OT: Daily Funny bone

[Perrybucsdad]

#2 Pencil

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class..

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'

When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.

'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.

And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The nun fainted............

[SMenasco]

A drunk staggered into a bar and sat down next to a woman who happened to have a duck under her arm. The drunk looked over at her for quite a long time and then said, "Where'd you get the pig?" The woman replied, "I'll have you know this is a duck." The drunk said, "I'll have you know I was talking to the duck."

[mayondair]

Dear friends,

This message is very appropriate right now as an excellent reminder for all of us....

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to "tipple" during this time of the year. Well, it recently happened to me.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one.

Merry Christmas to you all. kathy

[2 B Sleeping Soundly]

Good one Kathy!

John

[rocklin]

.

An archaeological team unearths a mummy in a remote dig in Egypt.

An international debate starts over how old it could be. Nobody knows, so the mummy is brought to three countries: the USA, Japan, and Russia for analysis by their experts.

It is brought to the USA first. After a week of testing the US specialists say it is 3.000 years old.

Then, the Japanese, after a month of careful analysis, and using their proprietary technology, find that the mummy is 2.953 years old.

Finally, the Russians take possession of the mummy. Exactly a day later they release their stunning findings to the world:

"The mummy is 2.953 years, 5 months, 2 weeks and 4 days old".

At a press conference, journalists pepper the Russian spokesman with questions, asking to how this astonishing feat was accomplished,

Russian spokesman dryly replies: "The mummy was taken to the KGB, and he confessed under torture."

.

[VVV]

In the same vein:

A man takes his young son to a famous museum on a beautiful afternoon. In the large lobby is a magnificent skeleton of a very large dinosaur.

Son: Father how old is that dinosaur?

Father: I do not know. Let me asked the guard. (Asks guard)

Guard: That dinosaur is 60 million, 18 years, and 3 months old.

Father: See son, it is very old.

Son: How do they know the age so accurately?

Father (asking guard): Say, how do you know the age so accurately?

Guard: Dr. Hensley, our museum curator, is a very smart man. When I came to work here he told me, "Roland, I want you to guard this dinosaur fossil very carefully. It is our most valuable piece and it is sixty million years old." I have now been working here 18 years and 3 months.

[2 B Sleeping Soundly]

Relationships... He said – she thinks, She said – he thinks

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine.

He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly and after awhile neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

Then, one evening when they are driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine and without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Gee, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh, Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space so I would have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let’s see. February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means... lemme check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, and more commitment; maybe he has sensed – even before I sensed it – that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he is so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He is afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say; it’s still not shifting right. They better not try to blame it on the hot weather this time. What hot weather? It’s only 90 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. I don’t blame him. I’d be angry too. I feel so guilty, putting him through all this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the rats.

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, wanting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I am sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly care about, a person who truly seems to care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, school girl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their...“Roger,” Elaine says aloud. “What?” says Roger, startled.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have... I feel so...” (She breaks down, sobbing.)

“What?” says Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight, I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” says Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that... It’s that I... I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

“Yes,” he says.

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) “Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she says.

“What way?” says Roger.

“That way about time?” says Elaine

“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then He takes her home where she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn. When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a re-run of a tennis match between two Czechs he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it (This is also Roger’s policy regarding the Global Economy.)

The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for at least six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue this subject, on and off, for days, maybe weeks, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting board with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

[VVV]

2B, As a male I will say that is a painfully good one!

Now for something a little lighter.

Merry Christmas from all of the gang!

[Starlette]

@ Perry - Raised Catholic, that was too funny about the #2 pencil. Thank you for sharing.
Funny, I can actually see that nun fainting

Starlette

[Perrybucsdad]

Mountain Man !!
Many years ago, in the days of the mountain men a mountain man was captured by the Indians. They didn't kill him. They had a test for him, not a written test but an endurance test, a "gauntlet" if you will.

If he lived through the gauntlet he would get all his pack-horses, weopons, furs, and supplies back. He would also be able to travel and hunt in the tribes territory without any harm coming to him. If he didn't pass the gauntlet, well, it did not matter, because he would be dead.

The Chief, in front of the whole tribe showed the mountain man 3 tee-pees. he told the mountain man, " In the 1st tee-pee is a gallon jug of 'white lightning'. When you pick it up, you can not put it down until empty. You drink all of it. In 2nd tee-pee, female grizzly with bad tooth. You pull tooth. In 3rd tee-pee, squaw. Very horny squaw. you satisfy squaw."

Well, the mountain man thought this shouldn't be too hard. He had fought bears before, and he had been with women before. The only thing that concerned him was that he wasn't much of a drinking man. He had nothing to lose so he went in the 1st tee-pee. He picked up the jug and pulled the stopper. he started drinking. after about 2 hours he came out, staggering and stumbling. He seemed quite disoriented and the chief pointed to the 2nd tee-pee and said, "Bear."

The crowd laughed and made fun of the drunken mountain man as he stumbled towards the 2nd tee-pee. As soon as he entered the tee-pee the fight started, growling, screaming, cursing, more growling, yelling and plenty of other noises came from the tee-pee. About 30 minutes after he went in, he came out. He belched. He farted. He hiked up his buckskins and he asked the Chief, " Now,,, where's that squaw that had that sore tooth??"

[SMenasco]

Kathy reminded me of something that happened to me many years ago. I worked for an extermely smart Irishman, a PHD EE and JD. He was small in stature, but huge in intellect. I was late to an important staff meeting due to a bad hangover. When I arrived, my boss looked at me, was silent for a moment then recited what has come to be my favorite poem.

One evening in October, when I was far from sober, I was carrying home my manly load with pride.
My feet began to stutter, so I laid down in the gutter, and a pig crawled in and laid down by my side.
We were singing "'tis fair weather when good friends get together" and a woman passing by was heard to say,
"You can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses", and the pig got up and slowly walked away.

My boss finished the poem then continued on with the meeting as though nothing had happened. Needless to say, this was the last time I was ever late to one of his meetings. I'll never forget the embarrassment and the lesson learned.

[mayondair]

 

 
This  is the story of  the poor blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
 
He  has a heart attack and dies.  She frantically calls a May Day:
 
"May  Day!  May Day!  Help me!  Help me!  My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. I don't know how  to fly.  Help me!  Please help me!"
 
All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying:
 
"This  is the tower, I have received your message and I will talk you through it.  I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.  Now, just relax.  Everything will be fine!  Now give me your height and position."
 
She  says,  "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front  seat."
 
"O.K." says the voice from the tower.  "Repeat after me:  Our Father. . . Who art in Heaven. . . "
 

[So Well]

Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re a** and then walk it dry.
Chew on that,
Petunia.S Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy

Timmy,
That’s what I thought you little bastard.
Santa

[ChicagoGranny]

The Pope and Obama were on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned toward Mr. Obama and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Obama replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....show me!"

So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage! THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY and there
was Happiness throughout the land!

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

[NachtWürger]