OT? Long overdue update from robysue

General Discussion on any topic relating to CPAP and/or Sleep Apnea.
User avatar
robysue
Posts: 7520
Joined: Sat Sep 18, 2010 2:30 pm
Location: Buffalo, NY
Contact:

OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by robysue » Wed Mar 04, 2015 12:31 am

It's been a very long time (as in 6 months or so) since I last posted anything here. I know that a few people have contacted me in the meantime wondering how things were going with me.

The short answer is that as far as the sleep is concerned---it's about the same. No worse, but not really much better. A bit alarming is the fact that I've started waking up with the old (and unwelcome) hand and foot pain in the last couple of weeks. The foot pain's not been too bad, but the hands? I'm definitely waking up with my hands in fists these days. The fists aren't so tight that I have to work on straightening the fingers out, but there's a lot of pain. The rest of my health seems to be about the same: The migraines are pretty well under control, but we're still working getting the chronic tension headaches under control.

The long answer is that there have been a bunch of things going on in my personal life that have caused some serious disruptions, and the time I've spent in dealing with them meant I had to give up something so that I could get some sleep. And one of the things I wound up giving up was blogging here and over at apneaboard. I've even given up on looking at my data on most days. I'm not overly happy about that, but c'est la vie.

The very long answer: As I said, I'm dealing with some serious family problems, the largest of which is my cousin.

Last summer my alcoholic cousin moved in with hubby and me. Before moving in with us, cuz was living in Little Rock, Ark. She was unemployed, almost homeless, and had no health care since she did not qualify for Medicaid or Obamacare in Arkansas. (It's a very long story why she didn't qualify and I don't fully understand it.) And cuz was also involved in a verbally abusive relationship that had skirted the border of being physically abusive in the past. The man she was (is?) involved with is her second ex-husband. She divorced him after he threw her off a couch one night, or so she told me. But a couple of years after they got divorced, they got back together and she moved into his place. I'm not sure what one calls an ex-hubby turned live-in boyfriend. So I'll call him cuz's ex for now. At the time cuz fled, she and her ex were living in squalor with another (male) cuz who is an ex-con and who has serious alcohol and drug problems his whole life.

We took cuz into our home with the idea that we would provide her with emotional support and a place to live and some financial help. Cuz is an RN with mainly psychiatric nursing experience. She moved to Buffalo from Little Rock, Ark. where she had been unemployed for about two years---well except for a traveling position in Spring 2014 that did not work out for some mysterious reasons. During her first three months in our house, cuz was working pretty hard at trying to clean up the problems in her life: She cut down on the amount of alcohol she was consuming each night; with our help she got her NYS nursing license and NYS's version of Obamacare for health insurance; in September she started going to AA; and by mid-October she'd gotten a part-time psych nursing job at a small private psych hospital in Buffalo.

Unfortunately, in October cuz found out that the sister of her ex died. The ex is Canadian, but he'd been living in Little Rock with cuz for several years. When his sister died, the ex went home to Toronto. After cuz had left him and moved to Buffalo, the ex continued to verbally harass cuz by text messages. (He also continued to periodically send her "lovey-dovey" texts as well.) My hubby made the mistake of helping cuz get an enhanced NYS driver's license---one that allows cuz to cross the border without a passport. And when cuz found out about her former sister-in-law had died, she decided that she just had to go to the funeral, where she had a chance to re-hook up with ex yet again. According to cuz, nothing happened. (Do I believe her? Not really.) And the next thing we know, cuz is telling us that she's going back to Canada for Canadian Thanksgiving with her ex's family.

While she was in Canada for Canadian Thanksgiving, cuz posted a "I'm in a relationship with ex" change of status in FB. Needless to say, I went ballistic: I posted a pointed message about how she had agreed that she would NOT see or get involved with this ex while in Canada. And cuz's response was that I "embarassed" her; when cuz got back to our house, she claimed that the relationship update was meant as a joke. Do I believe it was a joke? Not really: I'm not proud to say it, but about 6 weeks after of this incident, I did use the fact that I know the password on the computer cuz is using because it's one of ours, to poke around. She'd left a live FB window in the browser, and I found a whole slew of "lovey-dovey" FB messages between cuz and her ex.

