OT: Daily Funny bone

General Discussion on any topic relating to CPAP and/or Sleep Apnea.

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chunkyfrog
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by chunkyfrog » Mon Mar 02, 2015 9:27 am

Thank you. It actually worked.

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idamtnboy
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by idamtnboy » Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:25 pm

You've all heard of the Serenity Prayer. Well, here is the old folks version!

Senility Prayer
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

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Starlette
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by Starlette » Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:51 pm

Love it! Thank you for sharing

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ChicagoGranny
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by ChicagoGranny » Thu Apr 02, 2015 11:46 am

How to prepare your face so it is moist and relaxed before you put the mask on - https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=91 ... nref=story


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ChicagoGranny
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by ChicagoGranny » Mon Apr 13, 2015 7:13 am

Thanks DeadlySleep! A classic!
DeadlySleep wrote:
seeker01 wrote:What is the life of a CPAP machine?
My days are very boring. I just sit here in the bedroom all by my lonesome self. Sometimes that damn cat comes in and props his ass down on me and just sits there silently.

Other days my master forgets to open the curtains before he rushes off to work. Then I am left in the dark all alone all day.

Evenings things liven up a bit for a short while. My master comes up and takes his clothes off and looks in the mirror and smiles at his fat body. Gross. Then he puts on a smelly T-shirt that he sleeps in and seldom washes.

He yanks out my bladder and fills it with damn cold water and then slams it back into my crotch. This always pisses me off. Literally.

Then he puts on my sister, the mask, and connects the hose to my blowhole. Damn, his breath reeks. To make it worse, he will usually belch into my blowhole a few times.

He lies in the bed and I began pumping air into his face and trying to keep up with his erratic breathing.

Some nights he buffs the banana before he falls asleep and it becomes nearly impossible to keep up with his stupid breathing and grunting. Some nights I think, "If he grunts 'Judy' one more time, I am going to take my pressure up to 20 and blow his damn brains out."

Then he falls asleep quickly and his breathing becomes low and steady and my work is easy until he hits REM. Then I have to be alert to bump up the pressure so the jerk doesn't wake up and start belching again.

In the wee hours of the morning he awakens and begins stretching in the bed and passing gas. Sometimes he fills the room and I suck it in and almost pass out. Finally he reaches over and hits my stop button and I can rest again.

Then my master gets up, pulls that smelly T-shirt off and smiles at his fat ass in the mirror again. Some mornings he will pass gas again as he goes by the nightstand I sit on. Then it just settles on me and seems to stay forever. Much better for my fan to be blowing, take it in all at once and blow it out quickly.

Then another lonely day starts.

The life of a CPAP is not fun. So appreciate what we do for you.

viewtopic.php?f=1&t=105023&st=0&sk=t&sd=a

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ChicagoGranny
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by ChicagoGranny » Wed Apr 22, 2015 1:02 pm

After 35 years of service in a small town, mailman George decided to retire. On his last day, he makes his usual rounds.

When he arrives at the first house, the whole family comes out, congratulates him, and sends him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they present him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house hand him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he is met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She takes him by the hand and leads him up to the bedroom, where she treats him to the most passionate sex he has ever experienced.

When they're done, they go downstairs, where she fixes him a great breakfast. As she pours him a cup of coffee, he notices a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he says, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she says, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'

But breakfast was my idea."

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ChicagoGranny
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by ChicagoGranny » Thu Apr 23, 2015 5:57 pm

OK, you want an honest politician to vote for? Then vote for Gil Fulbright. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wz_V4lRdtjo

Woody
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by Woody » Thu Apr 23, 2015 9:18 pm

I wonder what size mask he will take ?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/3 ... 42397.html

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ChicagoGranny
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by ChicagoGranny » Tue Apr 28, 2015 6:29 pm

For a change of pace, let's read a romantic story.
ELDERLY COUPLE TEXTING - VERY ROMANTIC

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon, the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message, and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.

If you are laughing, send me your smile.

If you are eating, send me a bite.

If you are drinking, send me a sip.

If you are crying, send me your tears.

I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet.....Please advise."

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Papit
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by Papit » Tue Apr 28, 2015 6:40 pm

Woops !

Johnny Smith worked in a pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his elbow in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Johnny to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Johnny came home from work very early. His wife, Janie, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. Johnny tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his elbow in the pickle slicer.


He went on to explain to her that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired. Janie gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact elbow. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?" Johnnie replied, "I think she got fired, too.

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Last edited by Papit on Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:51 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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palerider
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by palerider » Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:01 pm

Papit wrote:Yossele Zelkovitz worked in a Jewish pickle factory.
what's next, racist jokes?

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ChicagoGranny
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by ChicagoGranny » Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:12 pm

Yeah, that is not nice Papit. You should delete it.

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Papit
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Re: OT: Daily Funny bone

Post by Papit » Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:16 pm

ChicagoGranny wrote:Yeah, that is not nice Papit. You should delete it.
It's a joke. What part wasn't cool?

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