OT: Need prayers

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Starlette
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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by Starlette » Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:20 pm

Hi BS,

If you recall, I had a very bad year in 2012. Part of which, I spent 6 weeks living with my parents: Dad - End stage liver disease; Mom - 6 weeks of shingles.
I had driving restrictions due to my own health problems, so I couldn't go anywhere. Anyway, I created a post about caring for the caregiver.
OT: Caring for the Caregiver
I reread it and could actually fill the hugs from folks and the kind words that I received. Anyway, I am inviting you read the posts.
What I want to say is going to have to wait til tomorrow. I'm about ready to fall over onto my keyboard. (NOTE: I have done it before!)

((Huggs))
Starlette

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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by idamtnboy » Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:55 pm

Blackspinner, I'm so sorry to read of your troubles. I know it sounds awfully trite, but all you can do is hang in there. Here are a couple of thoughts from my experiences.

First, keep in mind that the father you have today is not the same person as the father you have enjoyed knowing your whole life. He is changing, physically and mentally, and his reactions and responses are those of one suffering the debilitating effects of aging. So, in spite of the fact you may want to be angry at him for the way he acts toward you, it really is not his fault. It just is, unfortunately, the way he is. You have lost the father you have always known. As hard as it may be, accept that as a fact. Now, once you can accept that the man you are dealing with really, in a sense, is no longer your dad, it will be easier to let someone else take over.

Second, there often comes a time in our life where we need to back off and let others take over. I and my wife were faced with this years ago when our daughter had to be committed to the state hospital after contemplating suicide. We decided we could not give her the help she needed and therefore we could not allow her to come back home. After a few years of professional care and living in a group home she is surviving on her own. When that all took place I came to the realization that, "When your loved one is drowning (figuratively of course) it is far smarter to let the professionals handle the rescue. But that does not mean you cannot sit on the riverbank, scared as hell crying your eyes out."

You are doing the very best and wisest thing you can by working with the social, medical, and legal, folks. Let them take over. You have done your share. It's time to take care of yourself so you can be there for your mother and sister.

God bless.

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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by robysue » Sun Mar 08, 2015 10:57 pm

BlackSpinner,

My heart goes out to you. Here's hoping that you get some help from all the people you'll be calling in the morning. You're in a very difficult spot. But you will find a way to get through this.

Best of luck in taking care of your own stress related problems. I really hope that the "chewing painkillers" for the headaches does not result in rebound headaches.

{{hugs}}

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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by Kiralynx » Mon Mar 09, 2015 8:11 am

Blackspinner,

You've gotten good advice from many. So I'll just say, <<HUGS>>

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BlackSpinner
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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by BlackSpinner » Thu Mar 12, 2015 9:40 am

Thank you everyone for your support. Things here are getting worse.

I have been to the bank and they can't help. He is opening a new account with plans to move all the automatic stuff to the new account so he can close the ones I have access to. He can't remove my access. So I took out nearly all the cash and told him that from now on I will only use cash for shopping and when I ran out it would be his food and meds that are not bought. This didn't get through his skull.

We had a social worker who was the first round of the geriatric assessment but dad talks a good talk. However I have them over barrel too because we made it very clear that he would not get any services from us and since he is incapable of doing more then putting butter and sugar on a slice of bread they are going to have to put in lots of supports for him - shopping, meds, laundry. As it is I am"working to rule" he gets basic edible meals, no more snacks or coffee or tea. I drive him to his medical appointments. But that is the end of it. I cut off his internet for a while so I could deal with the banking and slow him down.

We can't leave. Mom has just gone downhill some more and according to her doctor yesterday her body is shutting down. She is having problems with the concept of drinking and swallowing. Often this week she just blows bubbles or lets everything run out of her mouth.

To make things easier on my sister I bought a small fridge, microwave and hot plate and I will clear some space in the studio/kitchen downstairs so she can be independent down there. We are seriously worried about physical abuse now.

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robysue
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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by robysue » Thu Mar 12, 2015 9:51 am

{{hugs}} and prayers.

