Unofficial CPAP Glossary

General Discussion on any topic relating to CPAP and/or Sleep Apnea.
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mikemoran
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Unofficial CPAP Glossary

Post by mikemoran » Mon Oct 24, 2005 5:56 am

CPAP (Continue Pumping Air Please)
Bedside snore suppressor that beats being strangled by your bedmate.

AutoPAP
Like the above but knows what you need without asking.

BiPAP
This switch hitting machine that enjoys inhaling and exhaling equally.

VPAP (Very Polite Air Pumper)
One of the best mannered machines on the market. Turns down your bed and leaves a mint on your pillow.

XPAP
Your first blower that took all your insurance money, your hose and half your mask collection after you found a new bed partner.

DME (Distributor of Medieval Equipment)
An Antique dealer specializing in ancient therapeutic devices.

Insurance Companies
These benefactors subsidize the DMEs in the effort to bring historical artifacts into local bedrooms so all can enjoy.

Scrunchy
A medical device often misused for holding hair in place rather than its true purpose of securing hoses to walls.

Pantyhose
Criminal head wear that has reformed and now offers mask support to OSA sufferers as part of its community service.

OSA (Outstanding Sleeping Ability)
That misunderstood rare talent to provide soothing vibrations throughout the night for the whole house. Known for its non-syncopated gaps as the practitioners ponder what tune to play next for their captivated audiences. They are often shunned by society do to an effective smear campaign by the manufacturer of Magic Finger beds.

Sleep Lab
The ideal sleeping environment developed during the Spanish Inquisition.

Mask
Currently known as an interface, which was changed from its original self explanatory name of enter-face at Ellis Island when it emigrated from Spain.

Hose
A marital aid that vastly improved the delivery of CPAP therapy. Prior to its introduction there were scores of beatings as a result of spouses rolling over in their sleep with CPAP machines strapped to their heads.

Head Gear
Non-narcotic paraphernalia that should be illegal to sell in most states.

Titration
The dark art of determining how much air can be pumped into an individual before their head disconnects and whizzes around the room. This is not to be practiced by the un-initiated who have not learned all the mystical hand gestures necessary to control the demons of the air.

Clinician Manual
The ancient tome of the Titrator for unlocking the mystery of the menus resident on your CPAP. It most prevalent employment by DMEs is to supplement their incomes by selling it on Ebay.

Mouth Breathing
An aerobic exercise that tends to increase lip size much the same as collagen injections. Frowned on by CPAP users as they feel they are being blown up enough without them.


CollegeGirl
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Post by CollegeGirl » Mon Oct 24, 2005 6:19 am

You are ridiculously hilarious! (and I mean that in a great way!)

SLEEPYCD

Post by SLEEPYCD » Mon Oct 24, 2005 8:46 am

Silly Man Moran,
As always, thanks for the morning chuckle!!!!!!
CD

snoremonger
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Location: Enid, Oklahoma

Post by snoremonger » Mon Oct 24, 2005 9:10 am

Mike,

Do you have a job or is this your job?

Thanks for continually making me laugh!!!

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I think my DME hosed me. Well of course he did!



Don

SLEEPYCD

Post by SLEEPYCD » Mon Oct 24, 2005 2:41 pm

Silly Man Moran,
Snoremonger brought up good question. What do you do for a living???? Real answer, please, sleep deprived minds what to know!!!!!
CD

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peg
Posts: 133
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Location: Madison, Indiana

Post by peg » Mon Oct 24, 2005 3:17 pm

WooHoo! Life is good.
I get a little cocky when I am "NO LONGER TIRED"

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mikemoran
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Post by mikemoran » Mon Oct 24, 2005 3:34 pm

SLEEPYCD wrote:Silly Man Moran,
Snoremonger brought up good question. What do you do for a living???? Real answer, please, sleep deprived minds what to know!!!!!
CD
Hmmm a real answer I can do. However, a straight forward answer would not be my style. I will give you a hint only one is totally made up.

A drunk off the street who for a bottle of Ripple will join any focus group doing mask testing.

A former AOL game chat host who got booted for too many typos.

A middle management exec for a tech company devoted to sucking up as many of your tax dollars as possible.

