Trying Hard Not to Commit Suicide

[BoxedIn]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Trying hard not to commit suicide, feeling very boxed in and in deep trouble.
I have severe sleep apnea and as such, I feel exhausted most of the time. If I wake up at 9 AM, by 1pm I'm ready to nap,
and not for 30 mins... for like 4 hours. I struggle greatly to stay awake... caffeine is a hit or miss and sometimes makes me
even more sleepy so I usually avoid caffeine.

Have been using a CPAP for 3 months, haven't missed a single day. First the APAP pressure range was wide open 4-20, then I narrowed
it down to 8-12 based on my 95 percent pressure. Sleepyhead has allowed my to monitor my data all this time... leaks under control,
mask is comfortable, humidifier helps. After one month I noticed zero improvement so I switched to straight CPAP mode with a pressure
of 10. This is weird... my AHI is very low, my leaks are normal, my Sleepyhead data is fine, but after 3 months there I notice no significant
improvement.

I saw an ENT and he said my tonsils are normal, but I might benefit for one of the UPPP surgeries or whatever they are called. I've heard these
rarely last long term and are very painful and usually not worth it. I looked into a dental device, an orthotic. I was told these typically only
work with those who have mild apnea, and even then a lot of people find them uncomfortable. I put in 3 solid months of CPAP, did a lot of reading, found a mask I found comfortable and was able to tame Quattro's leaks, my AHI is usually around 1.5 or 2... yet here I am, always very tired.


So having said all this, why am I fighting hard to not commit suicide? Money issues. My sleep apnea is the direct reason why I am FLAT broke.
A couple years ago I was fired from my full time job because of showing up to work late and not finishing work assignments on time. I am no slacker,
but sleep apnea makes me dog tired most of the time. Just could not do it. Since them I've gone from job to job, tried a few odd jobs, but I'm
just always so tired.

I'm sure some of you will respond to this post telling me to just stick with CPAP or post Sleepyhead data or try a new mask, but really my most pressing
concern now is this money issue. Because I'm so tired all the time, I cannot hold a decent job or even work much part time. I have no money and
practically no income. I do not have any money left for rent, barely have any money to cover the electric bill or gas. Two of my credit cards have not
been paid in 6 weeks... I'm expecting the debt collectors to start calling any day now.

I will mostly likely get evicted from my apartment for non-payment of rent. I will then have to live in my car...
Because of sleep apnea, and because of no relief from CPAP despite 3 months of usage and a very low AHI with hardly any centrals,
I am flat broke, unable to work, and weeks away from being evicted, bankrupt, in default, living in the street or in my car.
Hey by then, CPAP won't even matter, I won't even have a home to plug it into an electrical socket anymore.

I've known about my sleep apnea for a few years but it has gotten a bit worse over time... I was counting on CPAP to help me out but
despite perfect compliance and very low AHI it has gotten me nowhere. Sometimes I feel even more tired after using CPAP.
I really want to be strong and not commit suicide but if I'm going to be living in the street completely broke, I don't know what there is left
to do anymore.

P.S. If anyone wonders, I'm a 31 year old guy, unmarried, no kids, about 25 lbs over weight.

[cosmo]

Could it be other problems not related to a sleep disorder?

[BoxedIn]

If you have low AHI then treatment is successful for apneas, could it be other problems not related to a sleep disorder?

I'm not a narcoleptic because I don't fall asleep at stoplights or in the middle of a meeting, but I do feel VERY tired where I have to fight hard
to stay awake. My most recent sleep test from 5 months ago showed severe sleep apnea in the supine position and moderate when I sleep on
my side. No restless leg syndrome and no abnormal limb movements. But definitely have sleep apnea.

Like I said in my post, in a month or two, using a CPAP won't even be an option since I will mostly likely be evicted and have to live either in my
car or on the street. I'm flat broke and in default due to not having any income, too tired to hold a job

[Pugsy]

If you look good on paper (nice AHI, no leaks, etc) then time to look for other possible culprits.
What has the leak data shown? What about snores, Flow limitations and RERAs?
Could you post an image of a typical night's report?

