Help me my husbands sleep apnea is ruining our marriage

angel3wilson · Post by **angel3wilson** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:00 am

I posted this somewhere before. This is my first time in this kind of chat and I am definately looking for some answers. My husband and I fight all the time over him dozing off all the time. I don't know if he can't help it, or does not realize that he has dozed off or if he is honestly just being lazy. He uses a c-flex machine and has since July of 2004. Things just seem to be worse for me now because he has treatment and his behavior hasn't changed. I don't want my marriage to end over this.
angel3wilson.

rested gal · Post by **rested gal** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:22 am

Hi again, Angel.

No, your husband is not just being lazy. I'm not a doctor, but I'd bet on one of several things - or any/all:

Perhaps his apnea is not being well treated yet. Is he wearing his mask and using his machine all night, every night? He's not taking it off in his sleep, is he? If he's really wearing it all night, religiously, then perhaps the pressure is not getting the job done for him...might need higher pressure. Or possibly he's leaking treatment air out his mouth most of the night? If the air is escaping out his mouth into the room, it's not able to keep his throat open sufficiently.

Has his doctor considered the sleep disorder called Narcolepsy?

At any rate, it sounds like your husband (with you along) needs to talk to the doctor again about how this is all going. Falling asleep that easily and that often is a strong indication that something's still not right - which you already know, or you wouldn't be asking about it here.

If your husband is saying he "feels better and everything", that's nice, but I'd still talk to the doctor about his continued sleepiness. But he's really not being lazy. He can't help this any more than a person with a broken leg could just make himself run normally. His treatment needs reassessing or tweaking, I do believe.

Good luck.

Procrastinator · Post by **Procrastinator** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 2:24 am

Is he using the machine regularly? If so, does his mask fit properly? Finally, you should make sure the machine is working properly. Don't despare and don't make such a drastic decision until you have all of the facts. Have him go back to the doctor and perhaps have another sleep study to try and determine what is happening. If at the end you find he is just lazy, then you can make a decision with a clear conscience.

Clownshow · Post by **Clownshow** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 5:04 am

Apnea has killed a lot of relationships - Apnea sucks all over

Maybe your hubby should go for another sleep study to see where he's at.

djv1255 · Post by **djv1255** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 8:18 am

Do some people still fall asleep during the day no matter how well their CPAP/BiPAP machine is adjusted?
Should falling asleep during the day be 100% curable?

Mathurine · Post by **Mathurine** » Mon Jan 24, 2005 9:35 am

angel3wilson wrote: My husband and I fight all the time over him dozing off all the time. I don't know if he can't help it, or does not realize that he has dozed off or if he is honestly just being lazy. He uses a c-flex machine and has since July of 2004. Things just seem to be worse for me now because he has treatment and his behavior hasn't changed. I don't want my marriage to end over this.
angel3wilson.

I am going to rant - this is my first post here. for anyone who loves a sleep apnea victim...

a few things - first let me say you are not alone with the fighting thing, but if that's all your fighting about, things are pretty good. the only reason my husband was diagnosed with apnea in the first place was because of all our fighting. we'd fight over things that made no sense, and after seeing this for a while, and knowing my husband was not the kind of man to do or say these things, I started looking for answers. I took his laundry list of health history, day to day observations and my own gut feelings and hit the net.
depression, insomnia, oversleeping, poor qaulity of sleep, mood swings, irrational thinking, negative thinking, variable sex drive, it took me 3 years of 'research' notcing things, reading things until i was sure it was sleep apnea CASUING all the other things. if a person has a suceptibility to say depression, not sleeping for more then 3 minutes in a row cause of apnea is sure to make it worse. same with tendancies towards overeating, or laziness, selfishness, anger, frustration etc....

