Is it as bad as it seems?

[DankShroud]

I apologize in advance to the frequent users who have responded to my barrage of anxious questions, I hope you'll bear with me for one more post. I'm 18 years old and soon to be graduating high school, and sleep apnea has ruined my life. I want to know if there is any hope for me to ever function at the level that I had pre-apnea. I'm a mild case (AHI 7.5) and have been symptomatic for the last two and a half years. Before I got sick I was outgoing, curious, ambitious and wildly creative. I could do things with words that few adults can, I sketched constantly, had a rich thought life, and was an avid reader. Things started going wrong at the end of my sophomore year. I became moody and withdrawn and gradually dropped out of my social life and responsibilities. After some time I realized that I had lost my sense of humor and couldn't speak as fluently as I once had. I stopped leaving the house, maintaining personal hygiene and abandoned my routine of exercising and studying. My grades faltered the next year, As turned into Bs, and then plummeted (this year my counselor had the school make special accommodations for me). I couldn't maintain coherent thought or think through math/logic problems. I noticed that I was the only one in my classes who couldn't recall anything about the subject matter (chemistry nomenclature, Spanish conjugations, literary devices etc.). My head was in such a constant fog that it was an accomplishment to even remember having been assigned homework, much less complete it. For the first time in my life, people terrified me. I stuttered and confused words and couldn't carry on basic conversations for fear as coming off as cold, stupid, bored or strange. That was years ago and now, as an 18 year old I struggle to spell "easy" words (sheet, page, conquer, summary, duel etc.). I have lost entire months-long episodes of my life. I remember precious little of the last year or so and have had girlfriends for months on end whose names give me pause. Victims of traumatic brain injuries often must confront "ambiguous loss" and mourn the passing away of their old selves, laying to rest their old abilities and personalities and welcoming the "new" them. That is what I can only compare my experiences to. I'm scared that I've missed my chance at being a psychologically complex, moral, capable and emotionally mature adult. I feel that my brain has missed a critical developmental window and that I'll always be a sad, tired 16 year old masquerading as an adult. College seems insurmountable. If I had lost pure IQ points I could cope and move on, but this apnea is tearing at the fabric of who I am, and who I can become - slowly breaking me down into a defective man-child. I'm unwilling to accept my life as it is because it feels like a surrender. I don't want to grow to be a hokey, bumbling well-meaning old man who has given in to impairment and sickness. I'm on the cusp of adulthood and feel more like a weird kid than a young man. I've been on CPAP for four months (Resmed Airsense 10 with Autoset, pressure 20cm-20cm, nightly AHI of approx. 1.5, leak rate of 7L/m, nasal mask with chin strap) and have felt no relief. I could be depressed, but my classic sleep apnea symptoms suggest otherwise. Looking over this post, I definitely see the depression, but that doesn't sit right. I'm still eager to learn and experience things and improve myself and make a difference, I'm just exhausted and foggy. So, have I missed that developmental window, can I still become the person I could have been? Am I acting like an insufferable, self-obsessed teenager? I don't want my old self back, I just want to be the best version of myself possible. Has sleep apnea cancelled my potential? I know its unwise to lean on internet strangers for emotional support, but I just want someone to tell me that I'll be ok. I asked a similar question in my first post here, but I had to pose it again somewhere, to someone. All this uncertainty is too hot to handle.

[prodigyplace]

I think you have more things happening than just sleep apnea. I too am working through depression issues unrelated to CPAP or sleep apnea. Some depression & memory issues can be caused by medical problems.

You should see a psychiatrist who can test for medical issues and help you through. I have just started down this road and already see some improvement. In my case, blood tests said I was very low on Vitamin D. Since I have started taking daily supplements I have noticed fewer memory issues.

I do not think you are "broken for life". Please give my advice some serious thought. Loving family & friends can assist you through this journey.

[USMCVet]

The biggest thing is to never give up. You have your goal which is to feel better and like you used to.

Look into project management. Basically make a big circle and in the middle put that you want to feel like you used to. From there make spokes to the outer edge. 1: could be optimize treatment 2: could be learn as much about sleep apnea as possible. 3: rule out other conditions and so on and so forth.

Post data from sleepyhead if you can. More minimum pressure could be the answer. Have you asked Dr. About provigil or nuvigil? Have you ruled out actual depression or other medical conditions yet? Vitamin D? Vitamin B12? If it's brain damage for example from sleep apnea then optimal treatment could fix it within a year.

Again biggest thing is keep a positive attitude and become informed. I'm 33 and always learning anything and everything I can about everything. Don't think your life is over or that your best time to learn has been ruined.

[SunnyBeBe]

I can only speak for myself, but, after I changed my eating to a more healthy plan, lost weight and got my blood sugars in good control (I'm Type I diabetic), and was on CPAP treatment for about 12 months, I felt SO MUCH better. My memory, focus and energy level returned and I was able to do things that I had not thought were possible. I actually took a crash course in real estate and passed the state and national Broker's exam and got my license. So things really turned around for me. But, it could have been coincidental.

