Singles, XPAP obvious at night

[blarg]

I'm 23, and I must say, someone hiding CPAP equipment from me in an attempt to be "normal" would put me off very quickly.

Let's analyze. You already trust this man enough to let him sleep in the same bed as you. Are you really asking very much of him if you ask him to accept you as you are?

To me it sounds like you're much more worried about the effect his accepting your equipment will have on YOU than you are about the effect on HIM. If you accept your mask/machine as simply a part of your life, then they will be. I'm not a psychologist, but it sounds to me like you still don't like the idea of sleeping with this every night and are doing everything to convince yourself and those around you that you won't be on CPAP eventually. (Now, some medical miracle treatment may come along for you, but until then....)

It's such a small thing in the scheme of life! You put this thing on so that you can rest. It's not selfish, horrible, or anything of the sort. Accept that YOU'RE WORTH IT and move on with your life.

And if he really does get up screaming because you're allowing yourself the privilege of BREATHING at night, then you know he didn't have your best interests at heart anyway.

To play devil's advocate here, he's GONNA find out, one way or another, or the two of you will eventually break up. It will happen. He's sleeping next to you. Would you rather it be an issue of "Why did you hide this from me? Do you really have that little faith in me?" or "Thanks for sharing this and trusting me."

[Jeanie821]

Thank you so much for posting this. I'm single, and I know that one day this may be an issue for me.

I just wish that my uncle Joe had seen this. His fiancee moved in with him in August of 2005, and he discontinued using his CPAP because, as he put it, "it scares her". He died April 22, 2006 of heart failure brought on by untreated OSA. He was 47 years old.

This is why, no matter what, I'm not discontinuing my CPAP treatment for anyone or anything, unless my pulmonologist specifically directs me to do so.

[Wolfmarsh]

Here is my take.

You would rather find out now if the person is shallow enough not to care about you because of a device you wear at night, versus dying just to try to be someone you arent.

[rested gal]

You haven't lived until you've been arrested at "Lincare", for trolling for dates, in the waiting room. Jim

ROTFL!!!

And at this....

Are you kidding? The first thing I do after... well, you know ... is throw on the mask and tape my mouth shut. You see it's always been awkward for me to find a polite and cordial way of saying "please leave now, don't call or ask my name." That is until CPAP entered my life. Now, I just mask up and she's gone so fast that she leaves a hole in the air where she was standing.
Of course, every now and then, I'll have a girl get that look in her eye like I just did something incredibly erotic by masking up. It's those rare times that I'm the one who is running like hell--hose tape and all.

[cwsanfor]

Granted, I'm old, and married, and that may disqualify me from having an opinion you would value, but it always amazes me that people think anyone would be other than pleased that a potential partner was taking care of their health, unless they were looking for someone who was wounded.

I'm not bashing the original poster, or anyone else, just expressing my amazement. It's not like you can't take the rig off if you want to, umm, have a conversation during the night, or like you have to have the rig on when you're awake, and it's not like you aren't doing the best thing possible for your health. I see it as being similar to being a diabetic: would you want to not disclose that to a potential partner? Doesn't make sense to me. I say get the losers out of there, and move on to better opportunities.

[tomjax]

[quote="leaveye"]Are you kidding? The first thing I do after... well, you know ... is throw on the mask and tape my mouth shut. You see it's always been awkward for me to find a polite and cordial way of saying "please leave now, don't call or ask my name." That is until CPAP entered my life. Now, I just mask up and she's gone so fast that she leaves a hole in the air where she was standing.
Of course, every now and then, I'll have a girl get that look in her eye like I just did something incredibly erotic by masking up. It's those rare times that I'm the one who is running like hell--hose tape and all.

[ozij]

or do you hide it until you get to know and trust your date?

I guess what we're saying is: "Show it, in order to get to know and trust your date".

O.

[Jeanie821]

[quote="tomjax"][quote="leaveye"]Are you kidding? The first thing I do after... well, you know ... is throw on the mask and tape my mouth shut. You see it's always been awkward for me to find a polite and cordial way of saying "please leave now, don't call or ask my name." That is until CPAP entered my life. Now, I just mask up and she's gone so fast that she leaves a hole in the air where she was standing.
Of course, every now and then, I'll have a girl get that look in her eye like I just did something incredibly erotic by masking up. It's those rare times that I'm the one who is running like hell--hose tape and all.

[cwsanfor]

Are you kidding? The first thing I do after... well, you know Embarassed... is throw on the mask and tape my mouth shut. You see it's always been awkward for me to find a polite and cordial way of saying "please leave now, don't call or ask my name." That is until CPAP entered my life. Now, I just mask up and she's gone so fast that she leaves a hole in the air where she was standing.
Of course, every now and then, I'll have a girl get that look in her eye like I just did something incredibly erotic by masking up. It's those rare times that I'm the one who is running like hell--hose tape and all.

