Unsupportive spouse,

[GatorMan]

My trip to CPAP land began when I went to an ENT doctor for a deviated septum. My wife seldom slept in the same room with me due to my snoring. After horrible experiences at the sleep study center, (unaccredited by the way, found this out afterward), and with the DME, I finally got my machine. After four nights of trying to get accustomed to the treatment, my wife stated that if I continue to use “That Machine,” she will not sleep in the same room. She says that the machine makes a strange noise ‘like fingernails on a blackboard.” She will not discuss what the noise sounds like. Thinks this whole thing is a scam, and after dealing with the sleep study center and DME I can not argue with her. Anyway, I have not used “that machine” in five nights and she is back sleeping with me. May be a quality of life issue.

[DreamStalker]

Dude!

You got to take care of yourself before you can care about anyone else. What good is your love for your wife if you aren't healthy enough to provide it?

Give her what ever space she need to adjust and focus on getting your treatment. The treatment is not about snoring, it is about cardiovascular disease ... heart attcks, strokes, hypertension, and all of the other co morbidities associated with OSA.

On the other hand, maybe she dosen't care about you .... if that is the case, face up to it and move on.

[LDuyer]

Hmmm, that's awful. The least she could do is be specific about what sound is bothering you. And I do mean the "least" she can do.
It's quite obvious that helping you adjust things so that your cpap can be more accomodating to your wife is not what she has in mind. Otherwise, she would have been specific and encourage you to find a quieter setup or find the source of the sound that's annoying her. I don't know what your sleep study facts were (how severe, AHI, etc.), but explain them to her. But I have a hunch she simply doesn't want to listen. You'd think she'd be happy with you not snoring. No offense, but your description just makes me want to smack her.


Linda

[jnk]

My wife loves that I have the machine. It HELPS her sleep, according to her. She likes hearing the soothing sound of the machine: "Much better than that blasted snoring I've been listening to the last few decades!"

She says that if she wakes up in the night, she doesn't have to wonder if I'm breathing OK, since she can listen for a few seconds and hear that I'm breathing from the sound of me breathing out through the mask. She likes that.

Some people pay specifically for white-noise generators to help them sleep.

I don't mean to be morbid, but I'm sure your wife would prefer your being alive to having a quiet bedroom. Penny wise and pound foolish is no recipe for dealing with a life-and-death matter like breathing while asleep.

[bdp522]

I'm a think you can get used to the machine sounds and sleep right through them. BUT...you have to be willing to adjust. If she chooses to listen for the noises, she'll keep hearing them and they will continue to bother her. Maybe she will try white noise or ear plugs, but don't bet on it. She sounds like a selfish spoiled brat. I wonder how she would feel if SHE was the one on cpap?

Brenda

[echo]

I think you need to address the "scam" aspect.. You mentioned it in earlier posts as well. Sounds like she is not taking the diagnosis very seriously , therefore all the unpleasantries associated with the adjusting to CPAP are not taken in the right context either. Sounds like maybe you had leak issues with your mask or something similar... but she won't tolerate because she doesn't think you need to be using the machine. THAT is what you need to address first, IMHO.

Maybe going to an AWAKE meeting in your area would help? .. so that she can meet others with this problem, and so she can start treating OSA like the serious disease it is!

I don't think she is necessarily sounding like a spoiled or selfish person. She is just not in the right mind set and is probably very stubborn. You have to convince her of the necessity of the machine and the seriouness of the disease!!

Good luck!!

[sharon1965]

your post made me so sad
i'm sorry that you have no support from your wife around cpap; maybe she could do some reading on these boards and find what it takes to be a loving, invested, supportive partner
but i'm sorrier still that you will choose to take your chances with your life and health to appease her--seriously, i'm amazed that anyone would give in to that kind of emotional manipulation...
ask her if she'd rather push you around in a wheelchair after you stroke out...that would be a real quality of life issue

[GatorMan]

I don’t want to make her sound like she is selfish, or a spoiled brat. She has been a very good wife and mother for the past 24 years. She is also a bright woman and has researched this condition. She is having a problem accepting this treatment. I don’t know what to do. I have changed doctors in hope of finding someone who can give me advice on how to adjust my equipment and treatment to make it easier for both of us.

