Dell Thinks I'm A Nuclear Terrorist . . .

[rocklin]

.

I wish I was kidding, but I'm not.


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FROM MY ARCHIVES:

A case study in:

1. Reality vs Perception
2. Dysfunctional Corporate Risk Management
3. Outsourcing
4. Cultural Miscommunication

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Monday, December 1, 2009, 4pm EST:

After receiving a "good for one day only" coupon from Dell, I place an online order with Dell for:

1) a monitor arm ($160)

2) an Inspiron computer ($549).


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THE WASH CYCLE

Tuesday, December 2, 2009

12:15pm EST: I get an email from Dell saying that the Inspiron computer has been purchased, but that the monitor arm was
rejected by my credit card company (American Express) as a "suspicious purchase".


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12:30pm EST. I call my Dell rep, "Jennifer" to resolve this. She isn't in and I leave a voice mail.

12:35pm EST. I need to leave for a number of business appointments, but decide to give a quick call to Dell's Home & Home Office department.

01:02pm EST. I reach a Dell sales associate after being on hold for 25 minutes.

Her English is poor and I have to ask her to repeat nearly every sentence so I can understand her.

She connects me to another department, one that modifies orders already placed.

I am placed on hold again.


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01:26pm EST. I reach an new associate, someone with (to my ears) an Indian accent.

When reviewing why my credit card rejected the monitor arm (it's still a mystery) as a "suspicious purchase",
I discover that Dell has raised my purchase price of the Inspiron by $90.

I am told that this is the price I agreed to (it isn't), and there's nothing that she can do to change it.

To resolve this issue, I must be connected to another department.


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1:45pm EST: by cell phone, I call the secretary in my first business meeting and, apologizing, tell her that I've been stuck on the phone,
and didn't realize I had missed my first appointment; would she apologize for me and push the next meeting back a bit?

1:51pm EST: I'm connected to a rather rude person at Dell.

He tells me that I've reached the wrong department and then . . . hangs up on me.


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RINSE, REPEAT

2:00pm EST. I call the first Dell number I tried. Again, I'm forced to navigate my way through the same phone tree and put on hold.

2:21pm EST. Again, I've reached the wrong department.

2:48pm EST. I reach the right department. I tell them to cancel the Inspiron computer.

No can do. Both the monitor arm and the computer (separate order numbers) must be cancelled together.

I'm put on hold again.

After 5 minutes, the line disconnects.


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MUSICAL INTERLUDE


A year ago, I suffered a heart attack, and now I'm under the care of a cardiologist.

He's told me that I must watch my blood pressure regularly, and, following his orders, I purchased a home blood pressure cuff.

I take a quick break to measure my pressure. My diastolic is the same, but my systolic is up 20 points.

I gulp down an aspirin, just to be safe.


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DRY CYCLE


I call the same first number.

I demand to speak to a supervisor.

I'm told that the supervisor won't be able to do anything for me.

We dicker about this for five minutes.

Finally, I'm put on hold for the supervisor.

After 15 minutes, the line disconnects.

I stare at the telephone in disbelief.


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HUNG UP TO DRY


I call Jennifer again. .Get her voice mail. .Tell her I'm ready to end any future relationship with Dell, please get back to me.

I dive back into the Dell phone tree.

I am old world Russian stock, 2nd generation. .I will not be defeated. .I will prevail.


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TWISTING IN THE WIND

Somewhere around 4pm, EST:

Again on hold for what now seems like forever.

Finally, I reach a seemingly intelligent Dell sales associate. .He cancels all my Dell orders, then together, we reorder the monitor arm on a different credit card.

Game over?

Not yet.

He must ask me a few questions after the sale:

HIM: "What do you intend to use the monitor arm for?"

ME: "Nuclear weapons development."

HIM: "Excuse me?

ME: "Just kidding. .It's been a long day."

HIM: "I have to put you on hold, I'll be right back."


Ten minutes pass.

I hang-up the phone, put on my coat, and head outside.

In NYC, it's a beautiful, crisp day.

I step into the light, take a deep breath and smile.


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CODA, PART 1


Yesterday, I got an email:

good day mr xxxx, I am writing to inform you that due to a comment that received part of you for the question when you realize that it uses for its order, there is a need for him to fill out and explain why he said that and send the letter of apologies to dell otherwise his accounts are going to be frozen , so please fill out the statement, and send it back to me to avoid your acounts with dell going to be frozen, thanks and have a great day.