A frustrated author who has found a receptive audience with the sleep deprived.

Someone who is clearly getting way more than his prescribed pressure.

LOL

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Oh 2 breathe
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Location: Ottawa, Ontario

Post by Oh 2 breathe » Tue Oct 25, 2005 4:21 am

I just wanted to say how much I enjoy your posts. Humour is such a great way to cope. You are a wonderful gem to have on this site!

~ OTB
"The best things in life are nearest: Breath in your nostrils, light in your eyes, flowers at your feet..." ~ Robert Louis Stevenson

SLEEPYCD

Post by SLEEPYCD » Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:22 am

Silly Man Moran,
As I suspected, a jack of all trades!!!! Thanks!!! May the snore be with you always!!!!
CD

Guest-Ramona

Re: Unofficial CPAP dictionary

Post by Guest-Ramona » Tue Oct 25, 2005 7:56 am

Re: "Guest" - can't log in at work.

I love your dictionary! I'm new to sleep apnea and think it's a howl to be called a hosehead! See how my sense of humor comes back with actual restful sleep!?! May I copy your dictionary and e-mail a few friends. I'll give you credit, of course.

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mikemoran
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Re: Unofficial CPAP dictionary

Post by mikemoran » Tue Oct 25, 2005 9:16 am

Guest-Ramona wrote:Re: "Guest" - can't log in at work.

I love your dictionary! I'm new to sleep apnea and think it's a howl to be called a hosehead! See how my sense of humor comes back with actual restful sleep!?! May I copy your dictionary and e-mail a few friends. I'll give you credit, of course.
No Problem. Just make sure you invite them to read the board and check out all the good stuff on CPAPtalk.com

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Wulfman
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Post by Wulfman » Tue Oct 25, 2005 9:34 am

Hmmm a real answer I can do. However, a straight forward answer would not be my style. I will give you a hint only one is totally made up.

A drunk off the street who for a bottle of Ripple will join any focus group doing mask testing.

A former AOL game chat host who got booted for too many typos.

A middle management exec for a tech company devoted to sucking up as many of your tax dollars as possible.

A frustrated author who has found a receptive audience with the sleep deprived.

Someone who is clearly getting way more than his prescribed pressure.

LOL

Mike,

Gee, this is a tough choice.....
I can picture a person (not necessarily you) who could be a combination of all of those you listed: A former AOL game chat hose who was a frustrated author.....became a drunken middle management exec who is NOW clearly getting WAY more than his prescribed pressure.....

I LOVE your writings!!! Keep it up!!! (drunk or not)

Best wishes,

Den

(4) REMstar Autos w/C-Flex & (6) REMstar Pro 2 CPAPs w/C-Flex - Pressure Setting = 12 cm.
"Passover" Humidification - ResMed Ultra Mirage FF - Encore Pro w/Card Reader & MyEncore software - Chiroflow pillow
User since 05/14/05

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SleepingBearDoNtWake
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Re: Unofficial CPAP Glossary

Post by SleepingBearDoNtWake » Tue Jul 19, 2011 2:53 pm

I don't know how I found this in my searches, but it is something that should be reposted, for the sake of our sanity!

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cflame1
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Re: Unofficial CPAP Glossary

Post by cflame1 » Tue Jul 19, 2011 3:41 pm

You think this post is good... so's his book

http://www.amazon.com/This-Book-Blows-B ... 668&sr=8-1

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Additional Comments: also have various other masks and a Legacy Remstar Auto Bipap with BiFlex

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rested gal
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Re: Unofficial CPAP Glossary

Post by rested gal » Tue Jul 19, 2011 4:41 pm

Yep, I bought his book, too. "This Book Blows" by Mike Moran.

He wrote a lot of "cpap" humor posts.

Mike sure put it into perspective -- his wacky-funny perspective.
S9 VPAP Auto - S9 Auto - BiPAP Auto - 420E auto - Everest 2. ResScan, EncPro & SL3.
Humidifier: F&P HC 150, Aussie heated hose.
Mask: Aeiomed Headrest/homemade straps.
ALL LINKS by rested gal:
http://www.cpaptalk.com/viewtopic.php?t=17435