Apnea controlling me

[giantred]

Hi everyone,

I've struggled over and over with my machine settings, to the neck problems, etc. Believe me, this is all 100% physical not psychological, I know the difference. I feel sorry for all of us. I know I'm going down. It's over. I was the most optomisic person in the world. I have a very successfull business that grossed about $200,000 each of the last two years. However, this apnea is now in total control of me. My work is late, it's bad, clients are mad, it's so out of control and it's all from SLEEP APNEA. Why is God so unfair to me. What did I deserve to get this. It's over, my business will close from this, the writting is on the wall. Please everyone out there. Do not let the sleep apnea destroy your marriage, your finances, your health, etc. I know that I'm the one suffering the most from this and it's gotten to the point where I'm giving up on making it better. I don't care if I go bankrupt, I don't care if I lose my business, I don't even care if I'm homeless one day. This apnea is the worst thing in the world and it's really not fair that it destoryed me.

[giantred]

By the way, the neck problems from my prior messages is from the sleep apnea. The mask, etc. is making me wake up with neck pain. I wish I had the power to control the sleep apnea for all of us, but I don't. Unfortunately, for me it's controlling me.

[Outlawswife47]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time!!!! I haven't had any problems with exception of one time...I'd put my mask back together wrong! One thing that I have that I believe has helped me a lot is my pillow. I have a "water pillow" provided by a physical therapist. I'm able to "sink into" the pillow so the mask doesn't bother me. I can move it, punch it, etc...and it does what I want. Even causes a wonderful wave motion if I want...LOL. You might look into it before you give up everything!!!

Check out this site: http://www.mediflow.com The pillow sells at J.C. Penny's for $44.99....

[elader]

is this a cry for help? Just ranting?

You need to find a Doc and a DME that will take the time to help you get what you need. There are a crazy number of masks out there in every possible configuration as well as fancy pillows to use for cpap, etc. Find a DME that will spend an hour with you and let you try on 40 masks. 99% of the battle with leaks, face pain, neck pain, etc is with your mask and the way you sleep with it.

Many of us have suffered too. Instead of getting discouraged, get mad and do something proactive. You have every right to great health care. If you aren't getting it, find someone better to give your money to.

And forgive me for saying it, but if you are a fat guy (like me), do something about that too. While there are thin people with apnea, many of us are on a machine today at least partially because we are overweight. Overweight -> apnea -> more overweight. Its a terrible cycle. Get mad, and do something about it. Finally, after three months on the machine, and several abortive attempts to get going, I am in the Gym 4 days a week and on a diet. I may not cure my OSA, but at least I'll look hot and buff with that hose on my face at night.

Feel free to continue ranting here, but please don't give up. You are even less use to yourself and the people that love you if you are dead.

[roster]

Hi everyone,

I've struggled over and over with my machine settings, to the neck problems, etc. Believe me, this is all 100% physical not psychological, I know the difference. I feel sorry for all of us. I know I'm going down. It's over. I was the most optomisic person in the world. I have a very successfull business that grossed about $200,000 each of the last two years. However, this apnea is now in total control of me. My work is late, it's bad, clients are mad, it's so out of control and it's all from SLEEP APNEA. Why is God so unfair to me. What did I deserve to get this. It's over, my business will close from this, the writting is on the wall. Please everyone out there. Do not let the sleep apnea destroy your marriage, your finances, your health, etc. I know that I'm the one suffering the most from this and it's gotten to the point where I'm giving up on making it better. I don't care if I go bankrupt, I don't care if I lose my business, I don't even care if I'm homeless one day. This apnea is the worst thing in the world and it's really not fair that it destoryed me.

In the three years since I was diagnosed, I have become amazed at how may people are in similar situations to yours and mine. Why is God so unfair to you? I ask, "Why is God so unfair to such a large percentage of the population?" But that discussion will not help you with your immediate problem.

Have you taken care to see that your CPAP therapy is optimal? Will you fill out your profile and ask for help here? Do you have monitoring capability to check apneas, hypopneas and leaks?

You had the ability to build a business. Are you willing to do what it takes to get a good CPAP therapy and once you are healthy move on with life?

[boston]

I know its a tough journey, but your in the right place for help.
Post your problems, get specific, you will find help here.
I wish you the best of luck in your personal life as well as your therapy.