Leaveye, you are a wicked individual, without Common Sense, Fear of the Lord, or Concern for the Magistrate. That's what I like about you.

"Leave a hole in the air?" Where do you get this stuff?

[Guest]

Anyone you're dating who expresses ANY negativity about the condition or the equipment (other than brief indications of surprise, which are normal), gets jettisoned immediately. Life is too short to waste time with such people.

That's my policy. And yes, it can weed out the suboptimal candidates. Although you really ought to have done that weeding yourself before they get into your bedroom, or bedroom discussions begin, anyway....

A condition with large impacts on a relationship is different (example: permanently paralyzed person), and I can see a potential new partner having some problems with that... but OSA? Properly treated it has zero impact on one's everyday life and relationships, aside from having to use the equipment (big deal). So if somebody balks at that, dump them, plain and simple.

[birdshell]

This is the same issue that has always occurred to me in the pushme-pullyou of divorced parents involved in custody battles. Then there are also the parents who make pawns of their children.

My parents divorced when I was 17, in 1970. (For those already calculating, I'll save you some time: I am 54.) They would each still tell you about the good traits of the other, and that the other gave them some important gifts and support. (BTW, they were always a united front before the divorce, and pretty much the same way afterward.)

So, if you are going to expose yourself and your psyche to someone, shouldn't they have ALL of the good qualities that you would require in a mate? If you disagree with this, then why would you bother to even acquire an xPAP machine and use it, let alone to read this forum?

Honestly, I think of xPAP as the ultimate screening device; maybe those without apnea could use masks at no pressure for the same purpose? Look out, and don't discard those old masks that no longer seem to work. There may be a market for them! (I figure the machines are a different story, as one can always hook up to the vacuum cleaner hose.)

And that begs the question: When will we get hoseless xPAP?

[racefan]

I am married(25 years next week!) But, I personally would be startled if I woke up in the middle of the night & saw someone hosed up & did not have prior warning. I say if they can't handle it don't let the door hit their butt on the way out.

[drummergirl410]

I haven't deallt with this for CPAP specifically yet. However, my experience with my near blindness have taught me a lot about handling things like that. I am already percieved as "different" the moment anyone sees me walking by with my cane or finding the right floor on an elevator by reading the braille. It's something I've always lived with and I've become quite adept at helping people who are not comfortable around me at first. It's a skill that is learned over time. I also take multiple meds and injections. I've drawn the conclusion that once you start inviting a potential significant other into your home, you really don't have room to hide anything. This is very true if it's going to be an intimate encounter. I vow that as soon as I start to realize that a relationship might become serious, I would sit down and level with him. If this is something they are going to be uncomfortable with on the long haul, then clearly it isn't meant to be. Another thing that I think will play in my favor is that I have committed myself to save intimate relationships until marriage. This way the man will get a chance to know me on a long-term basis first and chances are, things like that would have already come up in the process. But that's just a judgment call on my part, not necessarily the only way to go about it.

I've found that appropriately used humor coupled with explanations on the what's, why's and how's can go a long way toward helping the other person understand and accept the differences. In the blindness field, we call things like that "alternative tachniques". A CPAP is simply an alternative technique for breathing at night. And I'm sure very few can keep a straight face if you put on your mask and mimmick Darth Vader's most famous line... "Luke, I am your father."!

[jennmary]

I am 26 and single. I am also an overweight single parent....not like there is a whole lot going for me there. Then I throw CPAP into the mix. Trust me I worry. I was seeing someone for a while....then went on a romantic getaway for the first time since starting CPAP. We were not sexually active, as we were not seeing each other that long and I just didnt feel ready for that yet. But we have several times spent the night together. So we go on this trip. He acted really cool about the CPAP. Then I didnt hear from him again. Been 2 weeks now, and not a single call. So I guess in my case the worry was warrented.

I do hope to someday find someone worth having around. But I do think it is common to be worried or even embarassed.

[Goofproof]

I am 26 and single. I am also an overweight single parent....not like there is a whole lot going for me there. Then I throw CPAP into the mix. Trust me I worry. I was seeing someone for a while....then went on a romantic getaway for the first time since starting CPAP. We were not sexually active, as we were not seeing each other that long and I just didnt feel ready for that yet. But we have several times spent the night together. So we go on this trip. He acted really cool about the CPAP. Then I didnt hear from him again. Been 2 weeks now, and not a single call. So I guess in my case the worry was warrented.

I do hope to someday find someone worth having around. But I do think it is common to be worried or even embarassed.

So you are saying XPAP blew him away. In our relationships we are uneasy, but face it, everyone has baggage, as time goes on we have more and more. It's getting so I need a Semi to carry mine around, when the right person comes along the baggage doesn't matter. Jim

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