Husband not supportive

General Discussion on any topic relating to CPAP and/or Sleep Apnea.
User avatar
rested gal
Posts: 12883
Joined: Thu Sep 09, 2004 10:14 pm
Location: Tennessee

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by rested gal » Thu Nov 19, 2009 11:39 am

btesterman wrote:I'll have to agree that it seems strange that he never observes me not breathing normally. He has trouble sleeping so he is awake a lot. He says I snore mildly, I'm not obese although I'm somewhat overweight. I was sent for the sleep study because I have GERD. When my doctor suggested it I readily agreed to do it because I have gone through all the drowsy periods almost daily. I am not doubting test results but wonder how I can stop breathing 14.3 times an hour and my husband insist I'm breathing normally.
I put one sentence of the quote in bold red because that was an extremely smart doctor who made the possible connection about OSA and GERD:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/20 ... 080008.htm
"These are patients without significant heartburn symptoms, who are experiencing acid reflux during sleep," explained William C. Orr, Ph.D. of Lynn Health Science Institute in Oklahoma City, OK. "'Silent reflux' may be the cause of sleep disturbances in patients with unexplained sleep disorders."

"All patients with sleep apnea should be evaluated for gastroesophageal reflux," said J. Barry O'Connor, M.D., of Duke University Medical Center, one of the investigators.


Chicken or the egg -- can be either way -- if one is found (GERD or Sleep Apnea) the other is more likely to be there, too.

About your husband's statements:
He may be awake "a lot", but I doubt if he stays awake absolutely all night long -- I'm talking about EVERY minute... all night -- observing you.

Snoring mildly is a sign of restricted airway. That restriction (regardless of how "mild" the sound might sound to him) means you're not getting as much air through as you could. Depending on the size of the airway, even a slight restriction could mean a person is having hypopneas. An observing bed partner could be watching hypopneas happen right in front of his eyes and think that was normal breathing since some breathing is still going on. I think of hypopneas as "baby apneas" -- partial closure of the airway, not full closure as with an apnea. Airflow with a hypopnea is not as much as it should be, but some breathing is still happening. CPAP would keep the airway open for good breathing all night.

A person can also have what's called Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome (UARS.) With that, the brain is so hypervigilant to the slightest beginnings of airway closure that the brain "arouses" the person to breathe better BEFORE a hypopnea with drop in O2 can happen, and before a full apnea can happen. Those constant arousals to "breathe better" can play havoc with the sleep stages. Yet your breathing during those arousals could look quite normal to your husband and you would still appear to him to be "asleep."

"Arousals" to breathe better, by the way, are usually so brief that we are not aware of them at all. Without benefit of seeing EEG data (via the patches taped on your head during the sleep study) a person (your husband) observing you sleep wouldn't be able to see the many brain arousals (to open the airway a little better) happening. Arousals that wreck your sleep architecture. Jolting you up out of whatever stage of sleep you were in at the moment. All without you or the bed partner noticing those sleep disruptions at all. UARS is also treated with CPAP to keep the airway well and truly open during sleep.

Regarding this:
btesterman wrote:wonder how I can stop breathing 14.3 times an hour and my husband insist I'm breathing normally.
The AHI of 14.3 is an index -- an AVERAGE calculated for the entire night. It doesn't mean you stopped breathing literally 14.3 times each and every hour. You could be having no apneas or hypopneas during some hours of the night, and then be slammed with a ton of them for scattered spots through the night, when REM was trying to happen.

Most people are hit hardest with apneas and hypopneas during REM sleep. REM -- rapid eye movement -- the type of sleep when we are thought to dream the most. People normally have 4 or 5 cycles into REM during the night, with each REM cycle getting longer than the last one. First REM cycle usually happens about an hour and a half after a person goes to sleep and might last just 4 or 5 minutes -- what if your husband happens to have drifted off to sleep briefly then? You could have tons of apneas and hypopneas each time you're starting into REM. Apneas/hypopneas or UARS arousals preventing you from settling into sufficient REM can certainly lead to daytime sleepiness.

In other words, sleep disordered breathing isn't always a matter of noticeably "stopping breathing" or "gasping" or even of repeated wake-ups that are long enough for a person to be aware of being awake.