Once cuz started working around Nov. 1, she started going to Canada to (supposedly) visit her surviving ex-sisters-in-law every weekend that she was NOT working on her nursing job. And she quit going to AA while at home. And she started drinking much more heavily. Whereas she had been drinking no more than 2 or 3 twelve ounce beers per night when she was going to AA before the trips to Canada started, by American Thanksgiving, she was buying and drinking 3 or 4 sixteen and twenty-four ounce beers per night. (She's now probably drinking 2 or 3 of these monster beers most nights.) And prior to the trips to Canada, she was drinking the nightly beers in our presence and asking for us to help keep her honest about whether she was drinking more than she intended to each night. After the trips to Canada started? She's taken to drinking (alone) in her bedroom, and she's doing her best to "sneak" the beers up there.

And it doesn't help that cuz is dealing with a whole bunch of other issues concerning family members who are still in LR. Her father remarried a couple of years ago, and cuz can't stand the new wife. Cuz has called the new wife some rather disgusting names directly to the wife's face, and constantly bad mouths the new wife to us. Cuz is convinced that the new wife is not properly taking care of her father's various health problems---her dad is in his 80's and is not in the best of health. Before her father got married again, cuz had been his primary caretaker, even though she was drinking a pint or more of hard wiskey every single night at the time. But cuz believes no-one can possibly take care of her father as well as she can ... And in November, cuz found out that her younger son's highly unstable relationship had truly gone off the deep end. Her younger son has been regularly abused, both verbally and physically, by his live-in girl friend for a number of years. Things came to a head in the fall, and the son moved out and eventually moved to Idaho, to live his his father, who is cuz's first ex-husband. The complicating factor, however, is that younger son has two kids (ages roughly 7 and 4) by this madwoman. And the mother has been guilty of child neglect for some time, if not actual child abuse. The Arkansas CPS finally took the kids away from the mother when the school reported the neglect after gathering enough evidence for the charge to stick. Unfortunatley, cuz's son, the father, has no parental rights even though his name is on the birth certificates because he and the mother have never been married. So the grandkids have been in foster care since some time in December. Cuz's older son tried to get foster-care custody, but the AR CPS turned him down because he and his live-in girlfriend didn't have a three bedroom apartment, which was required because the kids are of different genders. The foster care situation has apparently been rather horrible, and cuz's older son has now moved to a three bedroom apartment and is trying to get custody of the kids.

Things with cuz sort of stablized at a not-very-good, but not horrible status quo throughout December and January. She continued to go to Canada every other weekend. The weekends she was in Buffalo, she was working. Because my teaching schedule this semester is really tough and late, I was not seeing much of cuz during this time: On the days she worked, she was long gone by the time I got up, and during the evening she was retreating to her bedroom to spend time on her smart phone FB'ing, calling, and texting people, and on the computer watching youtube videos.

But things took a drastic downturn in February: Cuz was fired or layed off (it's not quite clear which is a better description) shortly before her probationary period would have been up. Hence she had no union representation during the firing. The hospital did NOT fight or contest her unemployment claim, (which came through this week), and fortunately because of a snafu, her FidelisCare/Medicare coverage under NYS Obamacare had not been terminated after she obtained employer provided health care on January 1. Cuz just happened to have a doctor appointment (for an ear problem) on the day she got fired. The PA who saw her was so concerned about cuz's mental status, that she walked cuz over to the medical practice's clinical social worker, who talked with her at length and also set up a counseling appointment for her with an outside psycologist. She's supposed to be in weekly counseling now. She rescheduled one of the counseling appointments, has been to one, and has another scheduled this Friday (I think). So cuz has been acting even more erratic than "normal" this month.

And last week when cuz was completely broke---as in she had no more than $40 to her name---I offered to take her up to Niagara Falls on Saturday because the Falls had frozen. And she's been talking all winter about how she wants to see the Falls in winter. And on Wednesday night, Hubby and cuz planned on having Hubby buy some fish for Friday night. So I went to work on Thursday morning thinking that we had the weekend all set: I'd cook the fish on Friday night and take cuz up to NF on Saturday. When Hubby was driving me into the office he also said that it would be ok for me to stay late that night. (I'm swamped with grading right now and this semester is NOT going particularly well.)

