face mask on and after 5 years I still can't imagine having to wear that thing every night. What's even worse, I'm the caregiver for his therapy because he's disabled and can't manage himself. What got me through the first few months were 2 things, the fact that he had someting that could be treated and he wouldn't die on me from some terrible disease, and the second was that I knew without a doubt that if it was reversed and it was me wearing that mask, he would still think I was beautiful and not give it a second thought. Now with his quality of life so much improved I'm really grateful for his "girlfriend he sleeps with"(his words). If your feelings run too deep to be changed with time then you'll have to get some professional advice. If you can see this through you'll have a better husband with more energy, good health and companionship that's probably been missing without you even realizing it. Good luck and keep us posted.

[DJD52]

who would normally be attracted to or desire an alien with a hose out of his nose?

[ironhands]

Alien - Check!
Hose out of nose - Check!
Sexy dance - Check!

[Stormynights]

I look at my husband sometimes and notice how old he is getting. His looks aren't really appealing to me like they once were. Then I look in the mirror and wonder how he stands looking at me. He still loves me and tells me I am pretty. I am so blessed to have him, besides I would never want to see another man my age naked. What would be worse would be any other man seeing me naked. I am happy to have him to grow older with.

[BlackSpinner]

Therapy. You need to talk to a professional about your relationship - NOW.

If you share even a hint of this with him and he stops using this life affirming therapy it is kind of like you are poisoning him slowly to death.

Instead of seeing a sick old man, see the sexy fighter pilot in his gear. That is Luke Skywalker going in for the kill of the Death Star.

[Julie]

And, what if one day you should need some kind of treatment which is not sexy looking, but just the opposite? How would you want him to act? I know that you can't 'help' your feelings, reactions, whatever, but you can - check out CBT therapy, it was made for this kind of situation and it can be implemented quite quickly.