Sleeping with a partner who wears CPAP

[BlackSpinner]

Again, I am just very disappointed that everyone assumes that because they don't experience something, if someone else has a different experience, that they are making it up and thus have a bad attitude and don't give a damm about their partner. That seems very harsh and and unfair to me.

If they were like that their attitude would be different, they would be looking for help for their issues, they would not be putting down the very real medical equipment that will potentially keep their spouse alive.

We didn't bitch about mom's wheelchair damaging the walls and refuse to use it in the house, we looked for solutions for the walls.

[zoocrewphoto]

I know I posted about this near the beginning of the thread but it bears repeating in light of the recent posts:

I wanted to chime as someone who is more noise sensitive than the average person and has been that way for as long as I can remember. By the way, noises that don't bother alot of people feel like an assault to me. Just saying

then that's YOUR problem, YOU fix it.

wear earplugs.

it's insufferably arrogant to expect everyone around you to cater to your issues.

I have trouble sleeping with sounds around me, my solution isn't to demand silence from everybody else... I wear earplugs.

I have to agree. Back when my mom had a loud cpap machine, it would drive me crazy when sharing a hotel room. I hate white noise. I would sleep with earphones and music playing to cover up the sound of the cpap machine. We both have the Resmed S9 now, so they are super quiet. I can't hear it at all. When I share a hotel room, my roommates comment on how quiet it is. It doesn't bother anybody. The only time there is noise is if I have leaks, and those bother ME, so I fix them quickly. I do not allow the noise to continue very long since even a small leak bothers me.

On the other side of this, my sister is extremely noise sensitive, and she is rude and demanding about it. She gets very upset about people eating too loudly. Now, I can understand if somebody were smacking their lips or slurping. But she is reacting to sounds I do not even hear. She will complain that my dad made noises, yet I sat next to him and didn't hear a thing. I have tried to remind her that she knows she is more sensitive. That means that she hears what others do not. So, don't get upset with them for something they cannot hear. They aren't doing it on purpose. I can't even eat soup near her. I tried so hard not to make a sound, yet she kept glaring at me. I couldn't even hear myself eat, yet she was angry. Sometimes, people need to realize they are being over-sensitive.

[49er]

I know I posted about this near the beginning of the thread but it bears repeating in light of the recent posts:

I wanted to chime as someone who is more noise sensitive than the average person and has been that way for as long as I can remember. By the way, noises that don't bother alot of people feel like an assault to me. Just saying

then that's YOUR problem, YOU fix it.

wear earplugs.

it's insufferably arrogant to expect everyone around you to cater to your issues.

I have trouble sleeping with sounds around me, my solution isn't to demand silence from everybody else... I wear earplugs.

I have to agree. Back when my mom had a loud cpap machine, it would drive me crazy when sharing a hotel room. I hate white noise. I would sleep with earphones and music playing to cover up the sound of the cpap machine. We both have the Resmed S9 now, so they are super quiet. I can't hear it at all. When I share a hotel room, my roommates comment on how quiet it is. It doesn't bother anybody. The only time there is noise is if I have leaks, and those bother ME, so I fix them quickly. I do not allow the noise to continue very long since even a small leak bothers me.

On the other side of this, my sister is extremely noise sensitive, and she is rude and demanding about it. She gets very upset about people eating too loudly. Now, I can understand if somebody were smacking their lips or slurping. But she is reacting to sounds I do not even hear. She will complain that my dad made noises, yet I sat next to him and didn't hear a thing. I have tried to remind her that she knows she is more sensitive. That means that she hears what others do not. So, don't get upset with them for something they cannot hear. They aren't doing it on purpose. I can't even eat soup near her. I tried so hard not to make a sound, yet she kept glaring at me. I couldn't even hear myself eat, yet she was angry. Sometimes, people need to realize they are being over-sensitive.

Zoo Crew,

As an FYI, if I were sharing a hotel room with someone for just a few nights, I would grin and bear it if things were too noisy. But when we're talking about a permanent sleep arrangement, that would be a different story in which hopefully, a win/win solution could be worked out.

Regarding your sister, you missed my point that is is about everyone getting what they need and that applies to all parties and not just the person who is sensitive to noise. If your sister is bothered by you eating soup, she needs to move away so she doesn't hear the sound of the soup.

Regarding ear plugs, have to laugh that once again how this board assumes a one size fit all solution works for everyone. When I had a noisy neighbor years ago, decided to try earplugs. Because I couldn't get the store ones to work, I got custom made ones which were great. Unfortunately, they consistently pushed the wax deep into my ear canal which happened consistently making them impossible to wear since that effected my hearing. Probably due to narrow ear canals.