[Wulfman]

Hi everyone,

I've struggled over and over with my machine settings, to the neck problems, etc. Believe me, this is all 100% physical not psychological, I know the difference. I feel sorry for all of us. I know I'm going down. It's over. I was the most optomisic person in the world. I have a very successfull business that grossed about $200,000 each of the last two years. However, this apnea is now in total control of me. My work is late, it's bad, clients are mad, it's so out of control and it's all from SLEEP APNEA. Why is God so unfair to me. What did I deserve to get this. It's over, my business will close from this, the writting is on the wall. Please everyone out there. Do not let the sleep apnea destroy your marriage, your finances, your health, etc. I know that I'm the one suffering the most from this and it's gotten to the point where I'm giving up on making it better. I don't care if I go bankrupt, I don't care if I lose my business, I don't even care if I'm homeless one day. This apnea is the worst thing in the world and it's really not fair that it destoryed me.

I'm confused........do you need/want help or is this a "pity party"? You don't sound very optimistic to ME.

WHAT machine.....WHAT settings? (and what mask, etc.?)

When I found out what had been dragging me down for the previous several years.....and what it would take to turn it around, I decided to take control of my own therapy. I got a data-capable machine and the software to monitor my therapy and became as knowledgeable about it as I could. I never felt sorry for myself or had the "woe is me" attitude. I was actually glad that the solution was this simple.......strapping on a mask at night and getting good sleep.
It worked and that was almost four years ago. I've also been diagnosed as having Type 2 Diabetes......I don't care.....I'm gonna beat that, too......without medication......just diet and exercise. I'm amazed at some of the people who get on the Diabetes forums with the "self pity" mentality. Get control of your therapy.....get educated!!! If you don't, nobody else is going to do it for you.


Den

[kteague]

When I spiraled downhill after starting cpap, I gave up as it was my last hope and I felt it was killing me quicker instead of saving me. After my career and life as I knew it was gone, I was faced with a decision whether to fight to live or allow myself to fade into oblivion. For a while I didn't know which way it would go, as felt surely no one could feel this bad and live. And if this was all life was, I wasn't sure it was worth fighting for. My sleep doctor at that time was no help.

Turns out the answer for me was in getting my pressure right and in reassessing my use of the ramp option. My ramp was set at 4 for 30 minutes, and I was instructed to hit it every time I woke up. Problem was, I was waking every very few minutes, almost as soon as I dozed off. In my severely compromised state of mind it didn't compute for me that by me hitting the ramp every few minutes it meant I was almost never getting to the pressure that would treat at least some of my apneas.

When I found this site it was suggested to me that 4 is too low of a ramp pressure for many, and also that since I fell asleep instantly upon hitting the pillow, the long ramp time was not necessary and leaving me unprotected during that time (which was most of the night). I learned enough to request a trial on an autopap and found my pressure needed to be 12 instead of 10.

Too late to make a long story short, but turns out I wasn't a hopeless case. I still went thru the mask struggles and things others do, but now had encouragement and support here. The changes I made to my treatment began to make a difference. I still have other sleep issues (PLMD) that seem to fight me tooth and nail. But the OSA treatment is effective and if that was all I had wrong with me, I'd be back in the game. Even so, I have a life well worth living.

A dear friend of mine has a terminal illness, add to that heart and kidney failure. Every day is a struggle, yet she values every day. One day we were discussing someone who was jeopardizing and at least shortening their life with dangerous behavior. Her words struck my heart, "They're trying as hard to die as I am trying to live." Her words reverbrate in my mind, reminding me to not devalue my life.

Yes, your life is in a mess right now. But it is not without hope. If it is possible for you to take some time off or lighten your load while you work thru this, it could help your desperation. I'd hate to see you give up on everything, when you may bounce back soon and be ok. Faking success while miserably failing can cause such a sense of defeat. I don't know your situation, but would it be better to say you are dealing with a personal medical matter than seeming to just do a poor job?

How do you put one foot in front of the other when you feel you just can't? I don't know, but if you're gonna be alive, seems best to keep trying to figure out how to make it be the best life you can. Some things are not in our control, and sure don't seem fair. I've done enough good in my life to think I don't deserve the hand I've been dealt, and enough bad to think I could expect worse. Truth is, I don't think it has anything to do with it. Life is a lot what it is, and a lot what we make of it. I can't see into your life or feel what you are feeling, but from where I'm sitting, looks like you are giving up prematurely. I'm not a seer or have any predictive powers, but seems in my life the lowest points have been the beginnings of my comebacks. Here's hoping this is yours.