Think of it like blood pressure problems or diabetic problems. Sure, there are sometimes obvious signs that a person might feel when their blood pressure is too high or low. And sometimes there are obvious signs that a person might feel if their blood sugar level is not within certain bounds. But damage can be happening with either of those things, unbeknownst to the person who is not "feeling" funny. And happening unbeknownst to the people living closely with them.

You don't have to finally HAVE a stroke or heart attack, for high blood pressure to be diagnosed and need treatment.

You don't have to actually FALL INTO a diabetic coma, for diabetes to be diagnosed and need treatment.

You don't have to noticeably STOP BREATHING during sleep, for sleep disordered breathing to be diagnosed and need treatment.

Oh, and interestingly -- untreated sleep apnea can contribute to those things -- stroke, heart attack, diabetes. And GERD.

I'd forget about the word "mild" and get CPAP treatment going.

AHI-wise, I have it a lot milder than you, btesterman, but CPAP has made a decidedly good difference for me.
btesterman wrote:Right now my husband just said that if I'd just do breathing exercises (plus aerobic exercising) that I wouldn't have to use the CPAP - like he knows so much about it.
Yeah...riiiight. I'm glad you added "like he knows so much about it." Hang onto your sense of humor and this message board. You're going to do fine despite his discouraging you from using a simple life-saving machine.
KatieW wrote:Perhaps he is in denial about your health, or is reacting out of fear, or doesn't like change. In any case, take care of your health, as your 1st priority. This forum is a wonderful place to come for information and support. Stay connected here.
Amen to what Katie said!!
btesterman wrote:I have my health to consider so I'll forge on regardless.
That's the spirit! It's your health and your decisions to make about it. You're a smart lady. You found your way here and you'll find your way into good breathing while sleeping, too. Via CPAP.
ResMed S9 VPAP Auto (ASV)
Humidifier: Integrated + Climate Control hose
Mask: Aeiomed Headrest (deconstructed, with homemade straps
3M painters tape over mouth
ALL LINKS by rested gal:
viewtopic.php?t=17435

User avatar
katherinefulmer
Posts: 106
Joined: Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:30 pm
Location: Houston, TX, USA
Contact:

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by katherinefulmer » Thu Nov 19, 2009 12:11 pm

Great post. I have added rested gals tips about AHI and GERD to the CPAP Wiki:

wiki/index.php/Acid_reflux_or_GERD

wiki/index.php/Apnea_Hypopnea_Index

I have also referenced rhis thread in the Partners and CPAP section.
wiki/index.php/CPAP_Newbie#Partners_and_CPAP

This section needs your contributions, please add tips for confronting your Sleep Apnea together and the worries and concerns that arise when sharing a bed with your CPAP and someone you love.
Katherine Fulmer
Product Development Analyst
katherine.fulmer@cpaptalk.com

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. - Kurt Vonnegut

User avatar
desert rider
Posts: 114
Joined: Sun Oct 25, 2009 12:15 pm
Location: SoCal

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by desert rider » Thu Nov 19, 2009 1:06 pm

You have my sympathy. Hopefully your husband is educatable. Some of us are.

I'm lucky that it was my wife who first brought up the subject with a doctor we're seeing for weight loss. He immediately urged me to see my family physician to arrange a sleep test. Once the results came back he spent a lot of time talking with my wife and I about apnea and CPAP (he knows much more about it than my HMO doc).

Our weight loss doctor also urged me to read a book called "The Promise of Sleep". This book has been fantastic. I can't believe how much I've learned about sleep since I started reading it. My only regret about this book is that it's about ten years old, so the research and technology aren't completely current. The information is still valid though. I highly recommend it.

_________________
Mask: Mirage Quattro™ Full Face CPAP Mask with Headgear
Software: Encore Smart Card Reader - USB
Additional Comments: Pressure = 12 • C-Flex = 3 • Day 1 = 11/06/2009
"Being an optimist has its ups."

