Unsupportive Spouse (A Brief Rant)

[Drowsy Dancer]

My spouse THINKS he is being very supportive of my CPAP treatment. There are some things, however, he just doesn't get.

For one thing, he doesn't understand that it is difficult for a new user to fall asleep while using the darned thing. I have sleep-onset centrals and I find that the machine goes nuts shoving extra air at me with the "pressure pulses" until I fall asleep and the centrals go away. Maybe I've just been too much a good soldier and not complained enough.

I have had a hard time with the time change this year. I went to bed a little early last night. I had just fallen asleep when he came to bed and whisked the covers off me (part of an ongoing joke over the years about how we steal the covers from one another while sleeping). This woke me up immediately. I was furious. His comment when I yelled at him was, "Oh, come on, it was funny!" It took me an hour to fall back to sleep after that and the extra batch of centrals put me at AHI 8.0 for the night. I slept in for an extra hour (I didn't get up and make coffee for Himself today--I figured he could brew his own today) but still feel like crap.

I made him promise solemnly this morning that he would never play such a prank again, and emailed him the wave form report so he could see its effects on me, but I can tell (we've been married 20 years) that I he thinks I'm just being a demanding b---- with this one.

Drowsy Dancer

[Pugsy]

I hear you. He has no idea how fragile our sleep is and how the least little thing can impact it. We can tell them and tell them and tell them but until someone walks in these shoes or sleeps with the mask on, they can't understand.

You know deep down he was just being a kid again. He wouldn't knowingly cause you grief. He just didn't think......

I guess you could offer to hook him up and see how he can do with air gushing up his nose....

[Drowsy Dancer]

Yes, definitely just being a kid. Apparently it is unreasonable of me to expect maturity from someone who is only 58 on his next birthday.

What's ironic is that I'm pretty sure he has sleep apnea too, so he would be better off walking in my shoes with a mask on also. Since it took me over two years to convince him to have a routine colonoscopy, I don't hold out much hope for being able to get him into the sleep lab in the foreseeable future.

DD

[Pugsy]

I have yet to convince my 62 yr old husband to even have the colonoscopy..So you have me beat on that one. I jokingly tell my husband (who was the one to harp on my quitting breathing for 2 years before I agreed to talk to doctor about it) that he might need the machine too. Frequent bathroom breaks but only mild snoring. He blames the pee breaks on age..... Refuses to even let me use my APAP to screen him and see if anything happens. Sticks his head in the sand...

Now I did get to use it to screen my sister who had all the classic signs and unless she has OSA that is treated with 5 cm of pressure, she doesn't have it but her husband does. We screened him and he had lots of events and pressure increases.. But he blew it off and said "can't handle it".... Guys are really good with sticking their heads in the sand....

[scrapper]

My husband doesn't fuss at all about my cpap, and he doesn't pull pranks....but he is dead. It's been almost a decade now of raising little ones alone, going on vacation alone, facing accidents, illnesses, and tragedies alone...........so while he's been a dickens Drowsy Dancer, he's alive, above ground, and not sucking dirt. While he's irritating as heck, he's warm and supportive in his own way. Work through it with him, learn to reset your ramp, move to another room for a little while as you learn to live and sleep with your cpap.............and appreciate the man's pranks. It's his own odd way of telling you that he loves you!

[SleepingUgly]

Oh boy, I could have let into your husband, Drowsy Dancer... Until I saw Scrapper's post!

Sadly, my husband and I don't sleep in the same room anymore. I am such a light sleeper, and his presence alone, let alone the hours he keeps, was contributing to my poor sleep. I wish we could sleep together (or even just that I could sleep well!). On the other hand, it's far easier to do CPAP experiments and control the few variables we can control as we experiment with different pressures, or even just try to adjust to CPAP, without an additional variable in the bed. Do you have a guest bedroom he can sleep in? I don't recommend you be the one to leave, as I think it's important to adjust to CPAP in the bed you're going to sleep in, as you'll work on ways to rig it up for those conditions, and the conditions around you will be cues for sleeping with CPAP.

