Depressed newbie saying hi

[Aprilmom07]

Well, last night was my first time sleeping with a machine at home. I suppose, all in all, it was successful. I went to sleep, waking a few times on and off, but kept the mask on until 5 am when I felt like I was suffocating. I had dreams, so I know I slept soundly. My husband said the difference with the machine is like night and day - no snoring or apnea. He was happy and rested.

I'm really struggling with this diagnosis and really am glad I've found this forum and see that there are so many people like me having the same emotions and experiences.

For some background, I'm a 42-year-old female, married five years with a young child. I could easily stand to lose about 20 to 30 pounds. About two months ago, as I was getting pre-tests for an upcoming surgery, my PCP was concerned about my rising blood pressure which wasn't responding to meds. A year ago, I had cried to her about exhaustion, depression, inability to lose the creeping weight, and a sense of being too old too soon. She sent me for a sleep study, apologizing that she hadn't sent me the year before.

Dreading it, the experience was not pleasant, and I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. I'm still learning what the study means, but it indicated my AHI was 34.6. RDI was high at 34.6.

So, here I am now, feeling depressed and ashamed, with my cpap machine. I don't want to even tell people about it! I feel like I "caused" this by unhealthy living, excess weights, too little exercise, etc. I know that I will be hooked to this damn machine forever, too. As much as I loathe this, I *will* do it because I want to be around for many, many years to see my daughter grow up.

I'm hoping to feel energetic again (less slug like), and I really, really hope that I will become a happier, less anxious/grumpy person. Right now, I'm reading this forum like crazy, trying to learn more, gain some of your optimism, and maybe learn to feel like I'm not suffocating when I try to exhale.

Thanks for reading this long, rambling hello.

[kempo]

Welcome to the forum. You have come to the right place so relax and take in the knowledge you can get from this forum. Do NOT feel ashamed about your OSA. Feel confident you have found the answer to your health problems. As a matter of fact tell your friends about your OSA. I would be willing to bet you know people who have the same health issues as you and they have no idea they need help from a xpap machine.

Good Luck!

[BlackSpinner]

Dreading it, the experience was not pleasant, and I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. I'm still learning what the study means, but it indicated my AHI was 34.6. RDI was high at 34.6.

So, here I am now, feeling depressed and ashamed, with my cpap machine. I don't want to even tell people about it! I feel like I "caused" this by unhealthy living, excess weights, too little exercise, etc. I know that I will be hooked to this damn machine forever, too. As much as I loathe this, I *will* do it because I want to be around for many, many years to see my daughter grow up.

Welcome!
No you didn't "cause" this. Drop that attitude and just focus on this very simple therapy with little side effects. Compare it to diabetes instead, but you only need to wear it at night, no testing, no shots during the day.

The most important thing is to verify that your machine can provide you with data that will help you optimize your therapy just like a diabetic tests to control their insulin. The other thing is a proper, comfortable mask. You need to be as fussy fitting your mask as you would a pair of shoes or good quality bra! You would buy neither without trying them on and checking out if they work for you!

[Tip10]

Several things you need to get your mind wrapped around, and, probably the quicker the better.

A) you did not cause anything -- OSA can have many, many causes ranging from obesity to the physiological structure of the throat and neck. To say you caused your OSA is akin to saying you caused your fingers to bend. You didn't and you needn't worry about it.

B) being overweight can contribute to OSA but by no means does that mean folks who aren't overweight don't have OSA -- there are a ton of folks on this board alone who aren't overweight but who definitely do have OSA. Losing the weight might help the OSA -- it might not -- but it will help your overall health so go for it (but don't stress over it).

C) treating the OSA very well may help the blood pressure situation.

D) CPAP cannot work miracles -- well, actually, IT CAN, but they don't happen overnight. Your body has built up a sleep deficit that needs to be paid -- some folks pay it quicker than others, some slower. After being on CPAP a while (how long depends...) you will start to feel better, feel more energetic and sleep better.

E) Being a parent of a now grown child I can easily attest to the fact that you WILL need all the energy you can to raise your young one -- UNtreated OSA will rob you of that. So, if for no other reason than your Kid's sake, go for it.