A person with apnea is not getting their energy levels replenished during sleep so if and when they run out of energy, and are faced with having to output energy, (like say have a chat after work about the kids, or take out the garbage, or go out for a romantic dinner - or what ever) they find themselves with an epmty tank - at this point if they are not allowed to go rest they will act like a cornered animal - becuase what you are really asking of them is to give what they do not have to give. this is NOT personal, they (most likely and if not, this is a whole other conversation) love you very much, and even want very much to do what you want them to do, they even feel terrible at the thought of being a disappointment, but they have no gas, so the car dont drive iykwim.

how to cope? even after over a year of being on the machine, my husban'ds resources are still limited to a few hours of stressful activity per day, the less the better. so pick the important things, and dont pick many.
give him less to do, and he will more likey have enough energy to do the things you need the most.

don't stress him out yourself.

this one is the hardest, when you come home from a shitty day, an hour in
traffic, your feet hurt. you open the door and the house is still a mess, the kids are in front of the tv, and he is taking a nap, no groceries, no dinner, no nothing....
go have a bath.
seriously...cause if you go yell at him, and vent your stress onto him he will only be sicker for longer and what you want the most, which is energy from your lovig spouse will only take longer to come to you. wether you like it or not, if he is in that state, he has nothing to give you. it is better to wait til he is rested and energized and then have a good talk about things without you both getting stressed out.

now when i said it was hard, it really is, of all of these trials a couple has to go through, a couple where one partner has sleep apnea are challenegd ten fold. when your needs are about to explode - and he hasn't done anything for a week - its really hard...but you can find a way.
first i suggest you look in your own heart and figure out if this is what you want to do with your life. are you willing ready and able to love another as much as it will take to supoprt them through a life with apnea?
if the answer is still yes - work for it.

your only hope is that you will get to a place in your relationship where you can talk to each other honestly, and both understand what is going on and find coping methods without stressing each other out even more. that you will find a systme of give and take to help the daily grind and free yoursleves enough time to enjoy life toghether, cause that's what its really about.

and when it gets really really really hard - ask your self if the thing you are stressing about really matters more then the good health of your family.

angel3wilson · Post by **angel3wilson** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 1:39 am

angel3wilson wrote:In reply I have had him to the doctor several times and each time that we go He will lie to the doctor about how much sleep he is getting. They gave him a full face mask requlated the presure about 6 times. All with the sleep study first. I have tried giving him less to do and it is to the point that I have a broken wrist from taking out the garbage cans (the one and only thing I ask of him other than work). We have taken several talks and there still seems to be no give on his part he will do better for a while and then right back to the same old stuff.

thank you all for listening to my probles and for all the suggestions. I have 3 small children all under 5years old. I feel like I am endangering them just to go to the store because our vehicle only seats 3 people. I get angry a whole bunch when I come in from a short errand maybe 1/2 hour to whole hour and he is asleep w/ my 4 mo. old on his lap and the other two doing what ever they please. Playing in garbage, makeup throwing food all over everything and then it is like 4 hours before I get the house striaght enough to go to bed. and honestly I have been so exhausted that I have just left it till morning.angel3wilson.

rested gal · Post by **rested gal** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 3:03 am

Mathurine, what a great post.

Janelle · Post by **Janelle** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 3:18 am

It is imperative that he be honest with the Dr. Only then can they assess what changes to make to his therapy and perhaps get him started on the way to recovery.

I know from personal experience how hard it can be to just stay awake in the recliner watching TV, and I've been on CPAP about 6 weeks now. I'm not as bad as I was, however, so the improvement is gradual but noticable.

You might want to keep a sleep journal for him and hand it to the Dr. at the next visit if you go in with him. If not, fax it to the Dr.s office. Also put on there, if you know it, how many hours of the night he sleeps with the mask ON.

Clownshow · Post by **Clownshow** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:36 am

rested gal wrote:Mathurine, what a great post.

indeed

Mathurine · Post by **Mathurine** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 9:16 am

thanks very much, sorry it turned out so long...

seeing most of the posts here are from the apnea sufferers themselves, i thought it might help to hear from someone who hasn't divorced one.
we work at our life everyday though.

but while you guys are busy being effected by all of this, we partners are sitting here feeling moslty helpless to do anything to help you feel better, cept maybe leave you alone to nap...

alternating that helplessness with fighting off bouts of anger, frustration, stress, and then guilt at our own weakness of spirit, i often wish I could do everything, be everywhere, and always wear a smile on my face, never wanting things to be just a little better...to be perfectly happy with things just the way they are, no matter how messy the house is, or how bad my day was. but hey, we do our best too...

a relationship that includes sleep apnea is not for the marriage of conveience, its only for those true die hard couples that love each other enough to not kill each other...no matter what.