[49er]

Again, I am just very disappointed that everyone assumes that because they don't experience something, if someone else has a different experience, that they are making it up and thus have a bad attitude and don't give a damm about their partner. That seems very harsh and and unfair to me.

If they were like that their attitude would be different, they would be looking for help for their issues, they would not be putting down the very real medical equipment that will potentially keep their spouse alive.

We didn't bitch about mom's wheelchair damaging the walls and refuse to use it in the house, we looked for solutions for the walls.

BS,

I didn't sense there was a putdown of pap therapy but maybe I missed something. Anyway, I applaud your attitude in helping people look for solutions.

[Stormynights]

When I first started using my first cpap I had a very difficult time. I had a hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep. One night I had just barely dozed off when my husband woke me up to tell me that air was blowing in his face. I threw my mask across the room and got out of bed. I didn't get anymore sleep that night. I was working then and I had to go to work like a zombie. That evening I explained to my husband that it was harder on me than it was on him. I offered to move to another bedroom but he didn't want that. He never complained again. I think if he had continued to complain I would probably have just stopped using my machine at all. Cpap users need support from their partners. It is essential.

[49er]

When I first started using my first cpap I had a very difficult time. I had a hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep. One night I had just barely dozed off when my husband woke me up to tell me that air was blowing in his face. I threw my mask across the room and got out of bed. I didn't get anymore sleep that night. I was working then and I had to go to work like a zombie. That evening I explained to my husband that it was harder on me than it was on him. I offered to move to another bedroom but he didn't want that. He never complained again. I think if he had continued to complain I would probably have just stopped using my machine at all. Cpap users need support from their partners. It is essential.

No arguments Stormy with anything you said. Again, the issue is coming with "reasonable" solutions so that everyone gets what they need. In a hypothetical situation similar to what you and your husband experienced, perhaps the partner who got air blown on his/her face should have said to the spouse on cpap, "Honey, I really understand how important this pap therapy is to you and don't want you to stop but how can we together problem solve the issue of air blowing on my face?" The solution might be quite simple by the way.

49er

PS - Forgot mention this should be discussed the next morning and not after the partner has woken up the spouse.

[Stormynights]

I can't stand hot breath in my face but I never woke him up to tell him to stop breathing in my face I just rolled over. I didn't see why he couldn't do the same thing. I must add that he is the most kind and thoughtful person I ever met bit we all have our moments.

[patrissimo]

I know I posted about this near the beginning of the thread but it bears repeating in light of the recent posts:

I wanted to chime as someone who is more noise sensitive than the average person and has been that way for as long as I can remember. By the way, noises that don't bother alot of people feel like an assault to me. Just saying.

Anyway, in my opinion, this is not about someone who complains about the cpap noise being a drama queen, having the wrong attitude, or any other negative connotation this board like to attach to people in this situation. It is about making sure that everyone's needs get met so that the partner gets what is needed for successful pap therapy and that the spouse's health does not deteriorate from lack of sleep which can result in impaired functioning and things like high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. I mean, the spouse adjusting to the partner's cpap can't be the supportive partner that you demand if she/she is always tired, right?

Again, I am just very disappointed that everyone assumes that because they don't experience something, if someone else has a different experience, that they are making it up and thus have a bad attitude and don't give a damm about their partner. That seems very harsh and and unfair to me.

I am stepping down from my soapbox.

49er

I appreciate this and I enthusiastically agree. I can totally understand why people get triggered - it's hard enough to figure out you have SDB and get it treated and get the treatment to work without someone else being bothered by what is saving your life.

HOWEVER, another way to look at it is: Sleep is critical to health & well-being. SDB destroys sleep. The SDB sufferer is using CPAP, despite all the annoyances, so they can sleep better. If the CPAP makes their partner sleep poorly, then the same thing is being lost on the other side of the bed. If sleep is important, it is important for both partners. Being woken up by noise is not as bad as being woken up by not breathing, but it still has a huge impact on sleep and all the things affected by SDB. Think about how the husband's sleep is affected by a new baby waking up during the night, even if the wife is the one to feed it and put it back to sleep. Or look at something as simple as the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine gets trashed because a neighbor's dog barks through the night.

If CPAP was somehow powered by an arm with a boxing glove that hit your partner in the head every hour, would you mock the partner for wanting to find a better solution, or call them selfish? Of course note, and for some people, loud noises are just as bad. It's not about trying to stop someone from getting treated, it's about finding ways to ensure the treatment for one partner's sleep problems doesn't create sleep problems for the other. As long as the non-SDB partner understands how critical the treatment is, i can't see it as anything but healthy for them not to want to have their sleep ruined by it.

