Husband not supportive

[btesterman]

I am just beginning this journey and I hope you all won't get tired of my questions. I've done research but feel like I still know next to nothing at this point. I was diagnosed with OSA a week or so ago - stopped breathing 14.3 times per hour and 88% saturation rate (that's all I know at this point). I'm to go for the CPAP on Sunday night. The problem I have is that my husband has little faith in doctors (guess he thinks they're all out to make as much money as possible) and because he says he's never observed me not breathing he thinks this whole thing is a waste. He said last night he observed me for a long time and not once did I not have a steady breathing pattern. He says it is nothing to be concerned about. I asked him if he thought they falsified the results and he said no but I guess he feels that since I'm not gasping for breath (don't even wake up) it's no big deal and the whole thing is for a lot of people to make money off me. I don't have morning headaches, after a mug of coffee I feel fine until around noon then I go through yawning and very drowsy spells. The odd thing is that even though I feel like I want to sleep, I can't fall asleep for a nap and it takes hours for me to fall asleep at night. I guess once I go back to see my doctor I can get some documentation but for right now, even though he wouldn't forbid me to do this he thinks I'm over reacting to get the CPAP. I've read enough to know that OSA affects various organs and it is not just about how you "feel." I feel like it is an absolute blessing God provided when I found this group as you may be my only support.

[katherinefulmer]

I'm sorry to hear that you don't have the support of your husband on this one. This community is definitely the place to be for support, empathy and telling it to you straight.

CPAP is an expensive commitment. It does take time, adjustment, money and faith. You know, from your research, however, that paying for prevention is a lot cheaper than paying for the consequences of not being on CPAP later on.

Your husband may come around yet. The discovery of a health condition is difficult on both partners. He's facing a lot of questions and concerns himself with the news.

Could you put a tape recorder or video tape near you at night? Perhaps you could post the video here and get other CPAP users reactions and feedback. There may be others here who do not gasp for breath and could explain what is happening to you. You could also take the tape to your doctor (even your GP) and ask them, then you could explain it to your husband.

As the partner of someone with Sleep Apnea, you NOTICE the difference after treatment, even if you didn't know there was a problem to begin with. I hear it all the time from people - 'I didn't know I had a problem until I started on CPAP and felt a HUGE difference in my personality and energy level.' Maybe that's the case here.

Chin up. We're glad to have you.

[roster]

.....because he says he's never observed me not breathing he thinks this whole thing is a waste. He said last night he observed me or a long time and not once did I not have a steady breathing pattern. He says it is nothing to be concerned about. .......

Welcome to the club. After four years, my wife still considers it a "character issue". A hard copy of a study showing an AHI of 57, apneas over 90 seconds, and desaturations into the low 70s did not convince her.

Edited to add: After I made an appointment for the first sleep study, my wife told me, "I have been listening to you breathe in your sleep and you don't stop breathing."

It's a tough relationship problem, but taking control of your therapy is a priority. The group here will be happy to offer you support.

[KatieW]

I'm sorry you're not getting the support you need from your husband. Perhaps he is in denial about your health, or is reacting out of fear, or doesn't like change. In any case, take care of your health, as your 1st priority. This forum is a wonderful place to come for information and support. Stay connected here.

I have a friend who has sleep apnea, we call each other mask sisters. Can you seek out any support groups where you live?

[btesterman]

I'll have to agree that it seems strange that he never observes me not breathing normally. He has trouble sleeping so he is awake a lot. He says I snore mildly, I'm not obese although I'm somewhat overweight. I was sent for the sleep study because I have GERD. When my doctor suggested it I readily agreed to do it because I have gone through all the drowsy periods almost daily. I am not doubting test results but wonder how I can stop breathing 14.3 times an hour and my husband insist I'm breathing normally.

[roster]

....... I am not doubting test results but wonder how I can stop breathing 14.3 times an hour and my husband insist I'm breathing normally.

I was stopping 50+ times per hour for years and neither my wife nor myself knew it.

[sagesteve]

Know I shouldn't ask...but, what is your husbands age? OK?

[yasulh]

I'll have to agree that it seems strange that he never observes me not breathing normally. He has trouble sleeping so he is awake a lot. He says I snore mildly, I'm not obese although I'm somewhat overweight. I was sent for the sleep study because I have GERD. When my doctor suggested it I readily agreed to do it because I have gone through all the drowsy periods almost daily. I am not doubting test results but wonder how I can stop breathing 14.3 times an hour and my husband insist I'm breathing normally.

The majority of my events are hypopneas rather than apneas. In other words, I don't stop breathing, but I am not breathing efficiently. It may be that this is the case for you as well. Your husband would not notice a difference because you don't technically stop breathing, but you are not getting enough oxygen to get true rest. You may want to pull some information for your husband on hypopneas, as well as the risks of sleep apnea going untreated. Maybe that will help. If it doesn't, I say still hang in there. I have been on a CPAP now for just over two months, and it has made a world of difference for me!