[Bluebonnet_Gal]

WOW! Until I read giantred's post, I never thought of Apnea as controlling me. But I can definitely relate to the fact that it has affected many (perhaps all) areas of my life. I can relate to the depression, the feeling of despair, the fact that my work and my relationships are all affected by my OSA. For me however, I didn't realize until recently what was CAUSING the sleepiness and the exhaustion that made me feel some days that I just couldn't go on. But I did. I continued to get up each morning and get myself to work. I know for a fact that my son is a big part of the reason that I was able to go on. I wanted to be there for him. I needed to provide for him. And I wanted to set the best possible example for him.

I've known for years that I suffer from sleep apnea. Only recently did I relate sleep apnea to my drowsiness and feelings of exhaustion. My dad was diagnosed with sleep apnea many years ago (before C-PAP therapy was available). I don't know his AHI (don't know if they even measured that back then). I only know that during his sleep study he stopped breathing one time for nearly a minute. His ENT said that sometimes surgery helps solve Sleep Apnea, but in my Dad's case, he didn't think it would help and his Sleep Apnea was not that severe.

I think a LOT has been learned about OSA since then and thankfully, we have CPAP treatment today. I didn't realize until recently that treatment was available (thanks to a neighbor). I also didn't realize until recently that it was likely that OSA was causing my daytime sleepiness and my constant exhaustion. Thanks to my PCP for that!

Since my sleep study and discovering that I have severe OSA (AHI 107), I have never felt sorry for myself or thought "why me?". Instead, I thank God that my PCP figured out that my complaints of drowsiness might be connected to OSA. I thank God that my neighbor felt comfortable talking to me about his new bed companion and how much better he feels since starting CPAP (he said he feels like a different person). I thank God that someone invented this therapy that successfully treats OSA without surgery. I thank God for this forum to help me iron out the rough spots.

Just over a week ago, my cousin buried his 20 yr old son who died of cancer after an 18 month hard fought battle. I thank God that my son's worst ailment is severe (but controlled) allergies and mild (but controlled) asthma. My sister-in-law was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer about a year ago. She is still battling it. I thank God that my immediate family is cancer free (as far as we know). Because of his sister, my husband had a colonoscopy at an earlier age than normally recommended. A polyp was found that would have turned to cancer in a few years. I thank God that it was found before it turned to cancer. I thank God that my sister-in-law was concerned enough about her siblings to urge each of them to have a colonoscopy NOW, even if they weren't age 50 yet. A couple of years ago my cousin buried the remains of her daugther after her daughter was missing for over 2 years. Her killer is in jail and her remains were finally found in the city dump after he stuffed her body in a large suitcase and placed it in a dumpster. I thank God that my son is safe and alive and I pray that never happens to me.

I realize there are many people with situations that are much more bleak than mine - and I thank God for the blessings in my life! I feel very fortunate. Things could be so much worse!

giantred, even if you've given up and even if you never read my post, maybe it will help someone else who is feeling the despair that you're feeling now. If you ARE following this post, know that there are people here who care. There are people here who deal not only with OSA, but with many other afflictions. There is always someone in a worse situation than you. The people here understand. They can relate. They want to help!

I guess my message is: Quit feeling sorry for yourself! Quit making excuses! Keep working and searching to find the solution that works for you! Count your blessings and you won't have time to count your hardships!

[giantred]

You made a very intelligent evaluation about all of this. Yes, it's beyond my control. Please read carefully. Each and every person that replied indicated that this is a psycological problem not physical. Just like my family and friends, doctors, etc. They said that it's a psychological problem. How is that, if I'm choking in my sleep and my nose is clogged, how can that be pshcological. To summarize this. If I was a gambler, I psychologically could control it by not placing the next bet. If I was an alcholic, I could psychologically stop myself from not taking the next drink. If I was a sexoholic, I could psychologically stop having sex. However, with this condition, someone somewhere is attacking my in my sleep. How can I psychologically stop that? If I wake up choking or my nose is completely clogged, how can I psychologically stop this from happening in my sleep. As a matter of fact, I think I should get more credit. People who are mentally weak can't fall asleep. As a matter of fact, I fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. These choking, clogging problems happen about 2 hours after I fall asleep. So don't you think I'm mentally strong that I can fall asleep so fast, realizing that this will most likey happen 2 hours later. I just look at the average person at the coffee shop the next morning, you can tell that they don't have this condition and don't feel like I do. I look at these people and say to myself, that I can tell if some of them had this that they would flip out. When I go to the gym and I see these stuck up woman that think they are so hot that they wouldn't give you the time of day, I can tell if they suffered from this they would flip out and have severe anxiety. Imagine if she tried sleeping at night and someone was choking her or pinching her nose during sleep. It's not fair, not fair at all. Also, I got a comment from someone, I also lost 45 pounds. I was 180 and I'm down to 135, but why is someone still pinching my nose at night. By the way, I'm getting surgery next month. I've had it. I might have to start all over during these tough economic times because I can tell that the big clients are disappointed over my work. This $200,000 practice is going down and it all can be contributed to SLEEP APNEA. I wish I could control it. I've illustrated very logical facts about it. If my practice suffered from gambling, I would stop gambling. If it suffered from drinking, I would stop drinking. If it suffered from too much sex, I would stop having sex. But how can I say ok, I will go to sleep tonight and I will not choke and I will get proper oxygen. Remember, I can fall asleep very very fast, so it's not pyscholgical is it? The problem is when I finally wake up, I feel like I've been through a War.