If you're worried about things, discuss it with your doctor and maybe they can make some suggestions. I believe in research and asking lots of questions.

[Julie]

Any idea how many of us (self not included) were diagnosed with depression for years prior to testing? You may well have other things going on but until you also have stabilized Cpap working for a while (few weeks at bare min. I'd say) you won't know for sure. Be aware of course that at your age, you won't necessarily revert to who you remember being prior to symptoms... too many changes going on naturally, but you also sound like a really bright and together person who, if you can hang in just a while longer, may hopefully find a great new/old self at the end of it all (or the beginning of a new life I suppose). Do bug your MDs all you need to - look for other incidental things which might just be aggravations now - that you otherwise might not bother about - but that if addressed (along with OSA) could help you cope if nothing else.

Please let us know how you're doing and bug us as well for answers. I think you're doing great so far attitude-wise all things considered!

[Goofproof]

It's only as bad as you want to make it. Jim

[Lucyhere]

I could do things with words that few adults can,

First of all, you are more articulate than people 3 times your age.

Things started going wrong at the end of my sophomore year.

I haven't read all of your posts. Were you already diagnosed with sleep apnea at this point? Did you have a sleep study? Who suggested that you needed to have a sleep study?

Am I acting like an insufferable, self-obsessed teenager?

No, I don't think so! However, since you are reaching out to people on the internet, I'm going to ask a few questions. Again, if they have already been covered, I haven't read all of your posts.

Are your parents aware of how you are feeling? If not, why not?

As others have said, not everything can be attributed to sleep apnea. On that note, do you have Sleepyhead so that people here can help you interpret the data. Many know more than doctors trained in this field.

I'm only going to ask one more question... because you may not want to continue with our chat, and that's fine too. Are you seeing a trained mental health professional? If not, why not? Teenage years are hard, really hard. Sometimes we need a little help getting through them. I wish only good things for you. You are bright beyond your years. I hope you'll let us know how you are getting on.

[TedVPAP]

I could do things with words that few adults can,

First of all, you are more articulate than people 3 times your age.

Things started going wrong at the end of my sophomore year.

I haven't read all of your posts. Were you already diagnosed with sleep apnea at this point? Did you have a sleep study? Who suggested that you needed to have a sleep study?

Am I acting like an insufferable, self-obsessed teenager?

No, I don't think so! However, since you are reaching out to people on the internet, I'm going to ask a few questions. Again, if they have already been covered, I haven't read all of your posts.

Are your parents aware of how you are feeling? If not, why not?

As others have said, not everything can be attributed to sleep apnea. On that note, do you have Sleepyhead so that people here can help you interpret the data. Many know more than doctors trained in this field.

I'm only going to ask one more question... because you may not want to continue with our chat, and that's fine too. Are you seeing a trained mental health professional? If not, why not? Teenage years are hard, really hard. Sometimes we need a little help getting through them. I wish only good things for you. You are bright beyond your years. I hope you'll let us know how you are getting on.

You ask excellent questions.
Hopefully people will refrain from posting until serious answers are provided.

[DankShroud]

I could do things with words that few adults can,

First of all, you are more articulate than people 3 times your age.

Things started going wrong at the end of my sophomore year.

I haven't read all of your posts. Were you already diagnosed with sleep apnea at this point? Did you have a sleep study? Who suggested that you needed to have a sleep study?

Am I acting like an insufferable, self-obsessed teenager?

No, I don't think so! However, since you are reaching out to people on the internet, I'm going to ask a few questions. Again, if they have already been covered, I haven't read all of your posts.

Are your parents aware of how you are feeling? If not, why not?

As others have said, not everything can be attributed to sleep apnea. On that note, do you have Sleepyhead so that people here can help you interpret the data. Many know more than doctors trained in this field.

I'm only going to ask one more question... because you may not want to continue with our chat, and that's fine too. Are you seeing a trained mental health professional? If not, why not? Teenage years are hard, really hard. Sometimes we need a little help getting through them. I wish only good things for you. You are bright beyond your years. I hope you'll let us know how you are getting on.

I felt bad for two years before pushing and begging my parents for a sleep study. Before that I had tried unsuccessfully to turn things around in talk therapy. I made a serious effort to treat what I thought was depression/anxiety, but nothing ever made a difference. I had to wait six weeks for a sleep study only to wait four more weeks after it proved too expensive and I had to convince my parents to buy a home study. I finally had a real in-lab polysomnography two months into treatment. My parents are aware of how I feel. My autoset CPAP (APAP?) is set to 14-20cm but stays at 19.9-20cm all night, so I set it to 20-20cm. My AHI is usually around 4, with a 3:1 ratio of central apneas to obstructives. I've been consistently sleeping at this pressure and my central are going away a little bit per night. I wake up feeling like shit every day and am aware of apnea when I have them, I always jerk awake after an intensely vivid dream and fall asleep within 30 seconds. This happens a dozen times per night, and I know I don't have any other sleep disorder.

[Okie bipap]

As high as your pressure is, you would probably do well with a bilevel machine.