User avatar
BlackSpinner
Posts: 9745
Joined: Sat Apr 25, 2009 5:44 pm
Location: Edmonton Alberta
Contact:

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by BlackSpinner » Thu Nov 19, 2009 1:25 pm

Often our families are not supportive of our attempts at healing. They have a vested interest in our illnesses. Our illness allows them to be the heroes, the rescuers, the smart ones. If we get better their roles change, it affects their self esteem and how they relate to us. If they can't adjust it destroys their ability to have a relationship they feel good about.

_________________
Machine: PR System One REMStar 60 Series Auto CPAP Machine
Mask: Hybrid Full Face CPAP Mask with Nasal Pillows and Headgear
Additional Comments: Quatro mask for colds & flus S8 elite for back up
71. The lame can ride on horseback, the one-handed drive cattle. The deaf, fight and be useful. To be blind is better than to be burnt on the pyre. No one gets good from a corpse. The Havamal

User avatar
rested gal
Posts: 12883
Joined: Thu Sep 09, 2004 10:14 pm
Location: Tennessee

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by rested gal » Thu Nov 19, 2009 1:37 pm

Thanks, Katherine, but please remove the two words "rested gal" ("rested gal says", "rested gal said", "rested gal contributed", "rested gal posted" etc.) from the wiki.

I don't mind statements I've made or quotes from links I've found to be in the wiki, but it can get too confusing as to where what someone says stops, and where what someone else is saying starts. And where mixtures of statements happen. I realize you're trying to give me credit, and that's very thoughtful of you. But unless I actually put a statement into the wiki myself (which I haven't), I'd rather it not look like I did.
ResMed S9 VPAP Auto (ASV)
Humidifier: Integrated + Climate Control hose
Mask: Aeiomed Headrest (deconstructed, with homemade straps
3M painters tape over mouth
ALL LINKS by rested gal:
viewtopic.php?t=17435

User avatar
katherinefulmer
Posts: 106
Joined: Tue Apr 28, 2009 2:30 pm
Location: Houston, TX, USA
Contact:

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by katherinefulmer » Thu Nov 19, 2009 1:43 pm

Noted. Thanks for the feedback. I will follow through on that request.
Katherine Fulmer
Product Development Analyst
katherine.fulmer@cpaptalk.com

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward. - Kurt Vonnegut

User avatar
Muse-Inc
Posts: 4382
Joined: Fri Jun 12, 2009 8:44 pm
Location: Atlanta, GA

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by Muse-Inc » Thu Nov 19, 2009 1:53 pm

btesterman wrote:...my husband just said that if I'd just do breathing exercises (plus aerobic exercising) that I wouldn't have to use the CPAP...
Exercise will not change the anatomy of your airways. Losing a huge amt of wt might. There are some respiratory-thoat exercise that might help; you could try learning to play the didgeridoo & doing the circular breathing as that involves the same muscles...might (I could never get the circular breathing mastered and gave up on this possible help). Your airways are what your airways are and if yours are narrowing or collapsing when you sleep, then you are subject to all the ills that oxygen deprivation causes. Plus, BP high enough to blow out blood vessels in your brain (stroke) is common with untreated apnea; oh, and BP that high will for sure destroy kidney tissue.
btesterman wrote:...Maybe once I start the CPAP I'LL be full of energy and want sex all the time and then he'll become a believer
Actually, this is a reported effect of successful sleep apnea treatment!

Welcome aboard! Great folks, great info!

_________________
Mask: Hybrid Full Face CPAP Mask with Nasal Pillows and Headgear
Humidifier: HumidAire H4i™ Heated Humidifier
Additional Comments: Started Aug '07 CPAP Escape at 11 then 9, S9 APAP range 9.8-16, now 10-17
ResMed S9 range 9.8-17, RespCare Hybrid FFM
Never, never, never, never say never.

User avatar
roster
Posts: 8164
Joined: Wed Jan 18, 2006 8:02 pm
Location: Chapel Hill, NC

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by roster » Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:02 pm

btesterman wrote: Maybe once I start the CPAP I'LL be full of energy and want sex all the time and then he'll become a believer.....
..... if he overhears your boyfriends talking!

Serves him right!

