Spouse is hating the CPAP

[newhosehead]

[quote="boognish"]Well, it's been less than a week and my wife told me today that she's sick and tired of hearing about the CPAP machine.quote]

I wanted to focus on this part of your post because I have a question. Is your wife sick of the fact that you are ON cpap or is she sick of hearing you TALK about it? I only ask because of my own experience. In the beginning, my husband was extremely interested. He was thrilled that maybe I could get back to being somewhat like the woman he married, rather than the exhausted, depressed, b**** I had gradually become. I liked that idea myself. And, most of the time, after over a year on the hose, I know that there has indeed been substantial improvement. Not as much as I would like, but improvement nonetheless. However, I did certainly notice that, as time passed and I learned more on this forum, my hubby's eyes started to glaze over when I tried to talk to him about it, or after a bad night with the mask or whatever. God knows there are enough issues with masks, leaks, machines,etc some nights to give one plenty to talk about.

One particular "attempt to share" on my part was met with him changing the subject and basically saying he was tired of hearing about it. I had suspected as much (it was the glazed eyes that gave it away ) I responded by letting him know in no uncertain terms that this treatment was now part of OUR lives and if he did not want to hear about it, he could expect a substantial decrease in interest on my part whenever he wanted to talk about something important to HIM. Those are probably not my exact words and I am rather sure it would be a condensed version. However, I consider myself a rather skilled communicator (it is a huge part of what I do for a liiving) and it seems to have done the trick.

Disclaimer: I am confident others will offer more mature advice

Jeanette


edit: I had not read your last post before submitting this, so perhaps this does not apply at all. Sorry!

[Wulfman]

Maybe a very frank conversation with her would help. There is tons of information on the Internet about the effects of untreated sleep apnea on our systems. In view of your past history and the past history in your family, you should explain to her that you NEED this therapy.......and her understanding through your adaptation period would be greatly appreciated.

I think there are many here who experience what you're going through in varying degrees. As has been mentioned, if you can't open up and talk to her about it, you can always express your thoughts on the forum.


Den

[chunkyfrog]

It will get better----really,
Try not to get all up in her face too much; but quietly do what you have to do--stay with the machine.
We are here in the forum if you need to talk--she is probably burned out.
I know when I gave my husband a little slack; he not only came around; but has his own machine now.
We always compare our numbers in the morning--kind of a gentle competition.

[Beachmeezer]

My spouse was so happy when I got a CPAP machine I could talk about it nonstop and he'd not care. No more snoring to keep him awake. - Kim

[DreamDiver]

Slept in the spare room, without the machine last night. Tonight I guess I'll just have to move everything over to the spare room with me. Didn't think I'd be sleeping in separate beds at 38 years old

Oh well, I gotta get a handle on my health issues or I'm going to be a bundle of stress. Thanks for those links to the other threads; I'll look through them when I get a chance.

Boognish,

The 'elephant-in-the-bedroom' could be that you have been sleeping with your spouse for years and suddenly find yourselves moving to separate bedrooms. If you have some sense of shame, guilt, regret or fear -- any negative emotion about sleeping in separate bedrooms -- it may be best to at least be frank with yourself about your current feelings and your motivations for moving into the spare bedroom on a more permanent basis. Until someone finds a cure for sleep apnea, you need restorative sleep that only this machine will provide. The only way to do that is use the machine every night. This does not mean you cannot have a world of fun before sleep time or upon waking for more 'recreational' mattress surfing. It may help to frankly and openly discuss this with your wife. Make a 'date' night, if that will help. You'll be 'you' again during the day if you can get the sleep you need at night. If moving into the next bedroom makes that work, so be it.

Sleep-Disordered Breathing (SDB) is more like diabetes than it is like a fad diet. You have to be rigorous in your treatment. It doesn't work if you only do it once in a while or 'when you feel low'. It must be used every night. Ideally, it should even be used for naps, if you take any. If you were very near-sighted, you would never drive without your glasses. Don't sleep without your machine. That's the policy.

