Blowing Up The Bird Part II

[mikemoran]

Well there I was testing out my CPAP Convection Oven conversion. Had my kangaroo heated hoses hooked up and was just about to try out the humidifier/autobaster when I got a frantic call from my neighbor to turn on the news. So I dropped everything and there he was talking to the reporters telling them how someone had broken into his yard and stole his pet chickens Tuesday, Sunday and Monday as well as a turkey named Breezy.

That was shocking enough but then the coverage switched to a press conference where a PETA representative was parading the birds in front of the reporters. Supposedly they had gotten a hot tip about poultry abuse in the suburbs and decided that action needed to be taken. There was Breezy in all his chesty glory sporting his CPAP mask and the full hookup. The PETA guy was pointing out the contraption saying how inhumane it was to treat an animal this way. “Strapping a mask to any living thing and pumping it full of air should be punishable by the death penalty.”

While I was still pondering why PETA wanted to save animals but kill humans I heard my doorbell ring. There were the reporters shoving microphones in my face and hitting me with a barrage of questions. “Was it true I had a sado-masochistic bird fetish?” “How was able to get such abnormal breast development?” “Was I planning on stuffing Breezy with cornbread or oyster stuffing?” “What was in your twisted mind when you created that torture device?”

With visions of being strapped into a not so therapeutic device I slammed the door and held an emergency family meeting. Just from the smirk on my wife’s face I could tell she was the one that ratted Breezy out to PETA. She kept going on about his noble heritage and her plans for entering him into poultry competitions as a show bird. How dare I think about serving a family member up for dinner? All of a sudden, a few thousand volts from “Old Sparky” almost seemed like a viable alternative.

I wasn’t completely suicidal, so I failed to mention to her that Breezy as a main course was her big idea. I also thought it prudent not to mention how this was really Breezy 2, a local mutt turkey who replaced his over titrated predecessor. As luck would have it I had low AHIs the night before and my creativity was in over drive. So I locked myself away and worked on my own statement for the press.

First I threw my old neighbor under the bus by telling the reporters that our family pet had been stolen and was just about to call the police when I saw the news. I then went on to talk about the inbreeding rampant among pedigreed turkeys and that it was clear Breezy was suffering from Obstructive Sleep Apnea when we adopted him. The only humane thing to do was to put him on the same life saving therapy that I was utilizing. I tearfully begged for the return of our precious family pet.

With their legs cut out from under them PETA started grasping at straws. They went on about how I was not qualified to titrate CPAPs and how I was improperly administering therapy. The DME they brought in stated that I had set the pressure way too low and that the poor bird was still suffering from de-saturation. All my problems were solved when PETA recreated my Nightmare at the Macys Thanksgiving Day Parade on live television.

We will miss poor Breezy as we eat our Chinese food this Thanksgiving, but he has given us so much more to be thankful for. The million dollar lawsuit against PETA is proceeding and Purdue is in talks with me about patenting our new Breast-a-lator Poultry CPAP. Not to mention not having to put up with the dog’s snoring.

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CPAPopedia Keywords Contained In This Post (Click For Definition): cpap mask, humidifier, news, CPAP, DME

[wpinef]

WONDERFUL

[SLEEPYCD]

YOU'VE OUTDONE YOURSELF WITH THIS ONE!!!! LOVED IT, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
CD

[SLEEPYCD]

Silly Man Moran,
When I sit down to eat turkey (Breezy) on Thanksgiving, I will be laughing thinking about your stories. I already laugh everytime I go to Lowe's and see the Inflatable Snowman Globe!!!! Your stories stay with me, I am thankfor your vivid imagination/creativity!!!
CD

[ozij]

O.

[Guest]

Mike, Severeena here. I about fell out of the chair at the computer laughing so hard.

I cannot wait for the tale of Santa when you start working on Christmas.

Seems the forum wants to have me sign in and when I post it will not take my username and password.

If I am guested, it is Severeena here.

Sharon

[kikisue]

Absolutely hilarious!!

Thanks for the laugh - I needed it today!