[BlackSpinner]

If the CPAP makes their partner sleep poorly, then the same thing is being lost on the other side of the bed. If sleep is important, it is important for both partners. Being woken up by noise is not as bad as being woken up by not breathing, but it still has a huge impact on sleep and all the things affected by SDB. Think about how the husband's sleep is affected by a new baby waking up during the night, even if the wife is the one to feed it and put it back to sleep. Or look at something as simple as the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine gets trashed because a neighbor's dog barks through the night..

Because the answer is a simple - get ear plugs, or move to the other room. It does not involve several thousand dollars, a huge learning curve and constant expenses and thought. Travel has not become a pain in the ass. There are no strap marks, no interesting noises from the stomach area, no hair issues.

It is a lot like saying "that wheelchair is making marks on the walls. Learn to walk again, those walls are more important then you are"

Anyone whinning because of a solution to someone's health issue makes them feel upset needs to get themselves to a therapist or out the door.

[otrpu]

Dec 13th, we'll celebrate 48 years of Marital Bliss. Been on CPAP since 2003. Somewhere around 2006 Wifey placed her thumb under my FFM to reposition it over my mouth. I used to cheat and mouth breath beneath the FFM. While replacing my mask she tore the cushion with her thumb, which proved to be an expensive adjustment. She didn't mean to, but it still broke my mask and I didn't have a spare back then. We finally decided, since the waterbed was also giving my back fits, that we'd both be better off if I slept in a different bedroom. Either of us can knock on the door if/when we want too. But truthfully both of us are getting better sleep since that change.
Cheers,
otrpu

[patrissimo]

If the CPAP makes their partner sleep poorly, then the same thing is being lost on the other side of the bed. If sleep is important, it is important for both partners. Being woken up by noise is not as bad as being woken up by not breathing, but it still has a huge impact on sleep and all the things affected by SDB. Think about how the husband's sleep is affected by a new baby waking up during the night, even if the wife is the one to feed it and put it back to sleep. Or look at something as simple as the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine gets trashed because a neighbor's dog barks through the night..

Because the answer is a simple - get ear plugs, or move to the other room. It does not involve several thousand dollars, a huge learning curve and constant expenses and thought. Travel has not become a pain in the ass. There are no strap marks, no interesting noises from the stomach area, no hair issues.

It is a lot like saying "that wheelchair is making marks on the walls. Learn to walk again, those walls are more important then you are"

Anyone whinning because of a solution to someone's health issue makes them feel upset needs to get themselves to a therapist or out the door.

Who is saying "Learn to walk again"? It's more like "you keep rolling over my foot, and you are going to break my toe eventually, let's figure out how to not have that happen."

It has nothing to do with "feeling upset", it has to do with "being woken up." Not being woken up is the entire point of CPAP.

Yes, it's easier to solve "CPAP noise wakeup" than "apnea wakeup". Doesn't mean it isn't worth solving. If anything, easier problems are more worth solving than harder ones.

[BlackSpinner]

Who is saying "Learn to walk again"? It's more like "you keep rolling over my foot, and you are going to break my toe eventually, let's figure out how to not have that happen."

You without the wheelchair can move more easily - pay attention and get out of the way or get steel toed boots and suck it up

It has nothing to do with "feeling upset", it has to do with "being woken up." Not being woken up is the entire point of CPAP.

Yes, it's easier to solve "CPAP noise wakeup" than "apnea wakeup". Doesn't mean it isn't worth solving. If anything, easier problems are more worth solving than harder ones.

The best way to solve it is to get the person out of your life. Nobodies needs people like that in their life when dealing with health issues. Let them go and poop on some one else's parade - you are welcome to them.

[Snuggler]

Have a heart people! So many responses are condemning you and assuming you want your partner to not use his mask because it is inconvienecing you! Terrible assumption. I get it. I love my husband and I am so happy he has and wears his mask and he can sleep again. I am great full for his health and his life. For us it has been many years and we have just accepted sleeping far from each other so I don't get the exhaust on me. We have to work a little more to make time for romance and it works but here is the trouble; I miss snuggling and I miss having romance come about more naturally while we snuggle. That is why I searched the topic.

[chunkyfrog]

Hypersensitivity to sound can be a problem for some cpap users or bedmates of a cpapper.
This hypersensitivity is a genuine disorder, often suffered by some on the autism spectrum.
If a person is overly sensitive to a variety of sounds which do not affect others, they need to see a doctor about it.
Be a squeaky wheel; pressure your providers to address this problem.
It should not be a source of misery for everyone involved.
Get help!