One Snozz Fits All (Humor)

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 5:36 pm

Well I have been at this CPAP thing for quite some time now and have come to the conclusion that maybe it is just not for me. Oh I don’t mean I should give up therapy, just that clearly I wasn’t designed properly to meet the mask manufacturer’s standards. I think I have tried all the masks now and I always seem to have something go wrong. The mask fits but the headgear is too tight. Everything feels good but just can’t seem to stop that one little whistle. Don’t get me started about my oh so sensitive nares. Yes, I might just be suffering from “Seinfeld Syndrome”, always got to find something wrong with a mask, but I really think it is my nose.

Seems like I am left with only one option to explore; Surgery. No, not the dreaded CPAP alternatives, like cropping my uvula or clipping my septum. I’m talking about real plastic surgery, the kind that involves nylon and polypropylene. The way I figure it, if my nose is shaped just like the ones the manufacturer’s design to I will have the perfect fit. As near as I can figure, it is probably a cross between Nicole Kidwell’s and Paris Hilton’s. Not sure it will go well with my beard, but anything to improve my health.

Maybe I won’t need a complete replacement. I have been kind of leaning towards nostril implants. I hear the recovery time is less but can’t decide between saline or silicone. I’ve been looking in the gardening section at Home Depot and have been wondering if they make those quick connect couplers just a little bit smaller. The bright green might not go well with my complexion, but think of the convenience.

After I decide what I’m going to have done, then it is just a question of who will do it. If my insurance will cover part of it, I know I can find some Plastic Surgeon to perform the necessary nose enhancement. I wonder if they take Blue Cross in Brazil? If out of pocket, I guess I can go to One Eyed Al’s Tattoo and Piercing Emporium. He has this picture of a guy with these fantastic horns. Not sure if it is his work, or just his cousin from Nevada. Guess I have to ask.

I just might be on to something. Just think, a leak-less delivery system without any headgear. With the added benefit of getting oohs and ahs from the patrons of any biker bar. Yep, just have to remember to disconnect for that nightly tank draining. Pretty sure the CPAP would win the tug of war no matter how much I beefed up my nose. Well, I will check back with you in a few months after the swelling goes down.

rested gal · Post by **rested gal** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 6:00 pm

Hah! (and hahaha)

You mean it to be funny, but I know better, Mr. Moran! You stroll through Home Depot and Lowe's, acting like you're a man on a household mission. But you DO find yourself pausing at the small stuff just like I do.

Fingering tiny couplers, pieces of foam, odd shaped thingies. The thought crossing your mind, "Hmmm, I wonder if....."

I'm sure I've seen you skulking around the hosiery and lingerie sections of a not-to-be-named department store, too!! Same one snork1 used to frequent. Putting on an unconvincing "Oh, I'm just waiting for my wife..." act.

Cover it with humor all you want -- you're an inveterate lab rat!

P.S. I've already tried Brazil. But perhaps a pair of carefully sanded Brazil nut shells might reshape the schnozz nicely.

Craig-Tx · Post by **Craig-Tx** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 6:02 pm

Sadly I've already seen a picture of the necessary implants...

http://webpages.charter.net/craigmanning2/interface.jpg

Amazing how far piercing has gone.[/url]

JZ · Post by JZ » Wed Mar 07, 2007 8:35 pm

Thanks for the laughs, Mike. We all need that and we all can relate.

Night before last, my nasal pillows leaked ALL night long. Then, last night, I don't think I had a single leak. I wondered if my nares are changing shape on me from day to day. I'm thinking that since last night went so well, I should have applied polyurethane to my nares first thing this morning to preserve that perfect shape.

DivinMercy · Post by **DivinMercy** » Wed Mar 07, 2007 10:37 pm

Craig-TX....(oh, h*** no!!! That is unbelievable!!)) The possibilities are endless....although pappers would really stand out, wouldn't we

JZ...VERY nice one

Mike- just make sure you go with the saline, which can be absorbed by the body if they burst....oh wait a minute, that's another part of anatomy altogether...

