Unofficial CPAP Glossary
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:56 am
CPAP (Continue Pumping Air Please)
Bedside snore suppressor that beats being strangled by your bedmate.
AutoPAP
Like the above but knows what you need without asking.
BiPAP
This switch hitting machine that enjoys inhaling and exhaling equally.
VPAP (Very Polite Air Pumper)
One of the best mannered machines on the market. Turns down your bed and leaves a mint on your pillow.
XPAP
Your first blower that took all your insurance money, your hose and half your mask collection after you found a new bed partner.
DME (Distributor of Medieval Equipment)
An Antique dealer specializing in ancient therapeutic devices.
Insurance Companies
These benefactors subsidize the DMEs in the effort to bring historical artifacts into local bedrooms so all can enjoy.
Scrunchy
A medical device often misused for holding hair in place rather than its true purpose of securing hoses to walls.
Pantyhose
Criminal head wear that has reformed and now offers mask support to OSA sufferers as part of its community service.
OSA (Outstanding Sleeping Ability)
That misunderstood rare talent to provide soothing vibrations throughout the night for the whole house. Known for its non-syncopated gaps as the practitioners ponder what tune to play next for their captivated audiences. They are often shunned by society do to an effective smear campaign by the manufacturer of Magic Finger beds.
Sleep Lab
The ideal sleeping environment developed during the Spanish Inquisition.
Mask
Currently known as an interface, which was changed from its original self explanatory name of enter-face at Ellis Island when it emigrated from Spain.
Hose
A marital aid that vastly improved the delivery of CPAP therapy. Prior to its introduction there were scores of beatings as a result of spouses rolling over in their sleep with CPAP machines strapped to their heads.
Head Gear
Non-narcotic paraphernalia that should be illegal to sell in most states.
Titration
The dark art of determining how much air can be pumped into an individual before their head disconnects and whizzes around the room. This is not to be practiced by the un-initiated who have not learned all the mystical hand gestures necessary to control the demons of the air.
Clinician Manual
The ancient tome of the Titrator for unlocking the mystery of the menus resident on your CPAP. It most prevalent employment by DMEs is to supplement their incomes by selling it on Ebay.
Mouth Breathing
An aerobic exercise that tends to increase lip size much the same as collagen injections. Frowned on by CPAP users as they feel they are being blown up enough without them.
Bedside snore suppressor that beats being strangled by your bedmate.
AutoPAP
Like the above but knows what you need without asking.
BiPAP
This switch hitting machine that enjoys inhaling and exhaling equally.
VPAP (Very Polite Air Pumper)
One of the best mannered machines on the market. Turns down your bed and leaves a mint on your pillow.
XPAP
Your first blower that took all your insurance money, your hose and half your mask collection after you found a new bed partner.
DME (Distributor of Medieval Equipment)
An Antique dealer specializing in ancient therapeutic devices.
Insurance Companies
These benefactors subsidize the DMEs in the effort to bring historical artifacts into local bedrooms so all can enjoy.
Scrunchy
A medical device often misused for holding hair in place rather than its true purpose of securing hoses to walls.
Pantyhose
Criminal head wear that has reformed and now offers mask support to OSA sufferers as part of its community service.
OSA (Outstanding Sleeping Ability)
That misunderstood rare talent to provide soothing vibrations throughout the night for the whole house. Known for its non-syncopated gaps as the practitioners ponder what tune to play next for their captivated audiences. They are often shunned by society do to an effective smear campaign by the manufacturer of Magic Finger beds.
Sleep Lab
The ideal sleeping environment developed during the Spanish Inquisition.
Mask
Currently known as an interface, which was changed from its original self explanatory name of enter-face at Ellis Island when it emigrated from Spain.
Hose
A marital aid that vastly improved the delivery of CPAP therapy. Prior to its introduction there were scores of beatings as a result of spouses rolling over in their sleep with CPAP machines strapped to their heads.
Head Gear
Non-narcotic paraphernalia that should be illegal to sell in most states.
Titration
The dark art of determining how much air can be pumped into an individual before their head disconnects and whizzes around the room. This is not to be practiced by the un-initiated who have not learned all the mystical hand gestures necessary to control the demons of the air.
Clinician Manual
The ancient tome of the Titrator for unlocking the mystery of the menus resident on your CPAP. It most prevalent employment by DMEs is to supplement their incomes by selling it on Ebay.
Mouth Breathing
An aerobic exercise that tends to increase lip size much the same as collagen injections. Frowned on by CPAP users as they feel they are being blown up enough without them.