OT: The Real Laws

[Goofproof]

The Real Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair -After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

6. Variation Law- If you change lines (supermarket or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters-The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with whom you don't want to be seen.

9.Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10.Law of Biomechanics -The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Sporting Events - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces- The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance- If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it, or change it.

19.Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, and by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

[49er]

6. Variation Law- If you change lines (supermarket or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Or if you choose to stay in the current lane, the one you were considering moving to always moves faster.

9.Law of the Result- When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

As one who is mechanically disinclined:), this happens to me all the time. Sheesh!

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

A version of this. I worked in a job where I rarely ever saw my boss during the day. But as soon as I put food in my mouth, he would always show up. I swear this happened so frequently, it was eerie.

Thanks for a good laugh as I relate to all of the real laws so well.

49er

[mgaggie]

Checkout operators law: You can guarantee that 95% of customers will arrive in the five minutes before closing, and not in the preceeding five hours you've worked

[49er]

Checkout operators law: You can guarantee that 95% of customers will arrive in the five minutes before closing, and not in the preceeding five hours you've worked

A similar version is the receptionists' law. Not only will 95% of all calls occur in the five minutes before closing time, they will be queries that require extensive time. It never fails.

49er

[DreamStalker]

20. The Law of Unsustainability - That which is unsustainable is NOT sustainable ... what goes up must come down.



... except when the debt exceeds the escape velocity with an exponential function (aka - interest on debt).



21. The Real Law of Money - All Money is debt. Debt increases exponentially with increasing fiat money supply.


22. The Law of DeNile - The sheeple will always choose the sandy banks of DeNile over the discomfort of inevitabilities.



"They'd rather just stay comfortable, and then, when that is no longer possible, just sit silently in the dark wearing dirty clothes." -- Dmitry Orlov

"Should Goldman And JPMorgan Control Power Plants, Warehouses And Oil Refiners?" - Live Senate Webcast

No really, that is the actual name of the hearing that the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs will hold today in order to "clarify" why banks like Goldman are currently the owners of the largest aluminum warehouse in the US, or why Goldman, JPM and BlackRock are set to control 80% of all copper stores. The hearing's official name: "Examining Financial Holding Companies: Should Banks Control Power Plants, Warehouses, and Oil Refineries?"

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2013-07-2 ... rs-live-se


... and the sheeple, they remain comfortable ... for now.

[Slinky]

"Should Goldman And JPMorgan Control Power Plants, Warehouses And Oil Refiners?" - Live Senate Webcast

No really, that is the actual name of the hearing that the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs will hold today in order to "clarify" why banks like Goldman are currently the owners of the largest aluminum warehouse in the US, or why Goldman, JPM and BlackRock are set to control 80% of all copper stores. The hearing's official name: "Examining Financial Holding Companies: Should Banks Control Power Plants, Warehouses, and Oil Refineries?"

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2013-07-2 ... rs-live-se

Yeah, I read this one the other day. Our freaking government hasn't got the integrity nor the guts to put a stop to this type of horsepuckies by the financial cartels. Jack Kennedy warned us to "beware the gnomes of Zurich". We ignored them and now they've taken over Wall Street and Washington, DC.

[DreamStalker]

"Should Goldman And JPMorgan Control Power Plants, Warehouses And Oil Refiners?" - Live Senate Webcast

No really, that is the actual name of the hearing that the Senate Committee on Banking, Housing and Urban Affairs will hold today in order to "clarify" why banks like Goldman are currently the owners of the largest aluminum warehouse in the US, or why Goldman, JPM and BlackRock are set to control 80% of all copper stores. The hearing's official name: "Examining Financial Holding Companies: Should Banks Control Power Plants, Warehouses, and Oil Refineries?"

http://www.zerohedge.com/news/2013-07-2 ... rs-live-se

Yeah, I read this one the other day. Our freaking government hasn't got the integrity nor the guts to put a stop to this type of horsepuckies by the financial cartels. Jack Kennedy warned us to "beware the gnomes of Zurich". We ignored them and now they've taken over Wall Street and Washington, DC.

The corporate fascists extend far beyond the gnomes of Zurich and the financial fraudulence ...

Another win for Monsanto: US raises allowable levels of company’s pesticide in crops

Biotech giant Monsanto has been awarded yet another victory by the federal government thanks to a recent Environmental Protection Agency decision to allow larger traces of the herbicide glyphosate in farm-grown foods.

Despite a number of studies linking exposure to the chemical with diseases including types of cancer, the EPA is increasing the amount of glyphosate allowed in oilseed and food crops.

The EPA announced their plans on May 1 and allowed critics two months to weigh in and object to the ruling. Following little opposition, though, the EPA is on path to soon approve of levels of glyphosate being found in crops several times over the current concentration.

