Taking care of a man after surgery

[Stormynights]

My husband has been fighting Melanoma for over a year. His last surgery was to remove the lymph nodes from his left leg and groin area. He left the hospital with a drain tube that was removed after a week. Now he has a lot of problems with swelling in the groin and in his family jewels. They have drained the swelling in his groin area twice. He is hyper and will not take it easy. I am on him constantly about this. He is a very picky eater and only wants to eat junk foods. Now he is too helpless to get a pill out of a bottle by himself and a glass of water. He comes in the house and goes to bed so I can bring him his dinner after spending all day sitting in the yard doing things he shouldn't be doing. I just can't understand men at all. I am happy to have him to take care of don't get me wrong. I love him dearly and dont want to face life without him. I just can't wrap my head around WHY he is doing too much then wanting to be waited on hand and foot when it isn't necessary. I hope a man will chime in and explain this to me.

[Julie]

You need to talk to his doctor and he needs to refer him to a psychologist dealing with postsurgical ca. and/or a group. Your husband's problems are probably complex and you probably won't be able to fix them yourself. Don't forget the nature (location) of his ca. and how conflicted he may be about many issues now, apart from whether or not he will survive, etc. etc.

[SewTired]

I agree with Julie. In addition, let him eat junk foods provided he eats 2 healthy meals daily. It's a pick your battles thing. Stop waiting on him hand and foot. If he can get himself up off the bed and walk, then he can do stuff for himself. Tell him he is not helpless. Tell him if he wants attention or to talk, that's fine, but he needs to do as much as he can for himself for his own sake.

[JDS74]

Different folks react differently to the diagnosis and treatment of cancer. He is undergoing a very stressful time and it will be a while before he gets back to more normal behavior. In my case, my reaction to the diagnosis was to go to mental war against the disease and to do everything that even seemed remotely likely to increase my survival.

In his case, he likely is worried about his manhood in the future. Many men react badly to that perceived threat. Only time and progress in recovery will make that abate. Just be supportive and don't fixate on that issue.

A chat with his doctor about lowering his stress level might yield some results that are beneficial. There are meds he could take on a temporary basis to help with that. Ask the doctor to refer the both of you to a dietician so that the subject of a proper diet could be discussed by someone other than you. It is important to keep this situation from becoming confrontational between the two of you. Extra stress won't help either of you and will make your apnea situation worse.

There are cancer support groups that he could go to. The hospital can give a recommendation for your area. They allow patients to ventilate about their concerns and get comments from others similarly situated. If he can get comfortable talking about it with such a group, that will help. I was in a cancer support group and one of the members, a man, spent a lot of the first year ventilating about his feelings and how could this have happened to him. He is now in good shape and a help to others in the group. If he goes, and does similar things, remember, what happens in the group stays in the group and isn't a very good subject to bring up afterwards.

[chunkyfrog]

Sounds like depression. If you haven't tried affection, it's worth a shot.
It worked on my mother in law.

[Stormynights]

These are very good suggestions. I never considered that he might be depressed. I consider myself to be very supportive but I have health issues that prevent me from being able to do more. It takes me a long time to get things done. I am not helpless I am just very slow. I guess I just need to be more patient. As far as the junk food goes he won't eat anything healthy. we have discussed his diet with the doctor many times. None of my children were picky eaters so I don't know how to deal with it.

[postitnote]

These are very good suggestions. I never considered that he might be depressed. I consider myself to be very supportive but I have health issues that prevent me from being able to do more. It takes me a long time to get things done. I am not helpless I am just very slow. I guess I just need to be more patient. As far as the junk food goes he won't eat anything healthy. we have discussed his diet with the doctor many times. None of my children were picky eaters so I don't know how to deal with it.

I sneak healthy foods into my families meals all the time! Make a homemade spaghetti sauce and throw in finely chopped veggies. Make a cottage cheese dip with veggies in it and if he will only eat chips buy the baked ones. My grands will eat raw veggies as long as they get dip. Oatmeal cookies with either carrots or zucchini mixed in. Cut down on the oil in a baking recipe by using half applesauce. You can usually cut the sugar a recipe calls for too or sub erythritol for the sugar.

That's a lot of stuff going on in your hubs life right now! He might need the comfort feeling like a little boy needs him mom I think we all need that at times.

[kteague]

You're in a difficult place, figuring out how to navigate these waters. Having limitations of your own makes it even harder. Something to consider about him being post surgical and doing more than he should then shutting down sounds like he may reach a tipping point. I do that and I'm not post surgical. I'll think I'm ok to start a task, but suddenly I'll find myself totally depleted and unable to do one more thing. I can be in the middle of cooking and have to tell my daughter to take over while I collapse on a chair. If I try to push beyond that moment, it feels life threatening, like if I used one more iota of energy I could pass out. It comes over me with little warning. One minute I'm fine, the next I'm nearly helpless. Maybe that is happening to him. Ask your hubby to help you understand what he's feeling. As far as his eating goes, people like what they like. All you can do is try to give him the few healthy options he does like in hopes he'll fill up and not desire as much of the junk. Is he willing to supplement his nutrition with healthy shakes, smoothies or drinks? Sorry to hear you two are going through this. Hang in there, and try to take care of yourself while you're taking care of him.

[Stormynights]

I am so grateful to have him to care for. I need to spend more time counting my blessings.

[Sheriff Buford]

Can't help you.... Now... go get me a beer!

Sheriff

[Stormynights]

I don't drink! Maybe I should start.

[palerider]

I don't drink! Maybe I should start.

there's something to be said for that... in moderation

[Gasper62]

http://growahealthychurch.com/wp-conten ... age001.jpg


^^Might just be the ailment that's common in a lot of men......stubbornness.^^ Best wishes for both of you !

[archangle]

You need to talk to his doctor and he needs to refer him to a psychologist dealing with postsurgical ca. and/or a group. Your husband's problems are probably complex and you probably won't be able to fix them yourself. Don't forget the nature (location) of his ca. and how conflicted he may be about many issues now, apart from whether or not he will survive, etc. etc.

Be very careful about trying to force him to get "help." That can really kill your relationship, even if he "needs" it. Also be careful about getting him into "the system." I know for me, that if someone tried to "force" something like that on me, it would destroy any trust and maybe love that I had for them. They would immediately be on my enemies list, or at least on the "crazy, untrustworthy friend you never discuss problems with" list.

Be supportive, but don't push too hard, and be very careful about how you push.

"Help" may be a good thing, but not if you just make him mad and become the enemy to him.

As for junk food, maybe you can get a better quality of junk. For instance, I love baby carrots and some fruit. Also, you don't have to go for trendy organic sticks and weeds. I often eat lean sliced sandwich ham as a snack. Bananas can be a good, easy, snack. Cheese, either as a snack, or added to something may be good. For a lot of people, carbs are the problem. A lot of the things we used to think were bad turned out not to be so evil. For instance, eggs are now not regarded to be pure evil like there were in the past.

Also, be careful about phony "health" food like most yogurt. Much of the "yogurt" sold in stores is loaded with added sugar and processed to remove the healthy bacteria.

[Julie]

If you have a problem with getting 'help', I don't think this is the place to tell someone about it and discourage them from trying to find it... read the note by JDS74, it was excellent and professional help should be what's encouraged, if not ultimately accepted. I really felt the poster had a problem understanding what was going on with her husband and needed some informed support... the note sounded like it was all about her, and she'd made her husband, the patient, her problem. Bad advice (and surprising coming from you Aa).