BlackSpinner, I really feel for you. I wish I could say something more. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with what is a terrible situation.

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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by BlackSpinner » Thu Mar 12, 2015 5:04 pm

I would look really really bad in orange and they would take my knitting needles away!

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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by Janknitz » Thu Mar 12, 2015 5:13 pm

Blackspinner, my thoughts are with you. Your thread looks like a day in my office so I understand what you're going through. And "through" is the right word, there's no such thing as going around it. You just have to get through it. Take it one MINUTE at a time if you need to. Be kind to yourself. And keep us posted.
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BlackSpinner
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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by BlackSpinner » Thu Mar 12, 2015 5:51 pm

Thank you all for helping me stay sane through this.

I have a support team now but it is MOVING SO SLOW!!!1!!1!!!

And it is so hard to sleep. To breathe without choking.

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idamtnboy
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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by idamtnboy » Thu Mar 12, 2015 10:14 pm

I'm sure English Common Law is the basis for Canadian law as well as US law, so undoubtedly there are provisions available to get a judge to declare your father incompetent to handle his own financial affairs and appoint someone, probably you, as a financial guardian. How difficult, long, and costly, that process would be I have no idea, but it is an option you may wish to explore. Or have you checked it out already?

I have a sister-in-law, now widowed, whose children had to do that for her because she lost her capability to handle finances rationally and people were taking advantage of her and sucking money out of her.

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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by mgaggie » Fri Mar 13, 2015 3:24 am

Black,

Just want to let you know I'm thinking of you at this very tough time.

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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by BlackSpinner » Fri Mar 13, 2015 8:16 am

idamtnboy wrote:I'm sure English Common Law is the basis for Canadian law as well as US law, so undoubtedly there are provisions available to get a judge to declare your father incompetent to handle his own financial affairs and appoint someone, probably you, as a financial guardian..
Yes we started the process now but it takes a long time. First step is a complete geriatric assessment. Then a second opinion and then legal stuff. I am picking up papers from the lawyer today. In the meantime it is like living in a war zone.

Yesterday I dropped him off at physio and he told them he felt sick after 10 minutes and took off in a taxi to go to the bank again. So he wasn't there when I went to pick him up. We live 2 minutes from the hospital and he wasn't home. So next week I will have to stay there except that it is very difficult to find parking.

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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by jilliansue » Fri Mar 13, 2015 8:47 am

Black Spinner, I am sorry you are going through this! I am very glad, though, to hear that the case worker is going to work to get you some relief. I wish there was something I could really do to make it easier for you. Know you are not alone and that I am sending you positive wishes, to all of you really!

Wishing you peace,

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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by BlackSpinner » Fri Mar 13, 2015 8:55 am

jilliansue wrote: I wish there was something I could really do to make it easier for you. Know you are not alone and that I am sending you positive wishes, to all of you really!
This is really where the internet shines for me. It is a place I can whine and let off steam and know I am heard. I have a giant shoulder here to cry on.

in real life I have professionals telling me what to do but because I moved here and was mostly trapped in the house I have no friends here and even if I did there is no opportunity to meet someone over coffee and just chat. If ever you know someone who is a caregiver and want to do them a huge favour, get them a sitter and take them out ANYWHERE nice and let them talk.

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Re: OT: Need prayers

Post by carbonman » Fri Mar 13, 2015 9:19 am

BlackSpinner, I wish there was some way I could help.
My time is over. They are gone now.
All I can do is believe that I did the best I could.
I question myself everyday, rethinking everything.
It is what it is, now.
Do the best you can. That's it.

I look back at my journal entries for the last days my dad was in the hospital.
I spent them alone. He just wanted to be w/his wife and daughter again.
I knew that. I knew that the really difficult times were just about over
and better days were coming.
I endured. I was there when they needed me....
and now, I am in the better days.
They are so bitter sweet.
Such is life.
Blessings and strength be upon you.
"If your therapy is improving your health but you're not doing anything
to see or feel those changes, you'll never know what you're capable of."
I said that.