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CODA, PART 2

Naturally, I reply:

Dear Mr. Herrera:

We find your email somewhat confusing.

1) You write: "I am writing to inform you that due to a comment that received part of you for the question when you realize that it uses for its order, there is a need for him"

Who is the "him" to whom you are referring?

2) You continue to write: "there is a need for him to fill out and explain why he said that". .Please clarify what it is you are referring to.

3) You further write: " send the letter of apologies to dell". .I'm not sure what I'm apologizing for, or to whom I'm apologizing.

4) Finally, in the only unambiguous sentence in your email, you write: "otherwise his accounts are going to be frozen" and "send it back to me to avoid your acounts with dell going to be frozen"



This seems a rather serious threat and we think the best course of action is for us to refer the matter to Dell corporate headquarters in Round Rock, Texas.

Typically, when matters are this serious, we like to talk to the owner/ CEO of the company in question, since they are in a position to resolve an issue as fast as possible.

Thus, we will place a conference call this Monday, December 8th, at 11 AM, Eastern Standard Time to Michael Dell, Chairman and CEO of Dell.

Please make yourself available to participate in that conference call; we're certain Mr. Dell will want to hear your side of the story.


Sincerely Yours,


Mr. xxx / Ms. XXX
Sig Intel
NYC

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CODA, PART 3

Today, a return email:

good day Mr. XXX / Ms. XXX, sorry about my previuos email, ok what i was tryied to tell you is:

due at the response that i received from you , when i made the question: what is the product be use for? you said: is for built nuclear weapons , and then you said you was kidding, and wants the product for personal use; this means i need to fill out a TCP form with the propuse you must be investigate by our Worldwide Trade and Compliance department, even if you were kidding, so i summited the request with this department and they told me you need to fill out an "End User Statement" explaining to us why you said this, and they needs one apologize from you for this kind of language, because is not tolerate even if you were jokingly, otherwise they will place you on the DDPL and freeze all your accounts.

sorry for the previuos email again and i hope this new email explain to you all the situation, thanks

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.

[ozze_dollar]

Are u sure u have a job?

[jabman]

Though I have not had quite that kind of trouble with dell, they have given me the run-a-round and have lost my business.

Why I used to smoke

I found this title a bit confusing for the topic, I was expecting to come here and read about quitting smoking. maybe because this is my second day of not smoking myself.

[Perrybucsdad]

Well, give a smart a$$ answer, and you should expect this. Besides, don't buy a Dell, they are made in hell.

[jamiswolf]

Quite a story Rocklin...

I ordered a Dell desktop from the Dell Ebay store.

I received an email saying that it had been back-ordered and that the FCC required them to give me the option of a cancellation.
So I cancelled it...not knowing when it might arrive.

And I went through a similar experience as Rocklin did, conflicting emails, telephone calls and chaos like you wouldn't believe.

Finally, about a month later, I received a paypal refund.

So no Dells in my future...
Jamis

[nanwilson]

My neice used to be the manager of the Canadian arm of the DEll call center until they outsourced it to India. She told me that if I have to call and get a foreign accented voice, all I have to do is tell the person "I want to speak to an english speaking service person in Canada............and they HAVE to transfer you to an english speaking person in Canada" This would also be the case un the U.S. By the way...this is the way its done for any call center that you need service from......if you can't understand what the person says, just tell them to immediately transfer you to an english speaking representative in the U.S. or Canada.

[jnk]

Not to alarm you, but . . .

My understanding is that jokingly claiming to be a nuclear terrorist can easily land you in a lonely mirrored room across the table from some people who are paid not to have a sense of humor. A dirty boxb in the middle of Manhattan is everyone's, and I do mean everyone's, number one worst nightmare, joke or no joke. Everyone covers his butt with that one. It ranks just above threats to POTUS, these days.

The request for an apology letter may be an attempt to get you to admit the joke in writing, much as you have already done here. Don't write down anything without legal help. And if that call was recorded, and even if it wasn't, you may need a good lawyer soon. (Not that a lawyer can do much good once the accusation of "making terroristic threats" has basically been admitted in a public forum, from some investigators' points of view, anyway).