Echo, I think you are right. Please tell me more about AWAKE.

[bdp522]

She is having a problem accepting this treatment.

Is she going with you to the doctor to hear what the doctor has to say? Is she trying to come up with acceptable solutions to the problem? If she is having a problem accepting this, SHE needs to be part of the solution.

Brenda

[GatorMan]

Just Googled A.W.A.K.E., Good site with spouse support.

[echo]

Hey gatorman,
To be honest I've never gone to an AWAKE meeting but you can find a meeting in your area at :
Info: http://www.sleepapnea.org/awake/aboutgroups.html
Find a group: http://www.sleepapnea.org/awake/index.html

I think a few others on this forum have gone. It may or not be worth your while, but I think the point is to connect with other people with OSA.

You can always start a new thread to ask if anyone in your area, on this forum, is going to an AWAKE meeting near you... at least then you would already "know" someone there

She is also a bright woman and has researched this condition. She is having a problem accepting this treatment.

That's interesting... so she *has* researched it, probably knows how serious it is, but is having trouble with the treatment. Why exactly? Is it really that the noise is bothering her so much? Is she a really light sleeper? The only way to get through to her is to figure out what exactly is the root cause of her problem. It may take some time... And it's probably a combination of factors.

I understand that many are impatient with people like this - we think it's not a big deal, and I agree, CPAP is no big deal, but for SOME reason this lady has a HUGE problem with it, and we don't know why. Unless she REALLY IS a very selfish and horrible reason, there is probably some other DEEPER issue that none of us know about. And if you want her to help you, GatorMan, YOU will have to go the extra mile to figure out what that is.... which is why you're posting here, of course!

[Wulfman]

This topic has come up a number of times in various ways. Once, by one of the spouses/SO who was having a real hard time.....and she received a "hard time" by the members of the forum who responded. I think she was pretty selfish, self-centered, etc. It got U G L Y.
I think part of the problem, in her mind, is the image that you are on "life support". I think quite a few of us have had to deal with this scenario in different ways. You need to take care of your own health FIRST......and maybe in time she'll come around. If you keep giving in to her and stop wearing it, you'll only hurt yourself.

Good luck.

Den

[echo]

Ditto to what Wulfman and everyone else said.

You need to keep wearing the CPAP, every time you sleep. Do not back down on this. It is for your own health!!!!!

[Babette]

What if you had your legs blown off in a war, and had to wear uncomfortable bandages. Would she refuse to sleep with you? Would you find that acceptable? Or would you tear off your bandages and bleed to death so you could snuggle with her?

This is ridiculous. Get some sleep and begin to think clearly and figure out that it's HER ISSUES that are the problem here.

Good luck!
Babs

[RafterRattler]

Wow. Like many others, this made me really sad to read. Unfortunately, I have several friends and some relatives with apnea that struggle with their spouses in the same way. They complain about the snoring, without doing any research they issue ultimatums (like get the surgery or I'm leaving), or they complain about the machine. I can't help but wonder what makes people think that it's ok to behave this way - ie: that their comfort is more important than their spouse's health. You say she is a good wife and mother, but behavior like this is NOT behavior that supports your argument. What happened to the vows? Don't they mean ANYTHING?

I guess I lucked out. My wife struggled for a while with my machine - mainly because my rafter rattling used to put her to sleep (I know, she's a godsend). She was there with me every step of the way, and very supportive. My health was more important to her than HER slight discomfort. Now the machine puts her to sleep....although she's having trouble again now because my new one is much quieter.

I'm sorry, but you need to encourage her to do some homework and support you, or hit the road. This isn't just a bad habit that you can quit with some hard work and support - like smoking or gambling. It's not a lifestyle choice either - it's a real medical condition.

Mike