OT: Need prayers

[chunkyfrog]

When your elderly parent complains, you just agree.
. . . "I didn't, etc; I am horrible; you've done everything, blah, blah"
You don't have to mean it because they don't really mean it either.
It's just emotions and confusion--they need the lip service, but it means nothing, so don't take it personal.
It's like a little verbal aspirin, makes them feel a little better, for a while.
Sometimes an extra hug will make you both feel better.
Sadness, fear, and pain makes a rough road to travel.
I'm sending my hug your way.

[bwexler]

I have been through it with my wife's folks. When they discovered their other daughter had relieved them of all their money, they both had a stroke. When they got out of the hospital we moved them accros country to live with us.her mom survived 3 years until she was 93 and dad 6 years, also to 93. At the end he went blind, then he would lay on the floor and complain about falling while on the floor.
They never had any love or respect for me until they moved into our house.

There are respite programs available in the US to allow the caregivers some time to recuperate. I don't know what is available in Edmonton.

We are starting the next cycle with her 80 year old brother who is competing for the title of world champion complainer.
Maybe we need to get him together with your folks so they can learn from each other. He would not be so bad if he would actually do something to help himself. He refuses to keep food in his house and regularly decides to skip his meds. Then complains that he doesn't feel well or can't go to the bathroom. We need to drive 60 miles to help him, now! And if we don't we don't care and he might as well die. That was actually one of his mothers favorite statements for over 30 years.

I sure hope you and I never arrive at that stage of life. I would rather live long and prosper until my time is up, para phrasing Spock.

[Elle]

I am sending some healing thoughts and hope that you find a resolution with the social worker tomorrow. I agree about the dementia. All of this can really take a toll on your health so I hope they find a way to give you a break.

I think talking about it helps too so vent away.

[robysue]

BlackSpinner,

My heart goes out to you. You really are between a rock and a hard place. I sincerely hope that the case worker comes up with some viable strategies and quality help for you in this very difficult time in your life.

You and your parents are in my prayers.

Robysue

[HoseCrusher]

Positive thoughts and prayers headed your way. It sounds like you are doing everything you need to do and now have to wait to see the results of the evaluation.

I might suggest that you start the day by looking into the mirror and stating out loud that you are a good person. You are caring for your parents because you feel it is the right thing to do. There is no guilt involved. In spite of any offhanded comments to the contrary, you are a great and strong person. While it is unfortunate you have to endure some abuse, understand that it is only temporary. Eventually your parents will die...

Having endured the death of my parents I will add that I think it is much better to endure some abuse than to try to comfort the "parent sized" hole in your heart that a death brings.

Head up, smile on your face, and ready to tackle the challenges the day brings.

[postitnote]

All you can do is what you are doing. Just know that your father is probably not really aware he is being abusive. People that suddenly become that way with age are usually in some sort of emotional turmoil. Don't take anything personally! Shrug it off but above all make sure you take time for you!!!

[MagsterMile]

So many of the comments have been 'spot' on. It is hard not to be hurt by a parent's unkind comments. Sometimes, they just can't help what they are saying to you. My mom has been gone 10 years now and not a day goes by where I don't think about her. Still much sadness as I miss her and the great talks we used to have. Try to let stuff roll off your back and by all means find a 'care-give support' group that you can join. Now I frequently go to lectures on Alzheimers and see so much of what my mom was starting to go through. Go and learn as much as you can about dementia. My mother had actually been diagnosed with pulmonary fibrosis and lived for about 18 months after that. So you see, she was dealing with oxygen deprivation plus the early dementia. I was glad that I could be there for her.

[BlackSpinner]

So I had a good 2 hour meeting with the case manager and assistant. They will send dad for "geriatric assessment" and they are looking at getting me more support. I won't hear more details until some time next week. But at least I feel something is being done.

I live in Alberta so all this is part of the medical system. I get caregivers that take care of all the personal stuff for them like dressing and washing. I also get two 2 hour and a 4 hour respite coverage per week. I don't have to worry about costs for that, it is all covered and so is all their medical stuff. Most of the 2 hour ones are taken up with shopping and medical appointments. The 4 hour one I take my sister out and we have dinner and do some shopping.

[The Choker]

Good to hear this encouraging update Spinner. I hope good relief comes quickly.

We have gone through something tough like this with three parents.

8 years - my mother with dementia before passing (probably due to sleep apnea)
8 years - my wife's mother with dementia before passing (due to stroke - would not take BP medication and payed dearly for it)
Nearly 3 years - my wife's father with dementia, 90 years old and in bad shape. (Fell off scaffolding at 87 and suffered brain damage.)

Father-in-law, nearly 91, is drugged to prevent violence.

[nanw]

I just got my nurse granddaughter to read your posts as she works in a seniors facility and I thought she could give you some input. She says you are doing exactly the right thing by getting your dad assessed and more than likely into local facility. She also said that you are not to blame for any of this, its not your doing in any way.... to try and get away as much as possible until this is all resolved to the good. YOU(especially you) and your sister need the break to get back on track and away from this toxic situation, your dad has NO CLUE he is being this way, its all part of the age and disease. In any case our thoughts and prayers are on the way from the southern corner of the province to you............ try to RELAX and keep a smile on your face, it does help.
Cheers
Nan

[BlackSpinner]

And he is completely refusing to pay the bills unless he gets his way. Not going to happen. It actually gives me more ammunition.

I have an appointment with the bank for Monday morning and I am calling the lawyers first thing as well as the case worker.

I am chewing painkillers for the headaches, antacids, and increasing my asthma meds. Gravol works to help me sleep - sort of. But of course the time change was a lot of help - not! Getting up an hour early was just lovely.


Oh and my cat is sick too, his diabetes is not responding to the insulin. I expect any day to wake up with a dead cat in my bed because at this point he is a fur sack with bones inside.

[chunkyfrog]

The cat may know you have enough on your plate, so sad your furry companion is failing, too.
Froggie hug for you.

[palerider]

Froggie hug for you.

and from me too, though not froggie, alas.

[tuzacat]

So sorry for your troubles! We are starting to see some issues with my parents and it is very hard to determine exactly what to do. Some folks with dementia have figured out ways to hide their issues so it becomes more difficult to diagnose. It sounds as if you are starting to get some support - thank goodness! My best to you!

[Nick Danger]

I am sorry, I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Your dad is also just trying to find a way to cope - it may be dementia related, it may be stress from knowing he is losing his life partner, it may just be crotchety old man syndrome (j/k... there isn't any such thing...). I know this doesn't make your burden any easier to bear and the feelings you and your sister have are entirely valid and reasonable. You are such a wonderful person to be of such service to your parents and your sister in their times of extreme need. Remember that you can't possibly do it alone and you need to find ways to take breaks - otherwise you'll burn yourself out and not be emotionally available for any of them.

Wishing you strength