_________________
Mask: Hybrid Full Face CPAP Mask with Nasal Pillows and Headgear
Additional Comments: M Series Integrated Humidifier
Rooster
I have a vision that we will figure out an easy way to ensure that children develop wide, deep, healthy and attractive jaws and then obstructive sleep apnea becomes an obscure bit of history.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ycw4uaX ... re=related

User avatar
ChrisC
Posts: 176
Joined: Tue Nov 25, 2008 11:39 am
Location: Ontario, Canada

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by ChrisC » Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:14 pm

I'm always surprised when I read about significant others who suffer from denial, or feel it is alright to ridicule over xpap therapy. I'm lucky to be blessed with a wife who not only encouraged me to go to my first sleep study but is actively involved with making sure my therapy is going well (listening for leaks etc;).

When it comes down to it, I can't imagine how supportive your husband would be if you decided to forego your prescribed xPAP therapy and ended up suffering a debilitating stroke. While you might not be demonstrating exaggerated symptoms in his humble opinion, a clinician who specializes in sleep disorders obviously thinks you show enough to be diagnosed with OSA. Even though your husband puts little faith in the medical world, I'd put even less in his non-educated opinion on the matter.

It's your therapy, and it's really up to you to decide what is more important: your health, or his opinion. In the end, it's YOUR decisions that directly affect YOUR health that you have to live with forever. Speaking as a husband, the ramifications of ignoring our opinions are usually over as soon as we realize we're wrong.. and we can often be wrong. (There, I said it).

_________________
Mask
Additional Comments: 10CM pressure. Started CPAP March 26, 2009. Humidifer is actually a H4i
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-- Douglas Adams

yasulh
Posts: 21
Joined: Sat Sep 26, 2009 7:29 pm
Location: Augusta, GA

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by yasulh » Thu Nov 19, 2009 2:32 pm

btesterman wrote:My husband is 62, I'm 63. I will definitely take my husband with me when I do see my doctor. That still may not convince him but the doctor may have information that would help him understand why he isn't observing anything and that although I'm between mild and moderate in severity, it is still not something that is wise to ignore. Right now my husband just said that if I'd just do breathing exercises (plus aerobic exercising) that I wouldn't have to use the CPAP - like he knows so much about it. It is just hard to have this going on between us at a time when I'm discouraged about it all to begin with and need the support. He says he will support me - meaning DO whatever I ask, but mentally he is so nonbelieving. I have my health to consider so I'll forge on regardless. Maybe once I start the CPAP I'LL be full of energy and want sex all the time and then he'll become a believer. (riiiiiiiight!)
While your husband is off target, he may be on to something that will help - but it will help with adjusting to CPAP.

I found that doing breathing exercises regularly helped me to adjust to using my CPAP when I first got it. Instead of panicking at the air blowing into me, I focused on the breathing exercises (with the CPAP on) until I could return to regular breathing and go to sleep. I have also found that since I started using the CPAP I am better able to endure aerobic exercise - I am not as out of breath as I was before.

My sleep apnea was classified as moderate, but I can tell you that after two months on CPAP I have a lot more energy than I had before starting. Now I have the energy to exercise!

User avatar
Hawthorne
Posts: 3973
Joined: Tue Oct 19, 2004 4:46 am
Location: London Ontario -Canada

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by Hawthorne » Thu Nov 19, 2009 3:27 pm

BlackSpinner wrote:Often our families are not supportive of our attempts at healing. They have a vested interest in our illnesses. Our illness allows them to be the heroes, the rescuers, the smart ones. If we get better their roles change, it affects their self esteem and how they relate to us. If they can't adjust it destroys their ability to have a relationship they feel good about.
----and sometimes families may appear to be non supportive of a condition we have or what we need to do to treat it, because they care about us and the thought of us having such a condition or having to treat that condition is difficult for them to accept. They don't want us to suffer so they seem to be non supportive or in denial.

