A CPAP Failure

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 1:32 pm

Have to admit I was one those kids that never paid attention in school. I fondly remember those wonderful film strips where I could a nap in bliss. Each time the record beeped to switch the frame I would switch dreams. To this day whenever I hear the beep for leaving my message on a phone I start to doze. Who knew those moments of repose would come back to haunt me in my adult life?

It all started out when my doctor told me I failed my physical exam. I went in without even knowing I would be graded. After begging and pleading to do anything for extra credit, he finally agreed to me taking more tests. Remembering my less than sterling academic career I offered to wax his car and pay double my bill. That glint in his eye as he told me more testing was the only way, told me I would be I would be paying much more than double.

The weeks before my first test I studied sleep so hard. Often practicing my technique many times throughout the day. Not sure if I was going to be scored on duration or style off I went to the internet to find out all I could. So thus armed, I took my admission slip and headed off to the lab.

I should of known I was in real trouble when I went to the wrong room for my exam. So proud of the wide eye look of awe on the receptionist’s face when I flaunted my vast knowledge declaring I was here for my “PAP test”. I had just gotten into the stirrups and was looking for where to put in my quarter when a nurse asked me if I should be there.

Just a little embarrassed I shuffled down the hall to the “Lab”. Things were really looking up when they handed me my graduation gown even before I started the test. I knew these guys seriously frowned on cheating when they wired me for the full body lie detector. Armed with my number 2 pencil, counting on my skill at making Christmas tree patterns for multiple choice exams, I prepared to be tested.

Imagining my delight when I found out it was going to be an oral exam. The voice in the speaker was asking me questions that I knew every answer to. Why was I so worried? So I nestled into the rubber sheets and settled done for the practical part of the test where I could really strut my stuff.

A couple months later my doctor finally was ready to give me my grade. Looking over the results I was sure I scored well considering all those AIs and AHIs. My jaw truly dropped when the doctor told me I got OSA. I mean how bad do you have to be to get so much lower than an F?

Failing really wasn’t my fault. How do they expect a guy to sleep when the lab depressurizes and they have to run in and slap an emergency oxygen mask on you? No matter how much I swore I wasn’t cheating they kept sending the proctor in to strap the detector down tighter.

All these protests fell on deaf ears as the Doctor told me I would have to do a home course to improve my sleep. So here I am taking remedial sleeping and one day I know I will pass the test. If only his pager hadn’t beeped when he was instructing me on how to put on the mask. I don’t think all this blowing in my ear is really that helpful.

Sleepless on LI · Post by **Sleepless on LI** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 2:26 pm

Yet another Mikemoran classic. I loved this one. Where do you come up with the ideas, one after another, for the story line? This was really brilliant, though. Thanks!!!

Grabraham · Post by **Grabraham** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 2:40 pm

Mike I still have not got that Rx for the happy pills from your Dr. Can you remind him for me?

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 2:51 pm

Sleepless on LI wrote:Where do you come up with the ideas, one after another, for the story line?

God if I knew that maybe I could make the vocies stop too. LOL

elliejose · Post by **elliejose** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 2:52 pm

I would love the RX myself. Please pass it along. You must have kept everyone around you entertained when you were in school. I was in school the first 4 years of elementary school with a girl who never had to stop to even think about anything, and could always tell the most entertaining stories. We'd just ask for her to tell us a story and she could finish one and start another. It was amazing. Never since until now have I met anyone else with this gift. But YOU HAVE IT! Keep up the good work. I for one am enjoying it!

peg · Post by **peg** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 3:01 pm

That was a wonderful story. What color is the sky in your world??
I would think that you spent all night making these stories up but you are on CPAP so you should be sleeping.
You must have to much time on your hands, but you are so creative with it.
Speak on voices, speak on!!

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WAFlowers · Post by **WAFlowers** » Thu Oct 13, 2005 3:21 pm

I try to ignore the little voices in my head, but sometimes they have the most wonderful ideas! .

Mike, I think you've captured the essence of confusion every one of us here has experienced!

Mask