[Wulfman]

You made a very intelligent evaluation about all of this. Yes, it's beyond my control. Please read carefully. Each and every person that replied indicated that this is a psycological problem not physical. Just like my family and friends, doctors, etc. They said that it's a psychological problem. How is that, if I'm choking in my sleep and my nose is clogged, how can that be pshcological. To summarize this. If I was a gambler, I psychologically could control it by not placing the next bet. If I was an alcholic, I could psychologically stop myself from not taking the next drink. If I was a sexoholic, I could psychologically stop having sex. However, with this condition, someone somewhere is attacking my in my sleep. How can I psychologically stop that? If I wake up choking or my nose is completely clogged, how can I psychologically stop this from happening in my sleep. As a matter of fact, I think I should get more credit. People who are mentally weak can't fall asleep. As a matter of fact, I fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. These choking, clogging problems happen about 2 hours after I fall asleep. So don't you think I'm mentally strong that I can fall asleep so fast, realizing that this will most likey happen 2 hours later. I just look at the average person at the coffee shop the next morning, you can tell that they don't have this condition and don't feel like I do. I look at these people and say to myself, that I can tell if some of them had this that they would flip out. When I go to the gym and I see these stuck up woman that think they are so hot that they wouldn't give you the time of day, I can tell if they suffered from this they would flip out and have severe anxiety. Imagine if she tried sleeping at night and someone was choking her or pinching her nose during sleep. It's not fair, not fair at all. Also, I got a comment from someone, I also lost 45 pounds. I was 180 and I'm down to 135, but why is someone still pinching my nose at night. By the way, I'm getting surgery next month. I've had it. I might have to start all over during these tough economic times because I can tell that the big clients are disappointed over my work. This $200,000 practice is going down and it all can be contributed to SLEEP APNEA. I wish I could control it. I've illustrated very logical facts about it. If my practice suffered from gambling, I would stop gambling. If it suffered from drinking, I would stop drinking. If it suffered from too much sex, I would stop having sex. But how can I say ok, I will go to sleep tonight and I will not choke and I will get proper oxygen. Remember, I can fall asleep very very fast, so it's not pyscholgical is it? The problem is when I finally wake up, I feel like I've been through a War.

In the first place, your machine (IF properly configured) will prevent you from choking in your sleep. If your nose is congested, nasal rinses and cool/cold pass-over humidity in your machine will help keep your nasal passages open.
If you're using a nasal mask, the odds are extremely high that your mouth is opening during your sleep and the combination of the above problems manifest themselves in failure of your therapy.

YOU keep trying to blame "Sleep Apnea".......YOU need to get educated and take control of YOUR therapy!!!!!!!

Den

[Outlawswife47]

If you notice, I am not one of those that implied or said I thought your problems were psychological. I KNOW what it's like to not be able to breath.....or I wouldn't have been on nasal sprays for 30 plus years. I'm praying the surgery helps you. I was thinking before reading this, I wonder if your evaluation by the doctor was correct????????? Could they be wrong????? I spent many years being "sick".....doc's accused me of being hypochondriac (can't spell that either)......I was to the point of being on disability and realizing they probably wouldn't let me have it....but I just couldn't work. They diagnosed me with everything from fibromyalgia, to MS, to thyroid problems to finally chronic fatigue. Thankfully, DH saw a 60 minutes program that pointed out the problems with MSG (monosodium glutomate).....between that and aspertame........I am now a healthy (except for apnea) functional human being. And to all those doctors that misdiagnosed me............ Keep hanging in there and keep pushing for the right diagnosis or the right treatment...whatever it may be.

[Hawthorne]

I went back a bit on the threads and could not find your previous ones(s).