In the middle of the afternoon, I get a text informing me that cuz's "out-laws" (that's her term for her former in-laws) all chipped in to wire her $100 so she could make a trip to Canada. I did NOT react to this well. I sent hubby email saying that I was upset because cuz had yet again backed out of plans that I'd made with her for the weekend to go up to Canada. (I wasn't quite that polite in my email to hubby.) Hubby indicated that he'd talk to cuz when he got home. After my 4:30-5:45 pm class was over, I decided to get some supper on campus because I thought hubby had told me I could stay late and try to get some work done. But after I get back to the office, hubby calls and says he and cuz are expecting me to come home and cook the fish. I lost my temper. I had just eaten, and the last thing I wanted to do was to come home and cook a meal that I had no intention of eating when I needed to get work done. Cuz could tell I was angry. And cuz and hubby had words after he got off the phone with me. Their accounts of what those words were differ and I don't quite follow either account.

I've been swamped at work, and I ignored the texts (and email) from cuz on Friday. And I didn't read any email on Saturday or Sunday because hubby and I decided to see the (partially) frozen falls on Saturday and we went skiing as usual on Sunday. Mondays are not an easy day for me, and I had no time to respond to cuz's emails and texts yesterday. But hubby (who can read my emails) did read one of the emails from cuz, and she's all put out because I'm not answering her texts and emails and is apparently upset about last Thursday night and saying that we need to talk. (Hell yes, we need to talk, but it's not about what cuz thinks we need to talk about since she has no intention of talking about the fact that she's quit AA, is drinking much more than she should, and is probably gotten back involved with a man who has a history of verbally abusing her.) And today (Tuesday), I wrote a short text saying that I've been too swamped at work to write. And I spent a fairly long amount of time tonight crafting an email that I'm too chicken to send to her. Hubby did send her a brief email telling her she's welcome to stay in our house, but that we're worried about her drinking.

As of now, cuz is still in Canada supposedly at one of her former sisters-in-law's house. The weather was really nasty today, so it made sense not to drive back to Buffalo. She says she will be back for her counseling appointment on Friday. But I'm half worried that she'll immediately high-tail it back to Canada and her ex. At some point if this continues, we'll have to formally kick her out: I am unwilling to allow her to use our address as her permanent address for the purposes of drawing unemployment checks and getting NYS FidelisCare/Medicaid if she's not actually living with us. Since she has never given us a snail mail address of where she's off to on these trips to Canada, if push comes to shove, I guess we'll just have to tell the US Post Office and all other parties (including the unemployment office and FidelisCare) that she no longer lives here and we have no forwarding address for her.

And if cuz isn't a big enough headache to deal with, hubby and I are also dealing with a serious rift caused by my father's second wife going off the deep end this summer and literally kicking us out of my father's house. Needless to say, trying to maintain open communication lines with my father has been tough, and it's not clear whether I'll be able to visit my father at all next summer. Daddy will turn 89 this June, and so this is another big emotional issue for me. But since Daddy and his wife live some 400 miles away, it's not an in-your-face problem that we have to deal with each and every day, like cuz is.

I will post some pics of Niagara Falls in an OT thread tonight.

Robysue

_________________
Machine: DreamStation BiPAP® Auto Machine
Mask: Swift™ FX Nasal Pillow CPAP Mask with Headgear
Additional Comments: PR System DreamStation and Humidifier. Max IPAP = 9, Min EPAP=4, Rise time setting = 3, minPS = 3, maxPS=5

mgaggie
Posts: 870
Joined: Sun Apr 21, 2013 4:30 am
Location: Victoria, Australia

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by mgaggie » Wed Mar 04, 2015 1:34 am

Good Lordy Rubysue, I don't know how you've managed to stay sane through all of what you have described. While I know that myself and others here enjoy your posts, I totally understand why you've stopped.

Please take care of yourself, and feel free to pop in and vent if you want to.

User avatar
kteague
Posts: 7768
Joined: Tue May 16, 2006 8:30 pm
Location: West and Midwest

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by kteague » Wed Mar 04, 2015 1:46 am

Wow. These types of family situations are always tough, and when they drag out in a sort of limbo nothing feels settled. Hope you find some peace somehow. Sure hope getting away to the breathtaking sights of Niagara Falls gave you a chance to reset. Good to see you here, but certainly understand that you've got a lot on your plate. It's hard when someone we want the best for makes choices we know won't turn out well, and it's so hard to know how long to keep trying with them. Hope things settle down for you soon, and your pain problems get better.