F) Over time you will get more comfortable with the machine and the whole issue. As you start to feel better it will become less of a burden and more of a God send.

G) Yeah, you might be hooked to the machine for the rest of your life. So what? MOST adults in this world are hooked to something -- be it glasses, contacts, hearing aids, meds, insulin, whatever -- we do it to improve the quality of our lives -- CPAP is no different.

H) You are starting off on the right foot LEARN, LEARN, LEARN everything you can about it. Learn what you can do to make it more comfortable, learn what you can do to make it more effective, learn what it does for you, learn how it affects you individually and then take what you learn and apply it to your situation. If a mask is uncomfortable TRY another, if you have issues with the humidifier CHANGE it, if you continue to have issues with a feeling of suffocation there are things you can do to change that. LEARN.

[nanwilson]

NO you did not cause this and you are not alone, there are 55064 (and counting) members on this forum...so you are 1 of many. Do not feel ashamed, you will be surprised at how many people that you know have this. I was surprised too, I knew of one friend that used cpap, then heard my neighbours son had it, then another friend, then one of the ladies I volunteer with............ the list expanded and expanded.
Just keep reading all the info here and you will get a great benefit and you will understand that we have all gone through what you are going through now. Take a stand to DO IT and you will win, this is just another bump in the road of life. You will make many friends here and we are all in the same boat, we have to use a cpap machine same as you.
Cheers and good luck in your quest to good therapy.
Nan

[KatieW]

Welcome to the forum. You're in a good place to learn from others who understand.

Looking back, I had untreated sleep apnea for at least 20 years, and have been on cpap 1 1/2 years now. I wish I had done it sooner, but no one diagnosed it, even though my hypertension had been creeping up. My energy, joy and creativity have returned, and yours will too.

[robysue]

As others have pointed out: You didn't cause the OSA by your lifestyle. So don't beat yourself up on that end.

And once you've adapted to CPAP, you may just find that you finally have the energy to do something about all those lifestyle issues rattling around in your head such as trying to be more active.

I know that I will be hooked to this damn machine forever, too. As much as I loathe this, I *will* do it because I want to be around for many, many years to see my daughter grow up.

The "need the machine forever" aspect of OSA is depressing. The way I have chosen to handle it is one night at a time. Rather than think about having to use my BiPAP for the next 30+ years that I hope to be around, each night, I make the decision to mask up just for tonight and I consciously choose NOT to worry about tomorrow night and the night after tomorrow night and the night after that, and all those nights stretching off to the rest of my life. I will deal with those nights when they get here.

And I also try to think about using the CPAP in much the same way I think about brushing my teeth: I know I'll brush my teeth every single day for the rest of my life too, but that doesn't bother me because it is a habit. So I've worked hard on trying to make masking up a daily habit. I'm not quite there, but I'm almost there. On many nights now when I'm putting the mask on, the brain is no longer thinking: "I hate this, but I have to do it anyway." On many nights now, the brain is simply thinking: "Straps not twisted? Check. Nasal pillows seated correctly? Check. Hose where I want it? Check. Turn machine on and turn out light and go to sleep? Check."

maybe learn to feel like I'm not suffocating when I try to exhale.

What's your pressure level? And have you turned on exhalation relief? It can make a big difference.

[jmcsmomma]

Hi there! I'm also 42, have six kids, and could stand to lose about 60 pounds myself.
I had bloodpressure issues beginning, 140s over the high 80s=low 90s and was taking atenolol for that, plus it was to help the palps I was having. I was exhausted, didn't sleep well at night, and had trouble with ankles swelling.
After about a week, I realized I wasn't swelling anymore, and my blood pressure was in the 118-125 over 60 and 70 something. I do still have palps, but now it's bc I stopped the atenolol to see how my bp would do.
You will love the way you feel once you get used to the machine.
Yesterday I was trying to nap with my 9 year old doing homework. He asked me to take off the mask, the noise bugged him. I guess I started to snore, cause he nudged me, and said he's rather hear the machine, lol.
I promise this will soon be just a routine thing to do at bedtime.

[Bluecat]

Hello!

