I hate sleep apnea.

[josh]

I hate sleep apnea.

I hate it for the way it makes me feel.

I hate it for making me tired.

I hate it for making me depressed.

I hate it for making me want to give up.

I hate it for inhibiting the things I want to do in life.

I hate it for the life changes I have had to make to try to adapt.

I hate it for giving me the capacity to hate.

I hate it for making me wonder if I love my wife.

I hate it for making me tired...and making that the "excuse".

I hate it for making excuses.

I hate it because I never know if the treatment is actually working.

I hate it for making me go through one surgery, and onto another.

I hate it because nothing else is wrong with me...and that's proven.

I hate it for not letting me cry.

I hate it for making me not want to work.

I hate it for making me sedentary.

I hate it for the fact I have something patent pending, and I'm too tired to work on it.

I hate it for making me feel aggression.

I hate it because it stops me from breathing.

I hate it because half the time I don't know what I'm doing.

I hate it because it hurts my teeth.

I hate it because I never ever feel rested.

I hate it because I cannot help with the baby at night.

I hate it because of the weird phlegm I wake up with in my mouth.

I hate it because of the complications with insurance.

I hate insurance.

I hate it because no one really "cares".

I hate it because my eyes always feel dry and heavy.

I hate it because it is so simple.

I hate it because it is making me go broke.

I hate it because no psychiatrist nor psychologist can help me.

I hate it because I know what the problem is.

I hate it because there is no medicine that will help me.

I hate it for the headaches.

I hate it for the fear of turning into my grandfather.

I hate it for changing me into someone I don't want to be.

I hate it because it limits me.

I hate it because I am a slave to it.

I hate sleep apnea.

[Julie]

Josh, what a terrible place you feel you are in! I definitely can understand how bad you feel, but I don't think you should have to feel it, and really need to get some help so you don't feel like you're all alone on a rock in a stormy ocean (well, I get carried away sometimes!). You are so angry along with being depressed (totally understandable!), and it would be such a good idea to ask your MD if he can refer you to someone who will help you express it all and try to put in some perspective. You're obviously going through an awful time with the whole apnea thing... it's hard when you're young and not used to all the physical bumps in the road that us older ones are, but it doesn't have to wreck your life this way or this bad, and it definitely won't be forever (even though you can't believe that now). You need to get back in control of it, and the way to do it is one little step at a time, so whenever you get on top of one part of it (and you will!) you'll be more encouraged to keep going onto the next one, and in time you'll just see it as one slightly bothersome thing (like others) in your life to adjust to, and not as a monster carrying you away. You need to be able to step back and take a deep breath about it all, and see it as a bag of annoyances, not as a battering ram, but it's really hard to do on your own, and there are people who can take the load off and work with you to get it tamed down. Please go the one more step (to your MD) and ask for help - it's ok to do that, and there's nothing to lose by trying. Come back and let us know that you've done it, so we can be with you as you go along.

[JCraig]

I hate it too Josh, but there is "medicine" that will help -- it's called xPAP and it's a wonder "drug"...

[DreamStalker]

Well you know you sound really depressed about OSA. If you take a look around, you will see that things are not as bad as they seem.

First of all, a lot of the things you hate are symptoms that can be eliminated with xPAP treatment … not all that much fun either but a lot more so than the OSA symptoms.

Try harder to see the bright side of things. You can see, hear, walk, and talk … very important to be able to do these things and there are lots of people who can’t. Still others have high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, obesity, and other medical issues to contend with in addition to OSA. Some don’t have insurance to complain about … you are lucky that you can call them names when they don’t provide you the service you expect. Then there are all those unfortunate children in the Middle East and in Africa that are not given the chance to grow old and be like their grandfathers … some never even have a chance to know what a grandfather is. OSA is a bummer but you CAN deal with it if you don’t place all of your dependence on others.

Try writing a poem about the positive things YOU CAN do to live with OSA and you will feel a lot better.

... and don't forget there are always the dreams to live for ...

- roberto

[Bonnie]

Hate is such a strong word. It inhibits your ability to correct all the things you hate. If you have sleep apnea, hating everything it does to you is not going to help correct the issues. I don't belive there is one person on this forum or anywhere who would actually say they love sleep apnea. I certainly understand how you feel, sleep apnea changes your life forever. But one thing you can do to help yourself is repeat over and over, "I love living" because with the treatment available, help from this forum, the support of your family you are given the option extending your life. Thats a good thing!
Trust me life with sleep apnea IS worth living once you adjust your therapy but you can't do it alone, it is overwhelming! To learn so much about something you had no interest in before you were diagnosed is like going back to school studying a subject that just doesn't have any interest in. Are you the type of person who wants to take charge? Do you need to know why things work or don't work? Do you like research? Can you afford to spend a lot of time reading on the Internet? Tools, to help you build a quality life with sleep apnea.

By posting your "dislikes" about sleep apnea you have taken the first step in letting it all out, are you ready to move on? Give us a little history about your apnea, you'll be amazed at what we can do to help you solve the many problems you're having. Talk to us, ask questions. There are a lot of caring people here who have been in the same position as you are.


You have picked the best forum to come to, guaranteed results or your money back........

[ufo13]

josh:

DITTO all the reply posts above! They have said it ALL! Run with this GREAT advice!

All the best,

Steve,
ufo13

[jum001]

Me too. I hate sleep apnea. Except I don't have a patent pending. I don't have a spouse. I am older and hurt from arthritis. I need surgery on both feet to ease that pain and am staving off surgery on my back with exercises to be done daily and I hate them too. There are unrepairable torn muscles in my left arm and right calf. My diet is limited by gout. I can't drink any alcohol or eat any legumes so I can't have peanut butter ever again. My home isn't paid for and never will be so I will have a mortgage forever.