_________________
Mask: TAP PAP Nasal Pillow CPAP Mask with Improved Stability Mouthpiece
Humidifier: S9™ Series H5i™ Heated Humidifier with Climate Control
Additional Comments: Bleep/DreamPort for full nights, Tap Pap for shorter sessions

User avatar
archangle
Posts: 9294
Joined: Sun Mar 27, 2011 11:55 am

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by archangle » Wed Mar 04, 2015 3:04 am

Geez, I was beginning to think Pugsy's aliens had kidnapped you, too. Hmmm... maybe they have.

Good to hear from you again. We were worried.

Take care of number one, but try to pop in at least once a month or so and say "hi."

Hugs from me and licks from tacopup.

_________________
Mask: Swift™ FX Nasal Pillow CPAP Mask with Headgear
Humidifier: S9™ Series H5i™ Heated Humidifier with Climate Control
Additional Comments: Also SleepyHead, PRS1 Auto, Respironics Auto M series, Legacy Auto, and Legacy Plus
Please enter your equipment in your profile so we can help you.
Click here for information on the most common alternative to CPAP.
If it's midnight and a DME tells you it's dark outside, go and check for yourself.

Useful Links.

User avatar
Madalot
Posts: 4285
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 7:47 am

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by Madalot » Wed Mar 04, 2015 6:40 am

It's great to hear from you, robysue. I'm so sorry about all the family drama. I know it can really take it out of you dealing with it. Please take care of yourself and check in from time to time, k?

Saw your Niagara pictures. Absolutely gorgeous! Thanks for sharing.

_________________
Mask: FlexiFit HC431 Full Face CPAP Mask with Headgear
Humidifier: HC150 Heated Humidifier With Hose, 2 Chambers and Stand
Additional Comments: Trilogy 100. S/T AVAPS, IPAP 18-23, EPAP 10, BPM 7

User avatar
49er
Posts: 5624
Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2012 8:18 am

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by 49er » Wed Mar 04, 2015 6:48 am

Madalot wrote:It's great to hear from you, robysue. I'm so sorry about all the family drama. I know it can really take it out of you dealing with it. Please take care of yourself and check in from time to time, k?

Saw your Niagara pictures. Absolutely gorgeous! Thanks for sharing.
RobySue,

I have nothing original to say since Madalot pretty said it all in her excellent post. Good to see you back although I am sorry you are struggling so much.

49er

User avatar
Huh?
Posts: 91
Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 9:57 am

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by Huh? » Wed Mar 04, 2015 8:34 am

Seems strange to air all of this on a CPAP forum. But hey, whatever floats your boat.

User avatar
Madalot
Posts: 4285
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2010 7:47 am

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by Madalot » Wed Mar 04, 2015 8:58 am

Huh? wrote:Seems strange to air all of this on a CPAP forum. But hey, whatever floats your boat.
Hello, Huh? --

You're relatively new to this forum. Members that have been here for many years have bonded and become friends that share more than just cpap stories, struggles, etc.

Over the years, robysue has been one of the most helpful people to new members, going out of her way to share her knowledge and experiences. Those of us that know her noticed her absence and were worried about her.

In addition, she marked her post "OT" for Off Topic so people would know that it strays from the standard posts.

_________________
Mask: FlexiFit HC431 Full Face CPAP Mask with Headgear
Humidifier: HC150 Heated Humidifier With Hose, 2 Chambers and Stand
Additional Comments: Trilogy 100. S/T AVAPS, IPAP 18-23, EPAP 10, BPM 7

User avatar
49er
Posts: 5624
Joined: Mon Jan 16, 2012 8:18 am

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by 49er » Wed Mar 04, 2015 9:38 am

Madalot wrote:
Huh? wrote:Seems strange to air all of this on a CPAP forum. But hey, whatever floats your boat.
Hello, Huh? --

You're relatively new to this forum. Members that have been here for many years have bonded and become friends that share more than just cpap stories, struggles, etc.

Over the years, robysue has been one of the most helpful people to new members, going out of her way to share her knowledge and experiences. Those of us that know her noticed her absence and were worried about her.