Blessings...

-Mary

Bones · Post by **Bones** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 4:24 am

Mike,

It's not often I laugh this early in the morning. Kinda spooky how well RG has your number.

Thanks
Brian

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 8:49 am

RG,

What can I say, you got me pegged. The only difference between you and me is I consider permanent changes when browsing. Just one step away from vivsection. LOL I think I figured out how to use that hose coupling. what do you think about converting to a "Uni-Nostril"?

Graig,

Just what I need, a leaky nose to go with my masks.

JZ,

Be careful, remember the great Vaseline debate. But I do like the way you think. Might I suggest fiberglassing to retain that perfect shape.

puffing billy · Post by **puffing billy** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 12:30 pm

Mike
Why don't you take the bull by the horns and offer to be a nostril male model for the mask manufacturers and cure the problem at source?

Billy

Bones · Post by **Bones** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 4:00 pm

Mike
Why don't you take the bull by the horns and offer to be a nostril male model for the mask manufacturers and cure the problem at source?

Billy

But then the masks wouldn't fit the rest of us.

frete50 · Post by **frete50** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 4:26 pm

You could always go to the nearest bowling alley and have the guy in the pro shop install fingertip inserts.

Becky

bast · Post by **bast** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 6:07 pm

oh my,

this is my kind of place! since childhood i've always wanted those Maori tattoos on my face, (but they wouldn't look good with my freckles). now i realize that i could incorporate a nose-hose-outlet into the scheme for even better effect!

thanks for the laughs - they are keeping me going right now.

el
(aka Bast, the Perfumed Protector of Cats)

blarg · Post by **blarg** » Thu Mar 08, 2007 6:10 pm

I just want the tongue piercing headgear for the Oracle. It'd be a lot more secure.

JohnMudie · Post by **JohnMudie** » Fri Mar 09, 2007 2:48 am

In these days of artificial limbs, hip replacements etc , there may be another approach, Nasal Implants (patent applied for). Manufacturers of masks could convene in a new standards organization (ISCHNOZZ) and define three standard noses, Small, Medium and Large. Masks would be built to fit one of these standard industry approved noses. Then we would go off to our local plastic surgeon and request a Nose Implant thus creating a whole new branch of medical expertise, Nasal Implantology. The surgeon would install our new nose and, after a brief struggle with scars and healing, we would proudly go out into the public with our new fashionable industry approved nose.
Having a Nose Implant offers a lot of wonderful possibilities. The nose could be built with special drain ports to be used during times of colds. It could have a BlueTooth connection so people with BlueTooth capability could know what you are smelling at any time. And then of course nasal recognition ability could be a feature so that when you rubbed noses with the right person, you would receive a nice invigorating shock to know that you have found the right person.
Nasal Donation (patent applied for) could be another approach. People who were successful in doing Xpap, could will their noses to be transplanted on their death. Upon their death, the nose could be transplanted to a person who wanted to use the kind of mask that the nasal donor had been using. This approach would fall nicely into the current Medical Expertise of Organ Donation and create another Medical Speciality of Nasal Transplantation. People in India and China could make money by selling their noses to the wealthy in developed countries.

John M

mikemoran · Post by **mikemoran** » Fri Mar 09, 2007 6:55 am

John,

Actually the manufacturers already have a standard. Its only a single size nose, that they give three different names. In the industry they refer to them as leaky, leakier and leakiest. LOL

puffing billy · Post by **puffing billy** » Sat Mar 10, 2007 3:07 pm

If you had circular implants fitted that mated up to a tube with an O ring and a quick connect/disconnect mechanism you would'nt even need a mask.
You just clip em in and out.

Billy

Machine	Mask	Humidifier

Additional Comments: Getting tired of feeling exhausted so often during the day and having to nap

One Snozz Fits All (Humor)

One Snozz Fits All (Humor)

The next CPAP interface.

re: body modification

Other approaches: Nasal Implants and Nasal Donation