Sometimes, it's the spouse who is afraid of the equipment. If there is a sense of fear of the machine or the mask on the part of your wife, it's best if she can be honest with you about that too. Acknowledgement is the first step in conquering fear. (This is not to say that she is afraid. She may just really not be able to deal with the noise of the machine, so don't expect fear if you don't see it. Just ask her to be honest with you about it, if she is. 'In sickness and in health', eh?)

You will not be the first or the last married person on this forum in sleeping alone due to CPAP therapy. Leave behind the regrets and other negative emotions. It's entirely possible she may find herself realizing she'd rather hear the machine keeping your breathing at a steady pace than hear long pauses and gasps without the mask.

Incidentally, the sciatica may have its roots in your sleep apnea, in that your body has not been getting the restorative sleep it needs to repair bodily tissues -- like nerves, etc. You may find that as you get more restorative sleep, your body will have a better chance at fixing what's ailing. It may be that if you had started using the machine much earlier, you might not have developed sciatica in the first place. (I'm not a doctor, but many health problems seem to spawn from untreated apnea: GERD, diabetes, heart conditions, nerve conditions, stroke -- the list is quite long.)

Good luck and know that you are not alone in this. So-to-speak...

[DoriC]

It is comforting to me to hear the steady sounds of my husband breathing with no more snores, silence, and then gasps as before cpap. We had to sleep separately at first in order for me to get some sleep during the stressful adjustment period but our goal was to return to our usual sleeping arrangement which we did after about 6months. But after awhile we agreed that we both slept better in separate rooms across the small hall from each other. Our marriage is still very strong with a few small changes in our daily routine. Making cpap therapy work is your first priority right now and hopefully your wife will not add any more stress to the situation. She'll be happy she cooperated when she sees the improvement in your quality of life.

[lars4life]

.

[napstress]

Didn't think I'd be sleeping in separate beds at 38 years old

I booted my boyfriend when I was around your age (8 years ago). But it does make "visits" to each others' bedrooms that much more special!

[70sSanO]

Well, it's been less than a week and my wife told me today that she's sick and tired of hearing about the CPAP machine. I didn't even think that I'd been talking about it much, but apparently too much for her.

I've only recently joined the forum, but I have been on CPAP for 10 years.

If your wife is tired of your machine that is one thing, but if she is tired of your talking that is something to control. Let me tell you a story...

I just went from an old S6 with UMFF to an S9 with a Quattro FX. Although my wife had occasionally complained about the machine noise and leaks of my old setup, she just loves the silence of the S9 and FX.

But what she doesn’t love is my obsessing over the data. She doesn't know if I was better off with the old machine, even though I know she wants the best therapy for me. But after 3 weeks she is getting a little tired of the numbers and how I react to them and I don’t blame her.

I had a sleep study 10 years ago and had a 10cm pressure for all those years. I was dumb, fat, and happy, although that order may vary; although for the past 6 months I was a little more tired than usual. But now I have a machine that tells me if I slept well or not and how good my day is going to be? In many ways it can be more of a curse than a blessing. So I have backed off talking the numbers and getting down if they are not what I want.

We all want to have an AHI of .1 and get up super refreshed and run out the patio door jump into ice cold water and swim 50 laps. But for me the reality is I'm not sure I'm even going to reach some magic AHI number. I'm going continue to work on pressure and try different bed pillows to get the best results. I know that I’m better off with the CPAP no matter what the numbers show than without it.

My advice, back off on the talking and don’t let the numbers dictate your life. It is so easy to get sucked into the data. If you start off your day with your wife with my AHI is X, instead of I love you, how can she not be tired of the CPAP?

You are better off with CPAP than without, just hang in there because using your machine is playing the cards you are dealt, not using the machine is letting the cards play you.

John

[boognish]

Thanks, it was definitely the talking that she was getting sick of. I was probably too excited about suddenly feeling empowered to take on my sleeping issues, and probably talked about it non-stop. She has told me several times now that the machine doesn't bother her at all; she just didn't want to hear me obsessing about it, or cruising this message board to find out info on it.

I'm sure glad this place exists though, so I have someone to talk about these issues with and to try and get the most from my machine and my treatment.