How many hours of sleep are you averaging?
Are you waking up often during the night? If so any reason why?
Do you take any meds? Even OTC? If so what are they, dosage and time you take them.
Any other health problems that mess with sleep quality?
Trouble going to sleep? Staying asleep?

So instead of just telling you to "keep on using the cpap" let's see if anything else may be a complicating factor to your sleep quality.

Sometimes it isn't all about the AHI. I wish it were but it just isn't. Getting a nice low AHI is really pretty easy but figuring out other things that affect our sleep isn't so easy and if there is something else going on besides the sleep apnea the machine won't do such a good job fixing stuff that isn't related to sleep apnea.

[BoxedIn]

If you look good on paper (nice AHI, no leaks, etc) then time to look for other possible culprits.
What has the leak data shown? What about snores, Flow limitations and RERAs?
Could you post an image of a typical night's report?

How many hours of sleep are you averaging?
Are you waking up often during the night? If so any reason why?
Do you take any meds? Even OTC? If so what are they, dosage and time you take them.
Any other health problems that mess with sleep quality?
Trouble going to sleep? Staying asleep?

So instead of just telling you to "keep on using the cpap" let's see if anything else may be a complicating factor to your sleep quality.

Sometimes it isn't all about the AHI. I wish it were but it just isn't. Getting a nice low AHI is really pretty easy but figuring out other things that affect our sleep isn't so easy and if there is something else going on besides the sleep apnea the machine won't do such a good job fixing stuff that isn't related to sleep apnea.

The problem is that I will mostly likely have to stop using CPAP unless there are car adapters for it. Flat broke, landlord is gonna evict me.
Will live in the car, at least its not the sidewalk.

[greatunclebill]

your main problem is probably not sleep apnea. when you read this, get in your car and report to the nearest emergency room. tell the emergency room doctor what you have told us strangers in an internet forum. help is out there for the asking.

[cosmo]

I'm nearing 4 months, still tired daily but not fatigued as before treatment. So there is improvement. I figure it might take some time if ever that I will have normal energy level.

I know that cpap treatment is doing what its suppose to do, eliminate/reduce apneas each night. Oximeter and Zeo's data confirms it. So the tiredness now is not due to lack of oxygen during sleep. CPAP treatment was just one of the repairs that was needed. Still have more troubleshooting to go.

[jencat824]

Although your OSA is an issue, sounds like you need immediate services such as your local social service agencies. As another poster said, go to the ER, tell them you are trying hard to not commit suicide, they will help you.

Please go now & let us know when you can how you are. I will send prayers & good wishes your way.

Jen

[BoxedIn]

Although your OSA is an issue, sounds like you need immediate services such as your local social service agencies. As another poster said, go to the ER, tell them you are trying hard to not commit suicide, they will help you.

Please go now & let us know when you can how you are. I will send prayers & good wishes your way.

Jen

What is an ER going to do for someone who is too tired to have a job so is being evicted and is in default on credit card bills as well?
Best case scenario is they put me in a homeless shelter o.O Can you even use a CPAP in a homeless shelter?
Also if they don't send me to a homeless shelter they'll send me to a mental ward... which wouldn't do me any good either
because psychiatrists and medication are not going to fix the problem of no money and too tired for work.
Living in a house and paying for clothes and electricity costs money... but I simply am too tired to work, already tried
many times.

Even in the most optimistic scenario, I still am going to be homeless and flat broke.

[Pugsy]

Well you aren't out on the street right now...can you answer the questions I asked?
Do you want help or do you need to just verbalize how bad you feel?

I already know you are depressed...if you are so depressed you cannot see anything but dispair...get some help for your mental state.
We can't do much here except tell you to go get help for the depression you are in.
We can't help you with your sleep apnea issues if you are unable or unwilling to help yourself.

[cosmo]

There's also crisis hotlines. They probably seen similar circumstances before and are in a better position with connecting you to the right people.

Most get federal/state/private donations so it'll cost you nothing to use their resources.

http://hopeline.com/ 1.800.SUICIDE
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-TALK

[n0hardmask]

If you have low AHI then treatment is successful for apneas, could it be other problems not related to a sleep disorder?