_________________
Machine: DreamStation Auto CPAP Machine
Mask: AirFit™ P10 Nasal Pillow CPAP Mask with Headgear
Humidifier: DreamStation Heated Humidifier
Additional Comments:  Backups- FX Nano masks. Backup machine- Airmini auto travel cpap

karessamom
Posts: 259
Joined: Mon Jun 30, 2008 12:18 pm
Location: Utah

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by karessamom » Thu Nov 19, 2009 4:31 pm

Sounds to me like your husband needs EDUCATION! at least as far as sleep apnea goes. I for one thought SA was a waist of money too or at least a hypochondriacts disease or something--even when my PCP first suggested that I may have it. I totally blew her off--and basically I wasn't going to hear it. but it got me thinking and on to the internet I went! Spent hours on researching --ironically I still didn't seem to fit the bill but my husband did! and last summer he was dxed with severe OSA (infact his numbers were much worse than mine)--I still ignored my symptoms until I had a gall bladder attack last December (another story in itself) however I had a bad reaction to the meds they gave me which caused the ER dr. to ask me if i'd ever been tested for SA--well I hadn't. Took me another 7-8 months before getting around to it but finally in late August I got my CPAP! it's made a world of difference and I didn't have the typical symptoms. some of them yes, however didn't really snore too much and didn't stop breathing but I have mostly hypopneas so I wouldn't stop breathing I just breath ineffectively and since I wasn't sleeping that good at night I didn't go into REM much when I had most ofmy problems. (now looking back I can see why I didn't sleep and why my body was keeping me awake. it all makes sense but didn't at the time. Try educating your husband--see if he'll read the literachure there's tons of it out there. Keep on this forum. you'll find soo much support. btw--I really feel it was thru the encouragement of these forum members that got me back to my pcp and finally dxed. I kept denying it. I do hope he'll come to understand one day. but I do understand his hesitation too--I was like that.

_________________
Mask: Quattro™ FX Full Face CPAP Mask with Headgear
Humidifier: HumidAire H4i™ Heated Humidifier
Additional Comments: back up mask--Ultra Mirage FF, Husband Resmed AUTOset8 w/H3i Heated Humidifier and ComfortGel FF mask

User avatar
Gerryk
Posts: 1565
Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2009 11:18 am
Location: Chicago suburbs

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by Gerryk » Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:03 pm

It will take time but he will probably come around. When I first started on CPAP my wife complained about my machine being noisy. Now her biggest complaint is the air that blows out the vent sometimes blows in her face. Well, I do not sleep on my back much so I normally sleep on one side. I finally got tired of that and just told her to turn over and blow her hot air the other way. HMMMM yes, it was not a good thing to say but it did get us to discuss it and work the problem out.

When I told her last week I may not need cpap any longer she complained again. This time she complained saying now she won't be able to sleep because my machine won't be making noise and she won't have a nice fresh breeze all night.

All those big problems my wife had with cpap were only minor issues we had to work out together. After all if he loves you he will see to it that your cpap treatment is successful.

Good luck with your treatment.

Gerry

User avatar
btesterman
Posts: 62
Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 8:50 pm
Location: Orlando, Florida

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by btesterman » Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:33 pm

Thanks to everyone for the encouragement and suggestions. After thinking about it, I'm guessing he is in a denial stage just as if he was the one diagnosed. I will definitely have him go with me to see my doctor and as I learn more (I feel lost right now) I'll share with him so he feels a part of this journey. That is my hope anyway. I never was in denial. In fact, I was almost relieved to hear the diagnosis - I'd been told my fatigue was from being "old" (I'm 63), being overweight (about 15 pounds I'd say), depression, not enough exercise, being an overworked teacher, "everyone feels that way".... Of course I wish I could just take a pill and all would be normal but at least now I can actively work toward feeling better.

snoregirl
Posts: 1318
Joined: Fri Apr 07, 2006 3:36 pm

Re: Husband not supportive

Post by snoregirl » Thu Nov 19, 2009 10:04 pm

I find your words disturbing "that he will not FORBID me to get CPAP" or something close to that. What a gem. No one will FORBID me to do anything. He obviously is not interested in your health. Hopefully he will come to understand and support you but don't be surprised if he does not. If one does not live with the dead tired feeling in my experience they just have a really hard time understanding. I wish you more luck than I had with my husband (now ex-husband). Apena and snoring were a large part of the reason he left. BUT DO NOT sacrifice your health for him. He is not worth it.