[Tip10]

who was the one to harp on my quitting breathing for 2 years before I agreed to talk to doctor about it

Guys are really good with sticking their heads in the sand....

Hello there kettle!

[Pugsy]

Pugsy wrote:who was the one to harp on my quitting breathing for 2 years before I agreed to talk to doctor about it

Guys are really good with sticking their heads in the sand....



Hello there kettle!

Yep, yep. Won't go into all my excuses. I paid my proper respect to husband with a zillion "You were right honey" in response to his zillion "I told you so" but my point is that he sees that my frequent pee breaks were eliminated with cpap, he refuses to even try, he gives the old claustrophobia excuse. I have yet to catch him not breathing but believe me, if I do, he will face the wrath of the One Who Must be Obeyed.

[xenablue]

I'm sorry to hear you're having support issues with your DH. Fortunately, mine is very supportive, however we talked a lot about what treatment would involve and changes that we would have to make.
One thing that HE agrees helped him most, was that I made him wear the mask and turn on the machine for a few minutes - the whole deal of lying down, trying to get comfy etc., really gave him an understanding of what I have to deal with each night.

Good luck!

Cheers,
xena

[Tip10]

Been there, done that and can certainly relate.

I got mine by taking my dearest beloved to my Doc with me. Doc asked how I was and I said fine.... then said ask her..... within a couple of weeks I'd had my sleep study and was on CPAP and feeling much better.
I learned long ago to take her with me -- I answer the doc and then allow her to answer. Unfortunately she won't allow me to go to doc with her -- I think she's afraid of what I might say!!

[Drowsy Dancer]

One thing that HE agrees helped him most, was that I made him wear the mask and turn on the machine for a few minutes - the whole deal of lying down, trying to get comfy etc., really gave him an understanding of what I have to deal with each night.

Now that's a thought! Maybe I'll turn off the ramp feature if I do that. I will have to reassure him that it won't hurt him to have a little air blown up his nose temporarily.

DD

[Drowsy Dancer]

My husband doesn't fuss at all about my cpap, and he doesn't pull pranks....but he is dead. It's been almost a decade now of raising little ones alone, going on vacation alone, facing accidents, illnesses, and tragedies alone...........so while he's been a dickens Drowsy Dancer, he's alive, above ground, and not sucking dirt. While he's irritating as heck, he's warm and supportive in his own way. Work through it with him, learn to reset your ramp, move to another room for a little while as you learn to live and sleep with your cpap.............and appreciate the man's pranks. It's his own odd way of telling you that he loves you!

I needed this perspective, scrapper. Thanks.

DD

[Pugsy]

Maybe I'll turn off the ramp feature if I do that.

Definitely turn off the ramp, don't want him to get the watered down version...

[xenablue]

One thing that HE agrees helped him most, was that I made him wear the mask and turn on the machine for a few minutes - the whole deal of lying down, trying to get comfy etc., really gave him an understanding of what I have to deal with each night.

Now that's a thought! Maybe I'll turn off the ramp feature if I do that. I will have to reassure him that it won't hurt him to have a little air blown up his nose temporarily.

DD

HA! Oh NO.... no ramp for him full blast from the get go!

[CruzTerri]

I love my husband. Will be 25 years in June. We've always had a wonderful happy life (ok so there have been and will be some disagreements), but for the most part very companionable. We do joke a lot and tease one another all in fun, and I have to say has kept us happy together. Now, when it came to me starting the CPAP, he was and is supportive. But as we have always done, he was teasing me some while preparing to go to bed. After a couple of nights, it really started to upset me. I began to think about it and instead of responding by yelling or some other negative way. Before bed one night, I explained that while his teasing has never bothered me because I know it is never mean spirited, I asked that he not tease me about "hooking" up at night since it was starting to upset me.

He said he was sorry and that he would stop and he did. He never teases me about anything personal like weight, etc. Just fun stuff we both do or don't do, or mess up. We have lots of laughs together, this was just something he thought wouldn't bother me, when he was informed that it did, he quit graciously. Love him, I do.

Drowsy Dancer - I hope that you can explain to your hubby what is going on and that he'll get it, for both of your sakes.