Unsupportive Spouse

Roger2 · Post by **Roger2** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 10:20 am

Resister wrote:OK, maybe worse than unsupportive.....

I'm so sad. In other respects he is a good husband. In theory he would say he doesn't want me to die young because of OSA but I guess he is immature in this area. And yes, I care what he thinks.

If you are not able to resolve this issue on your own, you might want to consider marital counseling.

There are many low cost clinics around offering counseling services or if you have some religious tradition, perhaps your pastor, priest or other church leader can help with your problem.

Roger

Roger2 · Post by **Roger2** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 10:22 am

BlackSpinner wrote:He is scared shitless by this. People joke in order not to face reality. Tell him his pecker is still there and you prefer to stay alive and if he feels like making a negative comment to check his pants first.

There is definitely something Freudian about that comment.

AmIawake · Post by **AmIawake** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 10:24 am

Help him understand what sleep apnea really is. I know I didn't understand. I do now.

My mom still asks how many times I'm getting up at night. I try to tell her that the sleep apnea awakening isn't like her concept of getting up. I tell her that I get sleep, it's rest I'm not getting. I'm sure I'll have to tell her again.

Vader · Post by **Vader** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 11:46 am

Resister wrote:OK, maybe worse than unsupportive.....

The last few nights--my first on c-pap--my husband wasn't home so it was a good time for adjusting. Then tonight I told him I was getting ready to put it on and he made a joke. Needless to say, I'm not wearing it tonight.

I. Just. Can't.

We have no other place for me to sleep.

I'm so sad. In other respects he is a good husband. In theory he would say he doesn't want me to die young because of OSA but I guess he is immature in this area. And yes, I care what he thinks.

Has anyone else had a hard time with your spouse or significant other?

ya know, men can be such fools at times!
Hopefully all he needs is a little bit of time to get over his unfounded attitude.
I'm glad my wife was totally understanding when I started therapy. She's really glad i don't snore anymore, and she said sometimes the air blowing on her is helpful when she has hot flashes!

robysue · Post by **robysue** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 1:03 pm

rested gal wrote: The trick is to not think of yourself as an invalid or a "patient" -- 'cause you really aren't.

Rested_gal,

Thanks for reminding me ONCE AGAIN that I need to keep reminding myself day after day to NOT feel sorry for myself and NOT to let myself fall into the trap of thinking of this whole xPAP mess as making me an invalid.

I sometimes think I need this statement tatooed to my forward in mirror writing so that I get that reminder every time I look at my face in the mirror. Because when I slip into "feeling like an invalid", that tends to lead to the anger, and in my case the anger is very counterproductive---particularly when the anger occurs at bedtime.

BlackSpinner · Post by **BlackSpinner** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 1:22 pm

Resister wrote:Going to bed after he goes to sleep might be the best solution for now. Sigh. He often doesn't get home from work until after midnight, but until I get the routine down and my confidence up, it might be the only way!

No it is not a solution. HE can sleep on the couch if he is being a jerk . YOU are working on staying healthy. Would he prefer to change your Depends if you have a stroke due to not using cpap because HE made you feel bad about it? Would he joke and make you feel bad if you had a cast on your leg?

SleepingBearDoNtWake · Post by **SleepingBearDoNtWake** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 2:54 pm

Well, if you haven't had him for more than 30 days, I would think about returning him for a newer sleeker model! LOL
It can be hard at first to wear all that apparatus. Tell him that he should be supporting you as this little device my change you in many wonderful ways. Think of all the things you don't do because your tired! Think of what you will do with all that new energy! Who knows maybe he will need one to keep up with.
Stick with it, don't get discouraged!

Nightshifter · Post by **Nightshifter** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 3:44 pm

Here is how I see it:
Snoring and keeping the hubby awake isnt sexy either. Neither is sleeping on the couch. Who knows, if you start to feel better and have more energy you might feel more sexy as well. That will provide nice benefits for him.

gasp · Post by **gasp** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 4:32 pm

BlackSpinner wrote:He is scared shitless by this. People joke in order not to face reality. Tell him his pecker is still there and you prefer to stay alive and if he feels like making a negative comment to check his pants first.

I agree with BlackSpinner's scared comment. He has fear around this - it could even be that he is fearful of losing physical interest as he battles in his mind to what degree the equipment decreases desirability - as it commonly could be thought to do. I'm assuming he has washboard abs, a full head of hair, flawless skin, and impeccable fashion sense?

chunkyfrog · Post by **chunkyfrog** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 4:57 pm

I have to agree with the thought of him being afraid--using humor to try to feel normal.
Right now, you need to take care of yourself--and if it makes him uncomfortable--getting used to it is HIS problem.
You can reassure him; and even a little joking on your part would not be a bad idea.
I try not to take myself too seriously--but to take care of my health is seriously important.
You deserve no less. Please do not let a bit of hurt feelings prevent you from getting life-saving therapy.
Chin up, newbie. Sleep tight and don't worry about the bedbugs.

gasp · Post by **gasp** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 5:15 pm

PS I think I'm sexy in my mask : ))) If not a bit daunting when I need to be. To break the ice, when I first got mine, a forum member helped me cut and paste my head onto Darth Vader's body and I put it in a small bedside picture frame. Just in case he got any ideas LOL

mayondair · Post by **mayondair** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 6:30 pm

Resister, hubby doesn't sound like an uncaring guy, he did apologize for his joke, and you say he is otherwise a good hubby, so maybe instead of separate beds or waiting for him to get to sleep, just get the elephant out of the room and have a little ahem, whatever , and then roll over, mask up and go to sleep All this CPAP stuff doesn't need to take over your life, just when you sleep, ok well, maybe some computer time

BlackSpinner · Post by **BlackSpinner** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:31 pm

Or you could suggest he wear this (not work safe) to match you sort of.

ozze_dollar · Post by **ozze_dollar** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:41 pm

Sit him down at the computer and let him read this topic. He will be shocked at how he has hurt you and will never do it again.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Jul 23, 2011 8:49 pm

BlackSpinner wrote:(not work safe)

Not even safe for home. Now Amazon thinks I'm interested in that sort of thing.

Unsupportive Spouse

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