I'm not a narcoleptic because I don't fall asleep at stoplights or in the middle of a meeting, but I do feel VERY tired where I have to fight hard to stay awake. My most recent sleep test from 5 months ago showed severe sleep apnea in the supine position and moderate when I sleep on
my side. No restless leg syndrome and no abnormal limb movements. But definitely have sleep apnea.
Like I said in my post, in a month or two, using a CPAP won't even be an option since I will mostly likely be evicted and have to live either in my car or on the street. I'm flat broke and in default due to not having any income, too tired to hold a job

BoxedIn A couple of obvious comments. You're motivated to make this work, as evidenced by your being proactive in managing your treatment. You are acknowledging that you are battling depression and feel at wit's end.
You need some local support, wherever local for you is. Friends who can help you chase down a counselor to help with your frustration and depression. I can say that because I regularly seek counseling for my various stressers. Second, you need to find out what kind of financial assistance is available for someone in a bind, which you are. You need to work the issues in order of urgency.
Try to find someone locally to work with you on your health issues: apnea and whatever else may be ruining your sleep. I understand this: I've been on xPAP for about 20 months, and am still trying to tame my Restless Limb issues and whatever else keeps me from not getting rest. If you have had a bedroom partner, what have they said about your inability to rest at night?
Once you have someone helping you with the <1>counseling and lack of <2>money, you can focus on what's messing with your sleep. You MAY have to move into someplace like Salvation Army or other facility that can help you get on your feet. But an inside bed with electrical outlets is a necessity.
As cosmo comments, you may well have other issues that need to be identified and worked, once you've taken care of the two first requirements. It won't be easy! so I encourage you to stick around the forum as much as practical; there's lots of experience to be gleaned from reading the posts and looking in the Wiki. Whatever faith you have, hang onto it and keep us posted.

[khauser]

You've got way more than plain ole OSA. And you need the kind of help we can't provide here. That doesn't mean we won't try, but you're going to have to help us help you.

The very first step you need to take is to seek help about suicidal thoughts. Call the suicide prevention line: 1-800-273-8255. Do it right now. Don't think about it, just do it. You can come back here and read the rest later ... it's not going anywhere! Seriously, suicide is not the answer at all, and we all want you to get past that.

In fact I think I will wait until the suicide thoughts are a thing of the past before I try any additional help. But I will offer you this: There are solutions to each of the problems facing you. There's help in every category. It may not be an easy road, but there is a road. Take the first step by making that call.

Please get back in touch afterwards ... we all care.
-Kevin

[BoxedIn]

Well you aren't out on the street right now...can you answer the questions I asked?
Do you want help or do you need to just verbalize how bad you feel?

I already know you are depressed...if you are so depressed you cannot see anything but dispair...get some help for your mental state.
We can't do much here except tell you to go get help for the depression you are in.
We can't help you with your sleep apnea issues if you are unable or unwilling to help yourself.

Pugsy, I appreciate your help and thank you for it, but understand that I'm a happy person by nature and not prone to depression.
If I were to tell you that in a few weeks you will lose your home, be flat broke, have an empty bank out, loans past due,
and will be living either in the street, your car, or a homeless shelter with creepy people in it, I'm pretty sure you would be depressed too.

I don't know anyone who is going to live in the backseat of their car, totally broke, and yet is not going to be depressed about it.

[BoxedIn]

Thank you for your comments, but I feel an important point is being missed. I could completely rule out suicide, that can be done,
but either way I'm going to be homeless very soon, and already flat broke, deep in debt.

That is the biggest problem here. I would probably have to spend the rest of my life in a homeless shelter because I don't think
sleep apnea just goes away on its own. I'll still be too tired to hold a job. I don't know what I'm going to do at Salvation Army
with a CPAP machine, and even then like I said I've used it for 92 days without missing a day, 8 hours per night, very low AHI,
and still feel dog tired.

Do you see how I'm in a bind? The CPAP machine has no helped after all this time, and if I go to a homeless shelter I don't know
how I'll ever get out since I'll be just as tired as before. Unless by some miracle I get more energy while in the homeless shelter, which
is quite unlikely given the circumstances. So the best case scenario that is realistic is I'll be living forever in a homeless shelter or my
car, very tired. Because sleep apnea does not go away on it own and because if I've had no relief from CPAP now, I don't see how using
it in a homeless shelter surrounded by homeless people is going to help.