CPAPtalk.com

I don't know which would be worse; having sleep apnea and having to use CPAP, or having a wife as shallow as this one.

Oh honey don't use that machine I have a nice coffin and black dress all picked out!

I don't think the OP is shallow, myself. I think I can understand the apprehension on the part of a spouse getting used to the idea of the machine. After all, it IS something stange and new and different that they have to wrap their minds around too.

Where and how two people sleep are often more about personal preferences and cultural perceptions than logic, and I can see how the idea of having a machine in the bedroom can sound at first a lot like having another presence in the bed, or like sleeping in separate beds.

It is interesting how for some people the sleeping arrangment represents the relationship itself and how the bed represents intimacy. After I had been diagnosed but before I had a machine, I slept in the living room in a recliner for a while until I could get a bed wedge. My wife hated that I slept in another room. To me, it had nothing to do with our relationship, but to her it did, and I respect that and did not mind talking about it to reassure her during that time.

I think the fact that the idea of the machine is frightening to a spouse and that a spouse worries about how it might change the relationship, sexually or otherwise, are actually signs of a very strong marriage and a deep relationship--otherwise the spouse wouldn't care one way or the other.

And I also think this forum is as good a place as any for someone to talk about those concerns and get help dealing with them.

But, hey, that's just me.

cpap sleep partner wrote:My husband of 18 years was just fitted with a CPAP mask and machine. I cried because it looks to me like this is the end of our sex life. I know he is very tired but I dread having to sleep next to this robot monster mask every night. Any suggestions about how to keep my marriage while my husband tries to get a decent night's sleep?

cpap sleep partner,

You certainly discovered how to get a reaction if that is what you were looking for. If your post is serious, and you weren't trying to stir things up, then I want to say a few things.

1. When we go through major life changes, like death of a loved one, divorce, illness, etc. we experience grief and its stages. Spouses go through the grieving stages too.

2. If you are upset, how do you think your husband feels? I can only speak for myself, but yours is exactly the kind of reaction I fear when I think about sharing my condition with others. It is a difficult time for him. Even if you haven't told him, he will pick up on your attitude. If he worries more about your reaction than his health, and doesn't use it, it could kill him or potentially someone else if he drives without using it....

3. Your marriage should be about more than your sex life. If you want to keep your marriage then support him through this. Tell him that you are there for him, but that means you are going to have to deal with some of your own issues as well. Yes, this affects you, but it isn't about you. Own the part that is yours and get some professional help, a counselor, psychologist, doctor, help line whatever you need to do. Educate yourself.

4. If you don't get the reason for people being upset with your post, this is part of the reason: You have violated a mostly unspoken, code/boundary when dealing with people in special groups, whether it be made up of disabilities, cultures, interests, or even just social groups.
This is the rule: WE ARE ALLOWED TO MAKE FUN OF OURSELVES. YOU ARE NOT. Choose your words carefully, especially when asking for help. Would you have chosen your words more carefully if this forum were made up a different social group? Examples might be groups of: learning disabled, mentally ill, a different religion or race than you....

5.It sounds like you are saying that people wearing masks are monsters. Call one member of a group names, and the others get upset.

How would wearing a mask turn your husband into a monster? That is what it sounds like you are saying. I don't know where the robot part comes in, but.... If he wears it when he is asleep, how will it put an end to your sex life? It is your reaction to the mask that will put an end to your sex life.

Really, if your post is serious get some help,
OR find a better way to amuse yourself than poking at bear cubs with sticks...because mother bears are formidable....

R

Well said, Rebecca R!!

Rebecca R wrote: <many excellent comments snipped> ... Really, if your post is serious get some help,
OR find a better way to amuse yourself than poking at bear cubs with sticks...because mother bears are formidable....

You GO girl!

And here I thought the O/P was asking if there was any cpap users interested in having sex???
Damn, disregard my PM..

This post has to be from someone strange. Why would she think cpap would interfere with her sexlife? I hope she knows the hose goes on his Head!!!
What a waste of forum space. The second I read it I thought "weirdo"
Actually if she doesn't want to see the mask, she can wear a sleep mask over her eyes or look the other way

rws wrote:And here I thought the O/P was asking if there was any cpap users interested in having sex???
Damn, disregard my PM..

Paint the mask to look like Don Juan DeMarco and pretend he is Johnny Depp!! Kinky but it could be fun.

Funny, I am really not very offened and I can understand her questions as well. I am a BIPAP user and I slep with a CPAP user. I have people ask me if sex was over, how we manage, etc etc. I have understanding for the questions, the fear and so on. I look at ourselves and can understand we look kind of odd with our masks and hoses and machines. I have seen doctors think sex was over because of medical conditions, or certainly desires. There are many types of medical crisis that will invoke fears, and sexuality is a strong part of many of our lives and medical things often interfere with a healthy sex life. A very close friend of mine just had to have a surgery for cancer and needs a bag now, she and her husband felt that it was over, till a very good nurse brought up the question of sex after this type of thing so they could talk about fears and aprehensions and so on. This is a very common thing with many medical conditions, I think it is a good thing for her to ask, or him, and start dialogue.

My advicde to the origional poster, is to talk to her partner, see how s/he feels about where they are at, what they can do to make each other more comfortable. Reach out to other people and learn more about the apnea, the machines, and so on.

Thats JMHO.

If this is a crank post, it still has merits. I am sure many a search of "sex" has been done on this forum.

I would think this is a huge concern. I know working in a hospital as a Registered Nurse, even the topic of sex comes up quiet frequently. Many post surgical or cardiac patients going home will eventually ask about that topic. Why not cpap users? CPAP is something that has now been introduced into the bedroom and probably will be staying so it must be addressed.

Maybe the wife felt more comfortable using the anonymity and experience of this forum than to ask her husband or even caregiver?

I know of a new product that doctors are raving about, it is an interface for CPAP that does not require a mask! Unbelievable! the invention is called BioPAP by AlanaLaboratories . I wonder if any of you have tried it?

What is the big deal? You have sex, then you put the mask on and go to sleep. I'll never understand the problem some people have with this, and some of the seriously selfish spouses. CPAP saves lives, and greatly improves the health of a person with OSA, not to mention the reduction in snoring, sometimes ceiling-raising snoring.

Take deep breath and really think about what you're doing if you complain about the machine that's saving your spouse's health, and possibly life.

Aleksey wrote:I know of a new product that doctors are raving about, it is an interface for CPAP that does not require a mask! Unbelievable! the invention is called BioPAP by AlanaLaboratories . I wonder if any of you have tried it?

You posted this in a separate thread, and now you're posting it in a thread totally unrelated. Sounds like you're trying to sell something to me. If you'd just kept it only in the thread you started, I may have not thought that.