Wife won't sleep with me

[echo]

Sharon & needsdecaf and the others - you are all right, but in soft_guy's case, it sounds like the main problem is lack of communication. His wife does not say "I want to sleep alone because I sleep better like that", rather she puts conditions and renegs, and refuses to discuss it. THAT is a problem. People can always agree to disagree, but they need to discuss it first!

So I think soft_guy has several options: forget about it, keep using the CPAP, and hope she'll turn around or start communiciating... or if he has enough energy, he keeps using the CPAP but tries to help wife open up. Whether the issues are deeper or not, there is still the issue that soft_guy wants to solve the issue by changing masks, making things quieter, etc. regardless of whether the wife is or isn't very supportive.

Notice he did not ask us for help on his marital issues but we here love to give advice and/or our 2cents worth anyway

[Babette]

Notice he did not ask us for help on his marital issues but we here love to give advice and/or our 2cents worth anyway

Well, I disagree with that. When he says "My wife won't sleep with me, what do I do?" Sounds like he wants advice to me.

And the problem of his wife not sleeping with him IS a marital issue.

I agree that openess does seem to be an issue here. I say this because I'm currently really evaluating a couple of relationships in my life where people are steadfastly refusing to be open and communicate with me. And I'm pretty much deciding that life is too short to wait for them to "un-clam" and tell me what's in their heads and hearts.

I also disagree with the poster who said "there are other fish in the sea." That attitude is why so many people my age are single. The least little difficulty, and we're throwing in the towel and looking for someone else.

The plain fact is, out of 1.5 million people in my city, I've found ZERO that I feel are compatible with me. So, what do I care that there are other fish in the sea? How does that solve anything for me? Or anyone else, for that matter?

And, in our community-property law country, the plain fact is that this gentleman is going to suffer financially from "trading in" his spouse. No one really comes out ahead in a divorce. And when there are kids and property involved, it just gets worse, not only financially but emotionally. My father just went through a very painful 6 year divorce. The fact that the kids are grown and gone didn't make one wit of difference. That man will never be able to retire now, because she's taken 1/2 of everything, including 1/2 his retirement, and he's still paying off an outrageous mortgage, college educations for the children, etc. etc. He's pushing 70. When does he get to kick back? Never.

So. Would I advocate leaving her? No. Would I advocate attempting to get her into couple's counseling about the matter? Yes. Would I also advocate he look long and hard at his need to SLEEP with her vs. how much INTIMACY and SEX he's offering/receiving from her? You betchya!

Sleeping in the same bedroom does not make for instant intimacy and great sex. I know. I've been there, and done that. I got real tired of sleeping next to a stranger.

Forcing someone who has made it clear she wants her own bed space to sleep with you isn't going to make that better.

But if she's not willing to talk, negotiate and compromise, you need to look very long and hard at the ramifications of taking the next step.

Start by offering your own compromises and ultimatums. All life is a negotiation. Maybe you two just need to learn to negotiate better.

And contemplate learning to snuggle and make love earlier than bed time.

Cheers,
Babs

[bigk]

Just FYI, while a GREAT mask, the Swift LT blows air straight out in front - I can't believe it!!

Try a Resmed Activa - it blows air UP.

The new Resmeds are very quiet.

[mymontreal]

Ok Babette I'll bite... "BRING BACK THE BUNDLING BOARD..." - pray do tell, "BUNDLING BOARD..." ??

[bigk]

I recommend a King size bed. Sleeping separately is step 1 of divorce.

[Blackneto]

Okay girls,
Thanks for letting me know my wife isn't a psycho, at least in this regard...

I work nights. and she's said for years the only time she has problems sleeping is when I'm there.
Although that now I'm tethered to the hose I don't move so much she says.
Evidently i'm one for the touching, rubbing and chasing across the bed all night. We have a King size bed but you wouldn't know it in the morning.

as for that nasalaire II, it is noisy. too bad is was comfortable. I would like to use it. but the exhaust ports make so much noise.
My wife did remark that it was noisier but not much.

[tuna]

Pam, I'm with you on this.

I'm now making it clear from the get go with anyone new in my life that I don't plan to share my bed with them. If that's unacceptable, so be it.

.

You know I am probally the only male in the would ( atleast around here!) that will agree with you on that. I get slammed all the time because me and my GF have not been to bed together and we been dating for 7 months now. But when it happens it will be worth it because of the wait! Just me 2 cents!

[CU@X]

I'm not a marriage counsellor, nor do I play one on TV, but it sounds like the CPAP is being used as an excuse.

You can try a box to place over the machine made from sound-deadening material like Celotex(tm). It can be cut with a knife and held together with (you guessed it!) duct tape.

I have a Res-Med Vantage and my wife says it makes a very pleasing white-noise that's modulated by my breathing. We normally sleep under a ceiling fan, so the exhaust from the mask is not a problem -- providing I sleep on my "opposite" side during the colder Winter months!