[rise&shiner]

I hope that some of the suggestions you have gotten so far you try. Probably the most effective for me was recording me sleeping and that was a real eye opener.
Your husband could have the same problems and so he is in real denial.

Also OSA has become the disease du jour and so for some it is hard to take it serioulsy. Maybe taking him with you to the doctor and having the doctor review the results of your sleep test, will have more of an impact on him. If your sleep center video taped your study you might be able to view it there as well.

We are here for you and we understand!

[katherinefulmer]

Thanks Yasulh, great recommendations.

definition: wiki/index.php/Hypopnea

What can happen to you if you don't treat Sleep Apnea?
Source: wiki/index.php/Sleep_Apnea#Possible_Risk_Factors

• COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease), asthma

• heart abnormalities, stroke

• high blood pressure that doesn’t respond to medication

• acid reflux or GERD

• diabetes

• bruxism (teeth grinding)

• insomnia

• adult bed wetting

• irritability, mood changes, anxiety, depression

• procrastination, difficulty acting on plans or finishing projects, diminished work performance

• social withdrawal, neglected relationships

• less interest in sex, sexual dysfunction

• persistent recurring dreams of struggle and failure

• the ability to fall asleep two or three hours after getting up in the morning, and/or long naps in the afternoon, and/or sleeping nine or more hours a night

[tattooyu]

I am obese, although not morbidly so. I'm "cuddly".

I hardly ever snored, and when I did it was light and didn't really correspond with my apneas (as far as my wife could tell). I'm 36 now and have been on xPAP therapy since February 2009. I stopped breathing around 40 times per hour. The only reason I was even alerted to a problem was the handful of times I woke up gasping, bolting out of bed with my heart racing.

The difference that therapy makes is truly astounding. Maybe he'll become a believer AFTER you've started recovering when he sees the difference in your attitude and energy levels?

BTW, I also have reflux but not all the time. The nights where I know it's bad, I tend to have more hypopneas (shallow breathing) and not apneas (stopping breathing). Perhaps you have some reflux-induced apnea caused by nighttime airway constriction from the GERD. I believe GERD can cause a type of asthma. I sleep on a MedSlant pillow designed for reflux, which allows me to elevate my head without elevating the whole bed. It definitely helps.

Welcome to the board, and don't give up on your therapy. Your husband may not totally come around, but just gently tell him that you need to do it anyway.

Edit: I often, but not always, take a Pepcid before I go to bed and that helps, too.

[silence of the hams]

Sounds like he’s being a bit insensitive and probably doesn’t realize it; I know for years I didn’t even think my own condition was a big deal. If it weren’t for my wife’s persistence I would’ve never sought help for it.

[BlackSpinner]

Ignore the .... Get on cpap, get back in control of your life and health and get a divorce. You don't deserve someone who isn't interested in preventing you from having a stroke, a heart attack, diabetes and just basically having a life.

Remember lack of breathing = lack of oxygen for your vital organs, sleeping badly and tiredness is just a presenting symptom of a huge problem. Kind of like the Titanic and the ice berg.

[btesterman]

My husband is 62, I'm 63. I will definitely take my husband with me when I do see my doctor. That still may not convince him but the doctor may have information that would help him understand why he isn't observing anything and that although I'm between mild and moderate in severity, it is still not something that is wise to ignore. Right now my husband just said that if I'd just do breathing exercises (plus aerobic exercising) that I wouldn't have to use the CPAP - like he knows so much about it. It is just hard to have this going on between us at a time when I'm discouraged about it all to begin with and need the support. He says he will support me - meaning DO whatever I ask, but mentally he is so nonbelieving. I have my health to consider so I'll forge on regardless. Maybe once I start the CPAP I'LL be full of energy and want sex all the time and then he'll become a believer. (riiiiiiiight!)

[DreamOn]

Hi btesterman,

We all have many questions when we begin this CPAP journey. And there is an adjustment period too. As others have pointed out, almost all of your breathing events may be hypopneas, which are more difficult to observe. That is certainly the case for me. I have AHI and oxygen saturation numbers about the same as yours, although my hourly event numbers are much higher when I'm on my back. Also, apnea events occur during REM sleep more often, so it's possible that your husband is actually in deep or REM sleep during the same times you are, so he would not observe your labored breathing.

It is not "normal" to feel drowsy starting in the early afternoon. To me, that indicates that you are not getting refreshing sleep during the night.

Sometimes we need to seek support from people who truly DO understand what we're going through. That's why I come to this forum. My husband is a great guy, but he really has no idea what it's like from personal experience to live with the effects of sleep apnea.

I noticed improvement in my daytime alertness and ability to focus on tasks right away. Before CPAP I wasn't able to think very clearly at all. I feel SO much better! I think that's making me a better companion. Perhaps with treatment you will see improvement on many levels, and your husband will enjoy the benefits of the "new you". I hope you give it a try and see if it improves the quality of your life. Get copies of your sleep studies so you get a full understanding of your situation, and keep learning.

Best wishes to you,

DreamOn

(Edit: I realized later that some of my comments may not be received in the helpful spirit that I had intended, so I removed them.)