OT: Daily Funny bone

[ameriken]

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today.

A Dr. on TV said that in order for us to have inner peace we should always finish things we start, which will bring us a sense of satisfaction in our lives. We also should find ways to bring more calm and relaxation.

So I looked around my house to find things I'd started & hadn't finished. I found a bottle of Merlot, a botle of Jack Daniels, a bodle of Bayleys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box f choclitz. Yu haf no idr who fablus I feel rigte now. Sned tis to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum!

[mars]

Hi All

Sorry about that - it just struck me that Black Humour belongs somewhere else, and not on this thread.

My apologies.

Mars

[Perrybucsdad]

I need a sign like this for some of the people I have the privilege of working with.

[ameriken]

Cat lovers will understand

http://www.twitvid.com/7YTYR

[Julie]

Just saw your video....

[Perrybucsdad]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched
in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and began to
apologize "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical
therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious
agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping
his hands together at his groin. At her persistence,
however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great ......but my thumb still
hurts like hell."

[ameriken]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the City's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over five million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what the hell makes you think I'd give any to you?"

[Perrybucsdad]

Norwegian Virgin
Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in Northern Minnesota, took a
lightning-quick kick from a cow... right in his crotch. Writhing in
agony, he fell to the ground.


As soon as he could
manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He : “How bad is it Doc? I'm
going on my honeymoon next veek
and my fiance Lena , is still a Virgin -
in every vay.”

The doctor told him” “Olof, I'll have to put
your willy in a splint to let it heal & keep it straight.
It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you can.”

He took four tongue depressors & formed a neat little 4
sided splint & taped it all together...quite an impressive work of
art.

Olof mentioned none of this to Lena, married her &
they went on their honeymoon to Duluth .
That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped
open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts.

She said: “Olof..
you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.”

Olof immediately dropped his pants
& replied:

“Look at dis Lena ....


still in DA CRATE!”

[Perrybucsdad]

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly (and he forgot his CPAP device at home). They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night long."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Goodmorning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

[Perrybucsdad]

You all may have seen this before, but this cracks me up.

The Wooden Spoon Prank
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=22244

[Perrybucsdad]

Good manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'"

The teacher fainted..

[jazzer4]

Great Jokes.

Now that I have my apnea under control and don't have "brain fog" anymore maybe I can remember them.

Thanks for the laughs.

[Perrybucsdad]

Cannibal Joke 1

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a
restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat
down and looked over the menu...

+ Tourist: $5
+ Broiled Missionary: $7.00
+ Fried Explorer: $9.00
+ Freshly baked Conservatives, Liberals, Parti Québécois, New Democratic
Party & Green Party:$150.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a huge price
difference for the Politicians?'

The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so
full of sh*t, it takes all morning.'

Cannibal Joke 2

Cannibal goes into the brain store.

Irish brain..$8/lb

German brain..$ 8.50/lb

Italian brain..$ 7.50/lb

Politician brain..$ 975.00/lb

Cannibal asks why politician brains so expensive.


Sales clerk says...."Don't you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"

[idamtnboy]

The powers to be at Apple asked everyone associated with Apple to start wearing buttons, pins, badge straps, whatever, with the letters WWJD? on them. A Jewish and Muslim employee told their boss no way were they going to acknowledge the existence of Jesus. "Jesus? What are you guys talking about? WWJD - what would Jobs do?"

[Kody]

Three teenage girls go to confession. The first girl says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Yesterday, I looked at my boyfriend's privates." The priest responds, "Say three Our Fathers and three Hail Marys, and wash your eyes in holy water."

The second girl says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Yesterday, I touched my boyfriend's privates." The priest says, "Say three Our Fathers and three Hail Marys, and wash your hands in holy water."

The first two girls are doing their penance when the third girl comes running up to the holy-water font. "Move over girls, I gotta gargle."