In addition, she marked her post "OT" for Off Topic so people would know that it strays from the standard posts.
And to add to your excellent post Madalot, in spite of RobySue's difficulties, she immediately started helping other posters once again with her helpful detailed responses.

49er

User avatar
chunkyfrog
Posts: 34377
Joined: Mon Jul 12, 2010 5:10 pm
Location: Nebraska--I am sworn to keep the secret of this paradise.

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by chunkyfrog » Wed Mar 04, 2015 9:50 am

@Huh? ---OT threads appear from time to time.
If they are not your cup of tea, kindly avoid clicking on them.

_________________
Mask: AirFit™ P10 For Her Nasal Pillow CPAP Mask with Headgear
Additional Comments: Airsense 10 Autoset for Her

User avatar
BlackSpinner
Posts: 9745
Joined: Sat Apr 25, 2009 5:44 pm
Location: Edmonton Alberta
Contact:

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by BlackSpinner » Wed Mar 04, 2015 9:57 am

It is good to hear from you again. I am sorry you have had such a hard time.

I think you have to set some very firm rules in place for cuz. Like that she has to give you addresses where she is going to be, she has to go to AA and counselling. If she doesn't meet the house rules she is out. Anything else is enabling her.

_________________
Machine: PR System One REMStar 60 Series Auto CPAP Machine
Mask: Hybrid Full Face CPAP Mask with Nasal Pillows and Headgear
Additional Comments: Quatro mask for colds & flus S8 elite for back up
71. The lame can ride on horseback, the one-handed drive cattle. The deaf, fight and be useful. To be blind is better than to be burnt on the pyre. No one gets good from a corpse. The Havamal

User avatar
Pugsy
Posts: 63941
Joined: Thu May 14, 2009 9:31 am
Location: Missouri, USA

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by Pugsy » Wed Mar 04, 2015 10:09 am

Good to see you again Robysue.
If you need to vent...let me know. I am in a similar situation with my brother so I kinda understand where you are coming from.
Hugs...

_________________
Machine: AirCurve™ 10 VAuto BiLevel Machine with HumidAir™ Heated Humidifier
Additional Comments: Mask Bleep Eclipse https://bleepsleep.com/the-eclipse/
I may have to RISE but I refuse to SHINE.

If you want to try the Eclipse mask and want a special promo code to get a little off the price...send me a private message.

User avatar
palerider
Posts: 32300
Joined: Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:43 pm
Location: Dallas(ish).

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by palerider » Wed Mar 04, 2015 12:26 pm

Huh? wrote:Seems strange to air all of this on a CPAP forum.
typical, nothing useful contributed.

_________________
Mask: Bleep DreamPort CPAP Mask Solution
Additional Comments: S9 VPAP Auto
Get OSCAR

Accounts to put on the foe list: dataq1, clownbell, gearchange, lynninnj, mper!?, DreamDiver, Geer1, almostadoctor, sleepgeek, ajack, stom, mogy, D.H., They often post misleading, timewasting stuff.

User avatar
Kiralynx
Posts: 2403
Joined: Wed Oct 08, 2008 5:42 am

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by Kiralynx » Wed Mar 04, 2015 2:12 pm

Roby Sue,

There isn't much to say, except, well, <<<HUGS>>>>!!

You might look at al-anon for yourself -- for members of families dealing with an alcoholic.

Please take care of yourself!

_________________
Mask: TAP PAP Nasal Pillow CPAP Mask with Improved Stability Mouthpiece
Additional Comments: Sleepyhead software, not listed. Currently using Dreamstation ASV, not listed
-- Kiralynx
Beastie, 2008-10-28. NEW Beastie, PRS1 960, 2014-05-14. NEWER Beastie, Dream Station ASV, 2017-10-17. PadaCheek Hosecover. Homemade Brandy Keg Chin Support. TapPap Mask.
Min PS = 4, Max PS = 8
Epap Range = 6 - 7.5

User avatar
Huh?
Posts: 91
Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2015 9:57 am

Re: OT? Long overdue update from robysue

Post by Huh? » Wed Mar 04, 2015 2:49 pm

Don't really like repeating myself, but here ->
Huh? wrote: But hey, whatever floats your boat.