[SleepingUgly]

Why doesn't she want you cruising this board looking for information about it? Does she feel the time you're spending here is taking time away from her or things she wants you to do?

Tell her she's lucky you're not like me--I not only want to talk about it and look for info, I want HIM to do the same! So far I haven't had much luck on that front...

[boognish]

Why doesn't she want you cruising this board looking for information about it? Does she feel the time you're spending here is taking time away from her or things she wants you to do?

Tell her she's lucky you're not like me--I not only want to talk about it and look for info, I want HIM to do the same! So far I haven't had much luck on that front...

You'd have to ask her that question for yourself. I'm sure those first couple of days just seemed like everything was revolving around the CPAP machine, and she wasn't ready for it. I've been controlling myself though. I bit my tongue this morning when I wanted to show her last night's data and how well I seemed to sleep. Probably enough to just let her know that it's starting to have the desired effects.

[napstress]

We all want to have an AHI of .1 and get up super refreshed and run out the patio door jump into ice cold water and swim 50 laps.

Speak for yourself in those last two activities, sweet pea.

Seriously, I appreciate your point.

[muddyhounddog]

I'm in the same boat where my wife hates the noise of the CPAP. I have a Resmed that's about 6 years old and is kindof loud I guess. Doesn't bother me, but it does here BIG TIME. It doesn't wake her up but once she wakes up in the middle of the night she can't go back to sleep. Needless to say I get the repercussions.

I don't know what to do. Our bedroom has become a battle ground. I stay up until I'm really tired so I can fall asleep with the machine on. It is way quieter than snoring. I honestly think she has some form of insomnia where she can get to sleep but doesn't stay asleep. She won't go to the doctor to have it checked out. I have done separate bedrooms thing some. She doesn't want that either for some unknown reason as we don't have any other reason to be in bed besides sleep these days (her choice).

I'm frustrated. I think I'm going to make an appointment with my sleep people and go in and talk to them. I think I need a newer machine, but I don't think my insurance will cover it as my sleep therapist told me a couple of years ago they wouldn't buy it unless mine broke. I'm getting noise from the mask AND the machine. More from the machine I think.

[DavidCarolina]

Im really sorry to hear about your ongoing challenges, and YES, your questions are appropriate. What could be more natural than the hassles and tensions in marriage that are caused by illnesses? And make no mistake, sleep apnea is an ILLNESS that threatens our health.

More frequently than is known or talked about, many of us actually struggle with ANOTHER health problem in addition to apnea which complicates things triple-fold. For me, its a gastro intestinal auto-immune problem caused by intestinal permeability that also causes breathing problems and extreme agitation that affects every area of my life---and not just at night. Its a 24 hour a day battle.

Perhaps this is the real answer to your question. Is your wife were aware of how incredibly daunting it is in life to struggle in the area of sleep: its not just dozing off that causes problems, its also the respiration and agitation problems that go with it. Its an incredible psychological drain on top of everything else in life.

Maybe it falls on deaf ears, but spouses need to be reminded, without preaching, what youre REALLY going through every night. This isnt a "sleep aid". This is a life-saving intervention that most of us are doing. Most of us only got dianosed, from what I can tell, DESPITE the medical community's help, and not BECAUSE of it, which was a long bitter, and EXPENSIVE battle for me in particular.

Fortunately my wife understands SLIGHTLY better than the average person because she's had migraines her whole life, and she has some idea of how all-consuming these conditions can be, and how important medications are in order to "function". I use Klonopin on a daily basis. Its an old, but miracle drug in my case that soothes my central nervous system from the shocks it gets from these two conditions.

In the end, just sincerely EXPLAINING how you feel, and how hard all this makes your life sometimes on top of the stress of everyday living might help out. Also, if you can bring her into the forum, I, along with others here with more experience, can try to explain to her what a life-long battle this is, and that all of us here are soldiering on through no choice of our own to make our lives better with this technology, and the lives of our loved ones too.

There are constant adjustments, learning periods, and frustrations that go with it no different than people with heart disease have to constantly work at getting better through any means possible. If you ever need a personal support system, put me on your list, I'll help any way I can.