Just wanted to lend some perspective. I actually have a very good life and am thoroughly enjoying retirement. I believe we are living in the best place in history and geography there ever has been or ever will be in terms of individual comfort and lifestyle choices.

[krousseau]

Yes OSA doesn't care a bit if I am young or old, have a great family and friends.
Sleepy, tired, angry, or depressed-OSA doesn't care.
Insurance problems-OSA doesn't care.
Patent pending-OSA doesn't care.
Life more complicated-OSA doesn't care.
Don't feel like getting up and doing my work-OSA doesn't care.
As for the decision to love or hate-that is my choice.
Limit me-I have done that and I still do that to myself.
Slave to it??-I control the settings of my APAP, I put on the mask each night, I turn on the machine-and then I let the machine do it's work for 7-8 hr.
Makes excuses-NOT! Gives me an excuse-you bet-when I need an excuse for my foul mood, not wanting to do something, fail at something; There is always that handy excuse that I have sleep apnea. Didn't sleep well last night, mask slipped all night, whatever---trouble is in my mind I know I'm the one behind the wheel. Life is going to go where I steer it. There are going to be bumps in the road, obstacles to get around, detours, and sometimes getting lost. Then it is time to recheck my map. My destination is where I want to go in life-not where I think OSA or anything else is taking me.
You have lost your map-or thought you didn't need one to get through life. You are blaming everything on OSA. You said "no psychiatrist nor psychologist can help me". I won't quibble over the wording of that statement. What was the goal in seeing them? If it was for them to fix you-go back-see a therapist (not necessarily a psychiatrist) with the goal of fixing yourself/your life. Cost an issue-look into community mental health. Groups can be good if they call us on our stuff. Spiritual practice can help with finding a map for some people. Community colleges may have life coaching courses. Couples counseling if you are having family problems.
Forget you have OSA until it is time to sleep or unless you are dealing directly and actively with an actual OSA treament problem like getting a well fitting mask. If you can't forget-pretend-it is a trick on the mind.

[Wulfman]

Josh,

When I first read your post earlier this morning, I wasn't exactly sure how to take it. Were you serious or was it a tongue-in-cheek poke at everything bad that OSA has done to most of us?

I was contemplating taking your list and re-wording it to "The things I LOVE about my CPAP therapy"......and then switching the wording for most of the same things you had listed and how the therapy has helped me.

None of us LOVE apnea and what it's done to our health and lives, but finding out that we have it is the first step to turning our health and lives around. Think about all of the undiagnosed people out there who are still miserable and their health is getting worse by the day.

Never give up!

Den

[Goofproof]

Don't hold back, tell us how you really feel! Jim

[inacpapfog]

I never claimed to LOVE sleep apnea, but xpap compliance sure enables me to live with it!
(And the key word here is LIVE! )

[kteague]

Josh,
Been reading your posts from time to time, and know this journey has been particularly hard for you due to what you described as a pinhole sized airway. I hope the surgery you've had thusfar has at least helped, and that any future planned surgeries move you toward your goals. In the meantime, what a loss you suffer to forego enjoying life today, hinging happiness on a desired state of being. When you've done everything within your power and utilized all resources available to better how you feel, what you are left with is what you have to figure out how to have a good life in spite of. How you live it is your choice - depends on what you want out of it. Sleep apnea has robbed you of much, but don't give over to it any more than it can force from you. Put your boxing gloves back on and fight to get your life back. Don't have the strength? That's what the medical professionals, friends and family are for. Fully utilize your resources, Josh. Draw people who care to you rather than push them away then say there is no one. True, they might not understand exactly what you're going thru, but that doesn't diminish the value of them caring that you are going thru something. Life doesn't have to be easy or pleasant to be good. Just a life philosophy - works for me and pulls me out of the pits time and time again. Gotta enjoy what we've got - it may turn out to be all we get. Life's awastin' - get on with it.
Kathy

[arthuranxious]

I know about it, Josh, and this is my take.....

I was first informed that I probably had sleep apnea, in mid July, had a sleep study a week later, got the results 10 days after that and have had some days when i felt a bit of Josh's hate and anger. But not nearly as severe, and though I am still bothered I am doing better already.
Because I am thankful too, thankful that I am less likely to be one of those unusual cases of the man with no cardiac history who died in bed one night. Thankful that some of my questioning "What happened to the old me, so much more cheerful and more productive?" may go away once I am on a good CPAP machine. Thankful that I may worry less about developing high blood pressure, and the list goes on. I don't expect adapting to the need for this beautiful piece of equipment to be easy, but I have reason to be hopeful. And who knows it might send me to a better health regimen in which I lose weight and get stronger and eventually not even need the CPAP anymore, although I am not counting on that. But Josh is hurting, and he is allowed to hurt, but don't go overboard Josh... life can be good even with sleep apnea (I think, I hope, I am pretty sure).

[sleepypirate555]

Reading ur post just made me so happy! I never knew anyone hated this like me. Osa has taken my entire life from me. I hate that I spent 5 years of my life(from the time I turned 17) being told I was "just fine" and to "diet and excercise" only to find out I have osa, and be totally compliant with treatment, only to feel worse with every passing day. I hate all 9 doctors who either gave up or dismissed me. It's just nice to know that someone else is struggling with this too. *hugs*

[Bonnie]

Sleepypirate........if you have been "totally compliant" and feeling worse everyday then there is definatlely something wrong with your treatment. If nine doctors gave up or dismissed you, what have you been doing for yourself? Very easy to hate something but to do nothing about it is very wrong. Sleep apnea may have taken away 5 year of your life but what about the rest of it? Seems like you have choices here and a start is to talk to us about WHAT the problems are that you've had with no results for so long. Perhaps start another thread and let us know what you are having difficulties with.