Good luck in finding a solution!

[Babette]

Pam, I'm with you on this.

I'm now making it clear from the get go with anyone new in my life that I don't plan to share my bed with them. If that's unacceptable, so be it.

.

You know I am probally the only male in the would ( atleast around here!) that will agree with you on that. I get slammed all the time because me and my GF have not been to bed together and we been dating for 7 months now. But when it happens it will be worth it because of the wait! Just me 2 cents!

Just to clarify what I mean - I don't intend to SLEEP IN THE SAME BED with a partner. I do intend to have sex. I don't use "sleep" as a euphemism when I mean SEX.

Cheers,
B.

[OldLincoln]

I may regret this, but...

I believe it depends on the couple and there's no right or wrong for the purely 'sleeping' issue. If something else is in play it needs to be addressed. The first 20 years of our marriage we could not imagine ever not sleeping together. Then when illness entered our lives it was prudent to not share the flu or keep the other awake with tossing about. Now the 20 has become 42 and often one or the other of us is not fit to sleep with for some reason. Surely God will bless her as she insists on being the one to move regardless of which is the issue. Having said that, I believe it is crucial to get the air cleared.

I also believe one does not "owe" the other anything. For the longest time I even found work arounds to calling my wife "my" wife because I am blessed to have her choose me and I don't 'own' her like a possession. The other day I told her I was glad she was my wife and she smiled and asked what made me change my mind. I'm thinking huh? then caught on. I told her she will always be free as a hummingbird but convention finally got the best of me.

I'm quite loony I suppose, but I prefer to believe she wakes each day and chooses to stay with me over feeling as if she has too. Same with intimacy. Our agreement is we don't put moves on the other unless we really want them, and the other can refuse without explanation (although one always comes). That came about when I thought she was 'taking care of my needs' in that regard. That was the worse turnoff I can imagine so we talked it out and came to our understanding years ago.

So, sleeping apart is a problem only when you don't talk about it. She may be concerned you will stop treatment if she tells you it's the machine, yet can't stand the sounds and blowing. I understand that. At first it reminded me of the machines that kept my wife alive with her first nearly fatal illness decades ago. Bringing that back was painful but after thinking it through, that's what saved her life so I turned it into a positive thing. Now it lulls me to sleep.

I put the machine on the floor and use a longer hose. My mask does the air thing so I try to be careful where it points. We get too hot actually spooning but reach for each others hand in our sleep and hold hands a good part of the night. We mitigate whatever comes between us as best we can. It's simply a matter of respect which is to us crucial to our marriage.

So now you know more you wanted but I've been so terribly in love with this woman I married for so long I wanted to show a side that hadn't been discussed in this thread. It's not about me, it's not about you, it's about us.

[Snoredog]

...and just when you think you have this all figured out on sleeping arraignments, you have snoring under control you get a dog, he comes into the room ....and guess what?

[marshaeb]

Tuna, good for you. Stick to your guns. Whether or not anyone chooses to recognize it as such, right is right. You're right.

Old Lincoln, if you and I are still around when they perfect cloning, would you get in line for me? I know all of that was from your heart, and the tears are dripping from my chin. Your wife is as blessed as you are.

Marsha

[CarrieS]

The NAII was the only thing that didnt leak on me too, I tried on like 15 masks and none fit well. With baby on the way I wanted something that didnt shoot air at her while nursing in bed. The group told me to try the Headrest which shoots air up. Its fabulous and Ive been using it for 2 months and love it. I strongly suggest it.

As far as your wife goes - maybe get a king size bed if shes just got accustomed to her own space. Marriage is a compromise and I hope shes trying to solve the problem or at least communicating her true desires, because if not and she really just doesnt want to share a bed you will just keep jumping through hoops to get nowhere. Make sure before you make any further efforts that she wants you to vs. her really just not wanting to sleep beside someone. Just my advice.

[Babette]

My late husband and I had a king sized bed 23 years ago. He slept hot, I slept cold. We each had our own blankies. We'd spoon a little before sleep, then I'd scoot way over to my side and he'd go to his side.

Somewhere in the night, we'd often meet in the middle. I'd feel a bump, or he'd feel a bump and we'd reach out in our half-sleep to find the other's bum. We'd snuggle back a bit until just our bums touched. That was our equivalent of holding hands.

He worked earlier than I did. He'd get up, get showered and dressed and then come back to bed in his boots, no less, to wait for his carpool. We'd snuggle and talk about whatever until his ride came. That was the best part of the day for me.

Beautiful post OldLincoln! You should print it out and tuck it into your wife's purse for her to find someday.

Cheers,
B.

[Wulfman]

I've been wondering if the original poster (OP) is reading this or not.......two pages of thoughts later and he still has only ONE post.

Good communication is usually a two-way street.

Hellooooooo.......

Den