Glyphosate, a weed-killing chemical developed by Monsanto in 1970, is the key ingredient in the company’s “Roundup” label of herbicides. In the decades since, Monsanto has created and patented a number of genetically-modified organisms and genetically-engineered crops resisted to glyphosate that are sold worldwide under the company’s “Roundup Ready” brand. Those GMO products are then planted in fields where glyphosate, namely Roundup, is used en masse to eliminate weeds from taking over harvest. With scientists linking that chemical to cancerous diseases, though, critics decry the EPA decision and caution it could do more harm than good.

Through the EPA’s new standards, the amount of allowable glyphosate in oilseed crops such as flax, soybeans and canola will be increased from 20 parts per million (ppm) to 40 ppm, which GM Watch acknowledged is over 100,000 times the amount needed to induce breast cancer cells. Additionally, the EPA is increasing limits on allowable glyphosate in food crops from 200 ppm to 6,000 ppm.

Just last month, The Cornucopia Institute concluded a study by finding glyphosate “exerted proliferative effects in human hormone-dependent breast cancer.” A similar study released in April concluded that “glyphosate enhances the damaging effects of other food borne chemical residues and environmental toxins.”

“Negative impact on the body is insidious and manifests slowly over time as inflammation damages cellular systems throughout the body,” independent scientist Anthony Samsel and MIT’s Stephanie Seneff concluded in the April study. “Consequences are most of the diseases and conditions associated with a Western diet, which include gastrointestinal disorders, obesity, diabetes, heart disease, depression, autism, infertility, cancer and Alzheimer’s disease.”

Dr. Don M. Huber, emeritus professor of plant pathology at Purdue University, found in yet another examination that “Glyphosate draws out the vital nutrients of living things,” in turn removing most nutritional value from GMO foods.

A press release issued by the group Beyond Pesticides criticized the decision as well. “Given that alternative methods of growing food and managing weeds are available, like those that exist in organic agriculture, it is unreasonable for EPA to increase human exposures to Roundup,” they wrote.

In the past, Monsanto has long-defended their use of the chemical. “We are very confident in the long track record that glyphosate has,” Jerry Stainer, Monsanto’s executive vice president of sustainability, stated previously. “It has been very, very extensively studied.”

http://rt.com/usa/monsanto-glyphosate-roundup-epa-483/

And the imbecile medical industry says all that people need to do is eat a balanced diet with plenty of whole grains (w/ lots of extra glyphosate now) and exercise more.

... but yes, while Monsanto poses death to our food supply, the gnomes pose an inevitable death to the entire global economy, and modern civilization itself.

Nonetheless, the sheeple will remain comfortable so long as they don't think about such things until they have to.

Sure the sheeple bitch about ResMed and their muscle to force CPAP vendors to charge certain prices or prevent people from selling used equipment but if only they new what dangers really lurk outside this forum, they might actually wake up and get mad.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1T8xgHdMEM

[chunkyfrog]

Are we in Cuba yet?

[deerslayer]

# 23. BIKER LAW OF PROBABILITY: When riding in the direction of lightning & dark clouds, putting on a rainsuit will stop precip *
Conversely , don't grunt your way into one & you WILL get deluged .....Either way you are gonna get wet

[Stormynights]

Are we in Cuba yet?

That reminds me of my first trip on a plane. There were lots of sky jackings to Cuba at that time. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong on that trip. We finally landed back in my home town and we all lined up to exit the plane. Everyone was asking the attendants what was the delay letting us off the plane. They just kept going back and forth without answering. I was bawling and grabbed one by the arm and demanded to know what was going on. She said the door was stuck. It took 45 minutes to get the door open and I had already gone back to my seat because I thought we were going to Cuba. It really was just a stuck door I guess. I felt like kissing the ground when I got off.

[DreamStalker]

Go back to sleep you little sheeple. Your corporate handlers have hijacked your government and will take care that you arrive at your destination shortly, for the great harvest is nye.

... baaaa .... baaaaah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqlsVZ1zxMk

[Slinky]

I remember my first trip home from California. This trip to and from was my first air trip since the advent of commercial jet flying. First we were delayed "forever" on the tarmac due to a problem w/the air coditioning. We taxied in and out of the dock several times then over to the "maintenance bay". Finally we managed to take off. The first half of the flight then went fine. Then we hit some turbulent weather. I was reading The Hunt For Red October.

There "we" are depth charging Red October and .... whooomph! Our plane dropped several thousand feet! Some stuff went flying, some 02 masks dropped down, one of the "ceiling panels" dropped on a lady's head, another lady had what was suspected was a heart attack .... hey! We got a taste of just how fast that jet could fly! And we didn't waste any time circling O'Hare, we went right straight in.

My dog was transferred and met the connection to Lansing, MI. "I" missed the flight along w/a couple of others and spent the night at O'Hare. I had to call my daughter out of bed to drive to Lansing, get the airline manager out of bed to send someone down to the baggage office and release my dog to my daughter.

We didn't have that kind of excitement w/the old prop jobs.