RubyKat · Post by **RubyKat** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:15 pm

Mathurine wrote:a relationship that includes sleep apnea is not for the marriage of conveience, its only for those true die hard couples that love each other enough to not kill each other...no matter what.

(wipes tears from eyes)
Mathurine, your husband is one of the most fortunate of men, to have a wife like you.

God bless you both.

Procrastinator · Post by **Procrastinator** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 4:21 pm

Mathurine,

Do you have a sister? Your perspective is greatly appreciated in this forum!

Peter · Post by **Peter** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 10:18 pm

OK, We hear Angel's pain, and her post has made me feel some of it as well. But I think we're loosing sight of what apnea is, and how it can be treated. Although Matherine was quite eloquant and dramatic in her post, it sounds as tho' we're saying her husband's apnea is untreatable, and she simply has to live with who her husband is at this time, for the rest of her life. At least, that's what I think I'm reading. It's imperative for her husband to get into another sleep study. Lying to the DR about how much 'sleep' he get seems ludicrous at best, because someone with apnea can only tell that they remember nothing from point 'a' to point 'b'. Someone clinically 'dead' may say the same thing. Those of us with apnea know damned well that since we thought we were unconcious for 8 hrs, that we were sleeping peacefully. Nothing could be further from the truth! If her husband goes through another sleep study, and all appears well, there may be other causes. Working in the mental health field for a while I learned that some may be hormonal, and that type of a sleep study requires monitoring of the blood levels to see what's going on. A sleep study geared towards OSA or central apneas isn't designed to test for that. Another issue is a mental disorder. I had one young grandmother who was fine when she went to bed, and awoke with paranoid delusions in the morning. Am I saying Angel's husband has a mental disorder? NO. But we need to start at the beginning, and the beginning is another sleep study, where there's no 'lying' to the DR. Then, go from there. Make sure the machine is working properly. Check the mask. Make sure there's no stone left unturned regarding OSA or centrals. Then, see if anyone in this country is doing sleep studies checking hormonal levels all night, in conjunction with a standard sleep test. Let's not just tell Angel she has to 'live with it' or divorce her husband. And, let's see if we, as the family I think we are, can somehow try to reach her husband and convince him he needs to take this seriously.

Peter

Peter · Post by **Peter** » Tue Jan 25, 2005 10:26 pm

OK, We hear Angel's pain, and her post has made me feel some of it as well. But I think we're loosing sight of what apnea is, and how it can be treated. Although Matherine was quite eloquant and dramatic in her post, it sounds as tho' we're saying her husband's apnea is untreatable, and she simply has to live with who her husband is at this time, for the rest of her life. At least, that's what I think I'm reading. It's imperative for her husband to get into another sleep study. Lying to the DR about how much 'sleep' he get seems ludicrous at best, because someone with apnea can only tell that they remember nothing from point 'a' to point 'b'. Someone clinically 'dead' may say the same thing. Those of us with apnea know damned well that since we thought we were unconcious for 8 hrs, that we were sleeping peacefully. Nothing could be further from the truth! If her husband goes through another sleep study, and all appears well, there may be other causes. Working in the mental health field for a while I learned that some may be hormonal, and that type of a sleep study requires monitoring of the blood levels to see what's going on. A sleep study geared towards OSA or central apneas isn't designed to test for that. Another issue is a mental disorder. I had one young grandmother who was fine when she went to bed, and awoke with paranoid delusions in the morning. Am I saying Angel's husband has a mental disorder? NO. But we need to start at the beginning, and the beginning is another sleep study, where there's no 'lying' to the DR. Then, go from there. Make sure the machine is working properly. Check the mask. Make sure there's no stone left unturned regarding OSA or centrals. Then, see if anyone in this country is doing sleep studies checking hormonal levels all night, in conjunction with a standard sleep test. Let's not just tell Angel she has to 'live with it' or divorce her husband. And, let's see if we, as the family I think we are, can somehow try to reach her husband and convince him he needs to take this seriously.

Peter

Help me my husbands sleep apnea is ruining our marriage

Help me my husbands sleep apnea is ruining our marriage

Re: Help me my husbands sleep apnea is ruining our marriage