[Lucyhere]

I felt bad for two years before pushing and begging my parents for a sleep study. Before that I had tried unsuccessfully to turn things around in talk therapy. I made a serious effort to treat what I thought was depression/anxiety, but nothing ever made a difference. I had to wait six weeks for a sleep study only to wait four more weeks after it proved too expensive and I had to convince my parents to buy a home study. I finally had a real in-lab polysomnography two months into treatment. My parents are aware of how I feel. My autoset CPAP (APAP?) is set to 14-20cm but stays at 19.9-20cm all night, so I set it to 20-20cm. My AHI is usually around 4, with a 3:1 ratio of central apneas to obstructives. I've been consistently sleeping at this pressure and my central are going away a little bit per night. I wake up feeling like shit every day and am aware of apnea when I have them, I always jerk awake after an intensely vivid dream and fall asleep within 30 seconds. This happens a dozen times per night, and I know I don't have any other sleep disorder.

A few more questions then. Have you had recent blood work, more to rule out stuff? Any chance you've seen a Cardiologist, Neurologist, Ent? I'm learning through my granddaughter that allergies (in her case mainly food), play a big part in how we feel every day and if we sleep well at night. Do you know if you snore? Are you checking your data on Sleepyhead? Have people here discussed your data with you? Do you smoke? Are you 'presently' seeing a mental health professional? Am I correct that you are a senior in high school, or have you graduated? What are your plans for after high school... a job, college? What are your parents saying to you about how you are feeling at this time? Do you feel they are supportive?

I'm going out now, but perhaps others can pick it up from here.

[DankShroud]

A few more questions then. Have you had recent blood work, more to rule out stuff? Any chance you've seen a Cardiologist, Neurologist, Ent? I'm learning through my granddaughter that allergies (in her case mainly food), play a big part in how we feel every day and if we sleep well at night. Do you know if you snore? Are you checking your data on Sleepyhead? Have people here discussed your data with you? Do you smoke? Are you 'presently' seeing a mental health professional? Am I correct that you are a senior in high school, or have you graduated? What are your plans for after high school... a job, college? What are your parents saying to you about how you are feeling at this time? Do you feel they are supportive?

I'm going out now, but perhaps others can pick it up from here.

I don't smoke, I have a stable home life, I don't snore and I haven't been able to download sleepyhead (not available for Chrome and my only other available computer can't take SD cards without a reader). I applied and was accepted to my top universities based off my old grades and some pieces of creative writing. I'm about to graduate and am considering taking a gap year to sort out my sleeping problems, I do want to remember my expensive education after all. I'm not currently seeing a mental health professional and had Bloodwork done a year ago that came back clean.

[Goofproof]

A SD usb card reader costs $10 or less, Jim

[Lucyhere]

A SD usb card reader costs $10 or less, Jim

I agree that would be a good place to start. This may simply be a case of your sleep apnea not being optimized. You appear desperate for answers. Getting a card reader and downloading Sleepyhead would be a start. If you have sleep apnea, even mild sleep apnea, and you aren't getting treated properly, what's the point of using the machine?

Secondly, and I'm not in the medical field, you come across as depressed and anxious. This could be because you have sleep apnea and it isn't being treated properly, or it could be that it is being treated properly but you need some emotional support as well. You mentioned that you did see a therapist (MHC) a few years ago. That was then. This is now. Also, finding someone you feel comfortable with is essential. It's like buying a new shirt. Maybe the first two don't fit you correctly, but that third one fits perfectly. It's well worth the effort it would take.

The only way to get some answers is to start somewhere. I realize you are only 18 years old, but it is the beginning of you learning to take care of yourself. It happens to all of us and you begin to be your own health care advocate. A gap year is great; many young people choose to do that. I hope you use it wisely and go on to bigger and better things.

[DankShroud]

A SD usb card reader costs $10 or less, Jim

I agree that would be a good place to start. This may simply be a case of your sleep apnea not being optimized. You appear desperate for answers. Getting a card reader and downloading Sleepyhead would be a start. If you have sleep apnea, even mild sleep apnea, and you aren't getting treated properly, what's the point of using the machine?

Secondly, and I'm not in the medical field, you come across as depressed and anxious. This could be because you have sleep apnea and it isn't being treated properly, or it could be that it is being treated properly but you need some emotional support as well. You mentioned that you did see a therapist (MHC) a few years ago. That was then. This is now. Also, finding someone you feel comfortable with is essential. It's like buying a new shirt. Maybe the first two don't fit you correctly, but that third one fits perfectly. It's well worth the effort it would take.

The only way to get some answers is to start somewhere. I realize you are only 18 years old, but it is the beginning of you learning to take care of yourself. It happens to all of us and you begin to be your own health care advocate. A gap year is great; many young people choose to do that. I hope you use it wisely and go on to bigger and better things.

I have the reader, Sleepyhead is up and running. What exactly from sleepyhead should I share here if I want someone to look over my data and make pressure change suggestions? I'm looking at a lot of data and I'm too tired to decipher it all.