I probably have had apnea since my teens. Although I snored and others heard the long pauses in breathing, I wouldn't admit it, especially because I was neither tired nor had any hypertension and I was afraid of being stuck with this machine all my life. All in all I was having an ostrich's attitude: sticking my head in the ground... and that doesn't protect from danger!
When I was finally forced to have a sleep study (requested by the aeromedical centre following blood tests for the renewal of my pilot's license that showed poor oxigenation), I wasn't really surprised by the result. The CPAP is therefore compulsory if I wish to keep my license, and there is no doubt I want to keep it!!
I therefore started the therapy with a strong will for it to work and found that I didn't find it difficult, it "just" needs getting used to and becoming a habit.
When you don't feel motivated, think of all the things you will be able to do because your quality of life is better.
Re the ashamed part, there is really no need to be ashamed. As Tip10 said, many many people are hooked to something in life, much more cumbersome in daily life than using a CPAP machine at night. My mother is a Type1 insulin dependent diabetic (following a very nasty virus to her pancreas in her twenties), she has to inject insulin several times a day, and check her blood sugar even more often. There is no way I would trade my apnea for her diabetes (and I hope to avoid the type II since I treat my OSA!). And I have talked with my colleagues about my apnea and the fact I use a CPAP, they were surprised (I am a hyperactive person!) but interested to know how it works. A colleague of mine who snores and has quite a few symptoms (waking up in the middle of the night gasping for air, headache in the morning) has decided to have a sleep study since I discussed this with her.
As a conclusion, looking into the future, I would rather see myself sleeping with a mask on my nose adn in my bed, than sleeping in a box underground without a mask!

[Aprilmom07]

Wow, thank you so much for the replies. You all are so supportive. Thank goodness I found this forum. I will be hanging out here a lot!!

Many thanks!

[Pugsy]

Welcome to the forum. You have already heard from the cheering section and I suspect you will hear more. I come from the technical section. As you read and learn (lots to do) you will find that many of us use software to monitor our data.
The machine you use has very limited data available on screen and not much help if problems develop or you are just curious.

There is software available. For purchase is the EncoreViewer patient oriented software $99 I think. Some of us use the clinical version of the software available called Encore Pro. It has its pros and cons. Available from, lets say a friend. Both are Windows based software but some with other OS have been able to manage to use it with various work arounds.

Forum member Jankintz has a wonderful tutorial about the software. In your readings you might take time to look it over. It will explain a lot and if you decide you want to use the software we can help.

http://maskarrayed.wordpress.com/ scroll way down the page and you will see the Respironics data tutorial.

With time this does get easier. It is difficult adjustment at first. Sometimes more mentally than physically, sometimes the other way around.

[idamtnboy]

So, here I am now, feeling depressed and ashamed, with my cpap machine. I don't want to even tell people about it! I feel like I "caused" this by unhealthy living, excess weights, too little exercise, etc. I know that I will be hooked to this damn machine forever, too. As much as I loathe this, I *will* do it because I want to be around for many, many years to see my daughter grow up.

You are reacting quite normally because you are dealing with a significant change in your life. Here's a document I've put together that might help you understand and deal with this.

Coping with Change for CPAP Patients

For those who have already read this, I've added a few words about bargaining.

[chunkyfrog]

Welcome, Aprilmom.
Not everyone has fast results; it takes a while to notice the improvement.
I've been on my machine since last April 15.
I still can't believe that 63 can feel this great!
I lost about 5-8 pounds just by sleeping better--gradually, since last April.
That in turn gave me the energy to tackle a weight loss program (low-carb)--all real food--no phony stuff.
I have lost an additional 21.5 pounds since January 17th.
I feel WONDERFUL!!!
I wish I had been diagnosed when I was your age.

[Pap Goat]

Do tell your friends. You will be surprised how many of them that may know someone who has it. And I found some that did! Its not a sin to have apnea its just the way it is. Congrats on getting it taken care of!

[Uncle_Bob]

I know that I will be hooked to this damn machine forever, too. As much as I loathe this, I *will* do it because I want to be around for many, many years to see my daughter grow up.

Hello and welcome.
You are at the start of a journey.
Your concerns are are common at this stage, and your attitude is admirable.

I hope you soon get to feeling the same way as i do now.

I know that i want to be hooked up to this miracle machine forever

Good luck
UB