Or maybe I'm all wet and my thoughts can safely be ignored.

[Perrybucsdad]

I have to agree with jnk on this. You may be in a HEAP of trouble (joke or not). I'd expect a visit from Homeland Security any time now if you haven't been visited by them yet. This is not something to joke around with, now would I find it at all amusing if I were the person on the end of the call that you told this to.

[M.D.Hosehead]

I can remember when "1984" was a satirical criticism of then-existing, totalitarian regimes. When the notion that one could be investigated by the dreaded secret police and "disappeared" following a careless comment or joke seemed a bizarre and alien impossibility. When the fact that people in totalitarian countries had to guard their tongues at all times, even in their own homes, was incomprehensible and horrifying to us.

Not saying it's like that here now---but it's more nearly so than it used to be. Everyone wants to be protected from terrorists, but there's been a price paid in the way we've gone about it.

[Perrybucsdad]

Not saying it's like that here now---but it's more nearly so than it used to be. Everyone wants to be protected from terrorists, but there's been a price paid in the way we've gone about it.

Oh come on Hose... pre 9/11 most people would have reported someone saying what Rocklin did above, same as someone would report someone who walks into a bank saying they have a gun yet don't show it. It's the implied threat. We are just more sensitive about it now.

[DreamLady]

Just after 911 I was sitting in the Indy airport when I saw a man with a clipboard, stopwatch, and binoculars sitting across from me. He was looking out the window with his binocs, writing down tail numbers on his clipboard, making anotations, and watching as planes took off and landed. After watching this for a few minutes, I started to wonder what was going on in light of recent events. I couldn't imagine terrorists would be operating like this in plain sight, but still.... The last straw was when he pulled out a cell phone and called someone and started reading off strings of numbers in what sounded like a foreign language.

I raced to the nearest security agent and reported what I had witnessed. She looked over at the man and coolly informed me that he was a 'plane spotter'. Evidently it is a hobby of some people to sit in airports 'spotting' planes and relaying sightings and statistics to other participants. I was dumbfounded to find that these non-passengers were allowed to 'loiter' in the departure areas in this security-conscious climate, while at the same time we were listening to recorded announcements advising us to notify gate agents of 'suspicious activity'. Just seemed weird to me.

[chunkyfrog]

No Dell!

[ems]

I haven't stopped belly laughing. I woke up minus a headache after having one for three days, got my coffee (w/ real cream), started reading this thread, and convulsed into laughter... partly because I've been there done that... with Dell!

Thank you for a great start to my day!

[moresleep]

I have to defend Rocklin on this one. He did not utter any kind of threat, and the Dell-outsourced-to-India version of Homeland Security is simply insane.

The exchange in questions was:

"HIM: "What do you intend to use the monitor arm for?"
ME: "Nuclear weapons development."
HIM: "Excuse me?
ME: "Just kidding. .It's been a long day."
HIM: "I have to put you on hold, I'll be right back."

Anyone who thinks that is a terrorist threat is nuts. Sure, the technically correct answer was "To hold a monitor"; but, the question was so stupid that a little humor in the reply--or cursing--was to be expected. Even post-911, I prefer humor. Even if one takes the reply "Nuclear weapons development" as a literal response, it still says nothing about terrorism. There are many Americans legitimately engaged in nuclear weapons development, and they are all on our side. It might be a bit grandiose for someone buying a Dell monitor accessory to claim to be one of them, but it's not a threat, without more.

I realize that post-911, it's fashionable to try to find ways to construe obviously innocent remarks as threats--every time an air traveller sneezes, you seem to have a flight attending running to the captain crying that she's "almost certain" he was really muttering "Death to the Infidels" in Arabic... But, let's keep our sanity. Rocklin's attempt at humor is just not the same as an airline passenger saying, "I have a bomb"; it's not the same as someone attempting to buy plutonium saying, "I need it to build a dirty bomb"; it's not even the same as someone saying, "I'm going to get that SOB president." Sorry, but it just isn't.

As for Dell, over the years I have bought many Dell products, wanting to support an American company. It's where I look first for anything computer-related. But, if Dell is outsoucing its security and common sense to beaurocrats in India, maybe it's time to rethink that one.

[jmcanzo]

The original post says this happened in 2009. This is now 2011. A lot of things may have changed at Dell. They have changed some of their outsourcing policies.