Would you remind me please?
What machine are you using? What pressure(s) is it set at? What mask are you using?

Thanks.

[Bluebonnet_Gal]

You made a very intelligent evaluation about all of this. Yes, it's beyond my control. Please read carefully. Each and every person that replied indicated that this is a psycological problem not physical. Just like my family and friends, doctors, etc. They said that it's a psychological problem. How is that, if I'm choking in my sleep and my nose is clogged, how can that be pshcological. To summarize this. If I was a gambler, I psychologically could control it by not placing the next bet. If I was an alcholic, I could psychologically stop myself from not taking the next drink. If I was a sexoholic, I could psychologically stop having sex. However, with this condition, someone somewhere is attacking my in my sleep. How can I psychologically stop that? If I wake up choking or my nose is completely clogged, how can I psychologically stop this from happening in my sleep. As a matter of fact, I think I should get more credit. People who are mentally weak can't fall asleep. As a matter of fact, I fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow. These choking, clogging problems happen about 2 hours after I fall asleep. So don't you think I'm mentally strong that I can fall asleep so fast, realizing that this will most likey happen 2 hours later. I just look at the average person at the coffee shop the next morning, you can tell that they don't have this condition and don't feel like I do. I look at these people and say to myself, that I can tell if some of them had this that they would flip out. When I go to the gym and I see these stuck up woman that think they are so hot that they wouldn't give you the time of day, I can tell if they suffered from this they would flip out and have severe anxiety. Imagine if she tried sleeping at night and someone was choking her or pinching her nose during sleep. It's not fair, not fair at all. Also, I got a comment from someone, I also lost 45 pounds. I was 180 and I'm down to 135, but why is someone still pinching my nose at night. By the way, I'm getting surgery next month. I've had it. I might have to start all over during these tough economic times because I can tell that the big clients are disappointed over my work. This $200,000 practice is going down and it all can be contributed to SLEEP APNEA. I wish I could control it. I've illustrated very logical facts about it. If my practice suffered from gambling, I would stop gambling. If it suffered from drinking, I would stop drinking. If it suffered from too much sex, I would stop having sex. But how can I say ok, I will go to sleep tonight and I will not choke and I will get proper oxygen. Remember, I can fall asleep very very fast, so it's not pyscholgical is it? The problem is when I finally wake up, I feel like I've been through a War.

You're right - it's not fair. But, life isn't fair. The average person in the coffee shop and the stuck up woman at the gym may not have OSA. But you don't know their situation and what battles they may be fighting every day of their lives.

I hope the surgery helps you. In the meantime (and perhaps after), you have to make a decision to give in to the OSA and stop treatment, or realize it makes you feel better, keep using it and keep looking for a way to solve the neck pain. If you decide to give in to OSA, don't look for sympathy here. The people here are fighting the battle every day. Many have other ailments to deal with as well, but they're not complaining, they're looking for solutions, they're sharing successes with others, they're learning, they're educating, and they get up every morning and face what life has to offer, whether it's fair or not!

[jnk]

giantred,

No one is implying you are psychologically weak when they point out the psychological aspects of our shared disease. Not getting air while you sleep makes anybody feel discouraged. The answer is to get air while you sleep.

It is easy to get caught in a loop mentally with contradictory thoughts like 'I'm too thristy to drink/I'm too hungry to eat/I'm too tired to sleep/etc. And the loop you are in is 'I am too air-deprived to make sure I'm getting enough air' and 'I am too "good-sleep deprived" to make sure I'm getting good sleep.'

There is an old joke where the guy with a leaky roof complains that he can never fix it, since he can't work in the rain, and when it isn't raining, the roof isn't leaking. The obvious answer is to do things to fix the problem during the time you can do something, instead of surrendering to the feelings of helplessness, because in this case the leaky roof will eventually drown you if you don't do something about it now, while you are awake.

You could end up rejecting a lot of good practical suggestions if you reject everything you can label "comments on my phsychological state." Many here, if not most, have experienced the kind of discouragement you are expressing. But many of us, too, know the joy of working our way out of that mental fog once we cooperated with others to the point of being helped to make our therapy work for us. The feeling you are expressing may be helped with effective PAP therapy. But if that doesn't get you all the way there, other medical approaches can.

No one here is interested in blaming the victim. But a few of us required a slight kick in the rear to motivate us to do the practical things necessary to keep our businesses and relationships instead of throwing up our hands and walking away.

You can do this. Post your equipment. Post your results. Take some suggestions. And you will be punching back at what is punching and strangling you at night.